Page 40 of Cloudless
I fought so hard today to stop myself from taking over when Posey was doing something as simple as putting ketchup on her plate. I know she needs to learn to do it on her own, but I was right there to help her.
You should be the one to be there for her, Mom. You and Dad should be here to help them.
I’m so scared, Mom.
I’m scared of the overwhelming truth that I could love Kamden Stryker if given the chance. He would be so easy to love.
I can’t give in to something as simple as a crush. Even if my heart craves his companionship. Even if the potential for something more is monumental.
I have no doubt Kam would take care of me. That’s just who he is. He’s the team captain for a reason. The thought of opening myself up to someone who has the possibility to destroy me is terrifying.
I saw how easily he could destroy me tonight when he walked away. The ease with which he walked away was in such contrast to the desperation I felt for him to stick by my side and face Dax together.
Does that make me a fool?
That’s why Kam will stay in the safety of the friendzone, where his destruction potential is limited to that of my trust and not my heart. That’s the only way to protect myself from the inevitable devastation he would leave in his wake when my life proves to be too much for him.
There’s just some things in life that are certain.
The sun rises in the east.
A triangle has three sides.
Everyone dies eventually.
You can’t turn back time.
The vulnerability that comes with loving someone can be devastating.
Someone as amazing as Kam shouldn’t be with someone as damaged as me.
I miss you, Mom.
Love always,
Lila
CHAPTER 18
I MISSED THE PARTY
KAM
Even when I fumbled the winning goal for a championship title my senior year of high school, the disappointment in myself I felt then is nothing compared to what I feel right now.
Missing a goal is an unfortunate reality of playing the game. Going against my character, however, is unacceptable.
My fingers drum an anxious beat along the table in front of me as I wait for Lila. The minutes crawl by at an agonizing pace as the time draws near for class to start.
Memories of dozens of unsent texts flow through my mind from last night. I’m thankful now I didn’t send them in favor of the nuance of an in-person conversation.
The thought of Lila not being in my life because of one stupid decision sends fear through me like a bolt of lightning.
At first, her beauty drew me to her like a moth to a flame. Now her heart, her kindness, her determination to step up and be what Posey and Jasper needs is like a balm to my very soul.
When I look at Lila, I’m not struck with the overwhelming sense of love. It’s too soon for that, I know. But the sense of familiarity that washes over me every time I look into her eyes holds me captive. The sense that this person is important in ways I can’t yet fathom.
It’s what haunts my dreams at night.
