Page 95 of Cloudless
Lila’s faint voice drifts to me through the chilly autumn air as her grandmother appears in the doorway. I clench my teeth as I realize I can’t hear what they’re saying because of the distance.
My eyes connect with Jasper’s as I click Posey’s seatbelt into place with one hand, while my other remains firmly secured inher clenched hands. I try to pull my hand away, but stall my movements as her fingers tighten around mine.
Thankfully, her old tears drying on her face fail to be replaced by new ones. Jasper’s eyes shine with a determination reserved only for a brother’s love. A different type of determination shines through my voice as I straighten to my full height. “I need you to tell me what happened, Tank. I can’t fix it if I don’t know what happened.”
His eyes flick to the illuminated front porch where his grandmother hands Lila a duffle bag. I grit my teeth at the waver in his voice. “Posey had a nightmare. She got scared when she couldn’t find me. They made us sleep in separate rooms.”
My eyes soften as they fall to the little girl huddled in her seat in front of me, still clutching my hand tightly to her chest like you would a stuffed animal. “Are you alright now, Rosie Posey?” Her bottom lip wobbles as she nods her head. “Good. You’ll be home in your own bed soon.” I lift our joined hands. “I’m going to need my hand back so I can drive us home, but Jasper's going to hold your hand the entire way there. Okay?”
Cool air replaces the warmth of her hand as she releases her grip. Their hands link to dangle over the space between their two seats like a bridge.
I close their door as Lila’s steps sound from behind me. Her lips are set in a tight line as the front door to her grandparents' house closes with a soft click.
I raise my brows at her in a silent question. She drops the duffle bag by our feet with a soft thunk as she walks straight into my arms. A deep breath falls from her lips as the tension leaves her shoulders. The tension might have left her shoulders, but it sure hasn’t left her voice. “I don’t know what I expected to find when we got here, but that wasn’t it.”
I rest my chin on the top of her head as I rub small circles on her lower back. “I know. Jasper said Posey had a nightmare and freaked out when she couldn’t find him.”
Her voice is muffled against my chest. “I thought they had been doing better. They’ve been sleeping in their own beds for a few weeks now.”
I shift her in my arms as I try to fight off the frigid chill with my body heat. “It’s a new place. It makes sense they would have a hard time adjusting.”
She nods against my chest as she tightens her arms around my waist. “I know. I just hate it for them.”
My lips connect with her forehead in a much-needed kiss. If only I could just convince myself the kiss is for her instead of me. “Come on. Let’s get them home.”
As soon as we’re settled in our seats, my hand finds hers in the darkness. The contact and the security of the twins' safety in the backseat calm the relentless pounding of my heart to a calming rhythm in my chest.
Two statements repeat in a constant loop in my mind for the rest of the drive.
They’re here. They’re safe.
The last of the tension I didn’t know I have been carrying melts as I cut the engine in their driveway. My head thunks against my headrest as my neck screams from the constant strain of the past thirty minutes.
A quick look in my rearview mirror shows two peacefully sleeping seven-year-olds with their hands still clenched tightly together.
Lila’s eyes flick to mine before we wordlessly venture out of the solitude of the car and into the darkness of the night.
The cool chill of the autumn breeze lifts Posey’s hair to tickle my nose as I carry her into the house. She feels like a bag of flour in my arms as she lay limply on my shoulder.
Lila’s light footfalls echo behind me as I shift Posey in my arms to open the front door. She still sleeps peacefully on my shoulder despite the floorboards creaking under my feet.
Posey’s curls fan out around her shoulders as I lay her in the middle of Lila’s bed. She wrinkles her nose before turning to her side to burrow further under the blankets.
I straighten slowly to prolong my time here as Lila lays Jasper on the other side of the mattress. A piece of me longs to stand guard at Lila’s door tonight to fight off any lingering snapshots of Posey’s nightmare that dare to threaten her sleep.
The twins reach for each other in the dark. The way they huddle together in the middle of the bed reminds me of what they might have looked like before they entered this world. I know logically they’re fraternal twins, but it's obvious they still find comfort in their proximity. I hope this space resembles the safety they must have felt while they were being carried by their mother.
Tears rim Lila’s eyes as she watches over her brother and sister like a sentry. Her voice wavers as she whispers, “How is it possible for me to take care of something so precious and fragile?”
My fingers weave into the hair at her nape as I pull her into my side. Our eyes never leave the bed as I hold her. “I couldn’t think of anyone more worthy.”
I’m not ashamed of the time I take to gather the will to leave. I’m quickly realizing that no amount of time with them will ever be enough.
Lila’s soft kiss against my lips feels like more than a goodnight. Maybe when I finally lay down in my bed tonight, I’ll have enough brain power to think about what it means. For now though, I just drink her in like she’s the only thing in the world keeping me alive.
It feels like I’m leaving a piece of my heart behind as I close the door behind me and venture into the night.
I only have one thought as I glance in my rearview mirror to back out of her driveway.
