Page 17 of Goal Line
His voice is soft, and his palm moves from my shoulder to cup the side of my face. I lean into him as he asks, “Do you feel okay otherwise?”
“I don’t know. That was...weird?”Scaryis more like it. My heart is still racing as I remember going into a spin I’ve done thousands of times and feeling sick from the motion. Itmakes me doubt my ability to train in this condition and, to be honest, doubt myself as well.
“Maybe you need to see a doctor? Do you evenhavea doctor here?”
“I need to find one. My obstetrician is in LA, but the doctors at the ER in New York told me to follow up with my OB.”
“That was a week ago,” he admonishes. “You haven’t even made an appointment yet?”
I rest my upper body against his chest, letting my cheek fall onto his shoulder. “I will. I just haven’t looked for someone yet. It honestly feels like it’d be easier to go back to LA for a few days and see my doctor there. Or just wait until I go back at the end of the month for a commercial I have to film.”
“How is flying across the country and back easier than just finding a new doctor?” He doesn’t sound skeptical, just confused.
“I don’t know. Lots of things feel overwhelming right now...” The lump forming in my throat and the tears suddenly filling my eyes have me pressing my lips together.Why am I so freaking emotional?
Wrapping his arms around my shoulders and holding me to him, he stays quiet, giving me the space to process my own thoughts and formulate what to say next.
“I think maybe...it’s some combination of not having a routine now that skating season is over, feeling like I have no day-to-day plan or purpose, hating that you’re in Boston instead of Newbury Falls and we’re not getting to spend as much time together as we normally do during the summers, worrying about what life will be like after the baby...” Igulp, unable to continue speaking because the lump is so thick in my throat, I think I might choke.
He smooths his hand along my back, waiting for me to say more. And as it always happens when he does that, my emotions continue pouring out.
“I thought I could handle it on my own, but right now, everything feels so overwhelming. Instead of identifying what I need to do and then doing it, I’m paralyzed by indecision. The way my whole life is about to change feels almost too big to deal with. I don’t know how I’m going to tell my parents. I don’t know what’s going to happen with my skating career. Christopher and I need to find a new coach, and I need to break that news to my parents too. And how the hell did I think I was going to be able to train and compete with a new baby? I’ll need childcare and?—”
Luke moves his hand to my chin, gently guiding my head off his chest so he can look at me. I hate the painful expression he has as he gazes down at me, as though seeing me weak like this actually hurts him.
He uses his thumbs to wipe away the tears streaming down my cheeks. “One thing at a time, Evie. Let’s start with getting you an obstetrician in Boston. Let me take care of that for you so you can get the prenatal care you need, and then we’ll worry about the next steps.”
“Luke.” My body shakes as I laugh out his name and tears continue escaping.What is wrong with me?I don’t cry. “You don’t need to do that.”
“I know, but Iwantto. There’s so little I can do to help you right now. Let me dothis.”
I nod, then bring the sleeve of my sweatshirt up to wipemy face, and his hands fall away from my face. I miss his touch more than I should, but it’s better this way.
“Think you can stand?” he asks.
“I think so.” I move onto my knees, and as Luke’s hands grasp my waist, I put one skate under me and stand. I’m still a tad dizzy, but nothing like before. Still, I’m glad he’s holding on to my hips and keeping me steady, just in case. “Thank god, no one else is here to see me like this.”
“Fuck everyone else, Evie. Remember: their opinions don’t matter.”
But they do. “My parents’ opinions matter...and they are going to be beyond disappointed. I can already hear my mom going on and on about me throwing away my skating career because I was careless.” And, my god, the stupid amounts of money they’ve spent to help make my dreams come true. The coaches, the travel, the nutritionist and private chef...they’ve poured everything into this dream, even when it meant forsaking things they might have wanted, like a bigger house or a family vacation that didn’t include a skating competition. “And my dad will just do that thing he does...” I let out a watery laugh.
“What thing?”
“The thing where he nods vigorously and says, ‘Okay, okay...this is a new challenge, but we’ll find a way through it.’”
Luke bursts out laughing, and the deep rumble resonates through my soul, dredging up memories of happier times that have me smiling now, too.
“Yep, he’d totally say that,” Luke agrees. “Which makes you pretty lucky, all things considered. The circumstancesmay not be ideal, but at least you know your parents will still be there for you.”
“But not like yours.” I take a deep breath, then sigh. “Your dad would be over the moon, and your mom would already be designing the nursery. They wouldn’t be upset about it. They’d be thrilled.”
“So true,” he says with a laugh. “But just because your parents may not react the same way doesn’t mean that they’re not going to be happy to welcome this baby into their lives.Andto help you figure out how to keep training and competing so you can qualify for the Olympics.”
I can feel my lips turn down at the corners as I shake my head.
“What?” By the way his eyebrows draw together as he looks at me, I can tell he sees the sadness seeping across my face.
“I don’t know. Having to go to the hospital last week shook my confidence in my ability to do this. I think...” I start to push off my back skate, planning to continue this conversation as we skate back to the door that will lead us off the rink and into the stands, but my back spasms, and I double over in pain.
