Page 115 of Goal Line
We’re more than halfway around the edge of the rinkbefore she no longer seems scared stiff. We’re all the way around before she relaxes enough that I’m not worried she’ll fall. And we’ve made a full second loop around the edge of the rink before she stops holding her breath.
“You’re really good at this, you know,” Lauren tells me.
“I used to coach kids when I was younger. I’ve just started thinking about getting back into that after I have this baby.”
Lauren drops my hands, and I watch as she uses her toe pick to push off just enough to move up beside me. “I thought you and Christopher were still going to try to qualify for the Olympics?”
“We are,” I say, turning so I can skate facing forward beside her “But this is my last season. I’d already decided that before I got pregnant. So my mind’s been on what to do next.”
“Do you . . .needto do anything next?”
I know what she means. I’m married to a billionaire—and even if he weren’t heir to a vast fortune, he still makes more than enough playing hockey that I wouldn’tneedto work.
“For financial reasons, obviously no. But for my sanity, and to feel useful and remain involved with skating somehow...yeah, it’s probably best that I have something in my life besides being a mother and a wife.”
“I absolutely get that,” Lauren says. “Staying home with the kids is an absolute privilege, but I feel like the part no one talks about is how easy it is to lose yourself in that process. I applaud anyone who chooses to be a stay-at-home mom. But I’m equally thankful that we live in a time where womencancontinue to work after having kids, as well. I lost that part of me once before, forgot who I was and what Iwanted for myself. Forgot that I could exist outside of my children.”
I knew Lauren had been married previously, but I didn’t knowthis.
“And now,” she says, “I love Jameson dearly. I love my children beyond measure. But I am more than just his wife and their mother, and I love that for me.”
“How’d you find yourself?” I ask, noting how steadily she’s gliding along on her skates. She hasn’t strayed far from the wall, but she seems more comfortable on the ice. And as she continues to talk, telling me about how controlling her first husband was, and how she moved with her kids to Boston after his death, it feels like she’s overcoming her fear of the ice at the same time.
“Honestly, I’m not sure it would have happened without Jameson quietly helping me rebuild my life,” she says with a small, private smile. “He kept doing things behind the scenes—I had no idea he was pulling the strings, and he wasn’t looking for credit. He just wanted to make my transition to single motherhood and moving to Boston easier.”
“Do you think you would have ended up where you are now, without him?” I ask, curious whether there are any similarities between their relationship and mine with Luke. I feel both thankful and also a tad guilty about all the ways in which Luke has helped me in the past few months. There’s no doubt I wouldn’t be where I am if he hadn’t done everything he could to make my life better.
“Where I am now iswithhim. There was no pathherewithout Jameson,” Lauren says. “And I’m okay with that. I don’t feel like it makes me less of an independent woman that I have a man who I wouldn’t want to be without. There’sa vast difference between a man who you’redependenton, and a man you candepend on.”
“Oh?” I say, raising my eyebrow as we start another lap around the rink. I wonder if Lauren even realizes how she’s put her hands into the pocket of her Rebels hoodie. She’s so at ease on the ice now that I’m trying to hide any reaction that might remind her that she was terrified just a few minutes ago. So I ask her questions to keep her talking. “How so?
“A man you can depend on will support you emotionally and encourage you professionally. He has your back . . . you can depend on him to be there for you, without being dependent on him. He doesn’t make you feel like you can’t survive without him, just that you’d never want to.”
“Yeah, a man like that is a definite keeper,” I say, thinking that I’m picturing Luke in every way she’s described her husband. Luke’s always made sure I havemorechoices, not fewer, always had my back, and has always shown me just how much he loves and cherishes me.
“Speaking of keepers, where’s Hartmann? I hear that where you go, he goes.”
“He’s in Minnesota for an endorsement appearance,” I tell her. It’s probably evident in my tone that I miss him. Last week, I wasn’t sure if he’d go unless I tagged along. But after a week on the medication, my blood pressure is controlled, and I’m back to practicing with Christopher. Plus, I’m closer to my doctor here in Boston, and Morgan is staying with me, just in case.
“Oh, you should come out with us tomorrow night, then,” Lauren says. “I’m doing a girls’ night with my sister, Paige.”
“I wish I could. There’s a meeting for the international figure skating organization here this week, something to do with planning for the World Championships in Boston next spring. I already agreed to go to a cocktail reception tomorrow night with a few of the organization’s international sponsors. When I said I would go, I didn’t realize that Luke would be out of town. I hate going to shit like that by myself.”
“Could your skating partner go with you?”
“That would have been ideal, but he’s leaving town right after our practice tomorrow. Going home with his new girlfriend to meet her family.” Part of me thinks that this is happening pretty quickly, because Christopher doesnotsettle into relationships easily. The other part of me thinks that what they have must be special if he’s willing to be this serious about her. I’m frustrated that we had to cancel our dinner with them last week because of my blood pressure, so I still haven’t met Jenn. But Luke and I are supposed to have dinner with them next week after they’re back from upstate New York.
“Well, I’ll text you wherever we end up,” Lauren says, as she casually does a crossover to turn with the curve of the rink, “in case you want to come out afterward and meet up with us.”
I thank her, even though I know I won’t feel like going out. I’ve been getting way more tired much earlier in the evenings, and Luke should be back home after I get back from that event.
And, tomorrow is our last on-ice practice, because Lynette’s worried about my stamina and potential for injury. Instead, we’ll move to off-ice practices next week andcontinue that way until my doctor says I need to stop entirely.
I smooth my hand over my baby bump, marveling at how much larger it’s gotten since Luke and I got married. Back then, you couldn’t even tell I was pregnant. Now, you can’t miss the size of my belly. It’s not like I wasn’t prepared for pregnancy to change my body, but I didn’t expect stretch marks on my abdomen as evidence of just how quickly that bump has grown. At least Luke doesn’t seem to mind...he just traces them with his finger and calls them my battle scars.
The morning he left for Minnesota, I woke up to him whispering to Baby Squash through my navel, telling her to be good for me while he was gone. The way that man loves the both of us is something else entirely—it’s a depth and breadth of selflessness that I didn’t know existed.
“Eva,” Lauren says with a laugh. “What the hell are you thinking about?”
