Page 77 of Goal Line
“And how do you feel about that?”
I pause again, mulling over my answer in my head. “I’m pretty used to it.”
“So you know how you just paused and chewed on the inside of your cheek right there before you responded? What was your first thought? The one you had before you said you’re pretty used to it?”
I sit back in the chair with a sigh and glance down at my legs where they’re stretched out beneath the side table I’ve pulled in front of me to hold my laptop. “I don’t know,” I say, shaking my head. “Disappointed, I guess.”
“Does Eva know that you have feelings for her?”
“I . . . I don’t think so.”
“You’ve never told her?”
I shake my head.
“Why not?”
“Because I didn’t want to be that guy—the one who’s pretending to be her friend but secretly waiting around for her to want more.”
She raises an eyebrow.
“I know it might look like that’s actually the type of guy I am. But I assure you, I’ve done a damn fine job of shoving those feelings aside, reminding myself that wasn’t what shewanted from me. But then...I don’t know...things changed when we got married. Now we’re spending all this time together, and she’s pregnant and the hormones are messing with her, and she’s got these needs...” I trail off, already feeling like I’ve said too much. Chloe is a sports psychologist; she’s not here to hear about my sex life.
“So the relationship has turned sexual?”
“Sort of?”
She presses her lips together and nods. It’s like she wants to say something but doesn’t think she should.
“What?” I ask.
“It seems to me that either the relationship is platonic, or it’s not?”
“Okay, so our physical relationship isn’t platonic, but our emotional relationship still is.” When she doesn’t say anything in response, I add, “I know that sounds crazy. It’s like a friends-with-benefits situation, but we’re married.”
“She must really trust you,” Chloe says, and I consider the way Eva is normally so determined to be independent, but she’s allowing herself to rely on me right now—to take care of her financially, to claim the paternity of her baby, to take care of her sexually...
“She does.”
“I find it interesting that you’re hiding your feelings from her, while also acknowledging that she trusts you implicitly.”
“Hmmmm.” The sound rattles around in my throat as my lips twist, and then I take a deep breath and say, “I don’t know how she’d feel about the truth, which is why I haven’t told her. I don’t want to make her uncomfortable.”
“Are you not telling her to spare her feelings, or your own?”
Another hum rattles around in my throat, becausefuck.
Yeah, I wouldn’t want to make Eva uncomfortable, but at the same time, maybe it’s more the fear of revealing my deepest and darkest secrets to her that really has me holding back. The fear of rejection isn’t something I normally struggle with...maybe because no one except Eva has ever rejected me.
“Maybe your wife deserves to know how you feel about her?”
“Maybe.” Just the thought of doing that has my stomach clenching.
“Let’s bring this back to psychology, just so you understand why I’m asking you these questions, even though we met to talk about your on-ice performance. Research shows that suppressing your emotions—like you’ve been doing for a decade now when it comes to the most important person in your life—can take a toll on your mind and body, leading to heightened anxiety like you experienced during Game 7, and leaving you feeling much less in control.”
Could it really be that the weight of constantly hiding my feelings for her finally took its toll on me, making me unable to deal with the stress of my job?
“If that’s the case, and I’ve been hiding my feelings for her for pretty much my whole life, why hadn’t anything like that happened before?”
