Page 60 of Back to You
Chapter 19
The day dawned hot and humid, but we packed our hiking bags full of necessities and took off for the Jefferson National Forest in Fort Blackmore, Virginia.
Grandma Gin’s little black box of ashes was tucked away at the bottom of my bag. I knew Gran—she was probably more than ready to be set free, and from the pictures I’d seen, the Devil’s Bathtub was the perfect final resting place.
The trek would be long and possibly treacherous, crossing so many streams and slippery rock formations. Neither of us were exceptionally fit or skilled at hiking, so it would definitely be an experience to remember.
Using a long branch as a makeshift walking stick, I followed Dane through the forest. Trampled earth and leaf litter guided the way, and we chatted to pass the time.
It didn’t take long before I was sweating and sticky, my breathing labored as we crossed yet another rippling stream. The rocks were slick and more than once, my hiking boots slid over the smooth stones. I was really glad I hadn’t worn my Chucks, even if my feet protested the new shoes.
“Catch up, slowpoke,” Dane called over his shoulder. I hurried after him, swatting at a cluster of little gnats that I practically walked into. Dane just laughed at me. Out here, beneath the canopy of the forest, surrounded by bugs and birds and wildlife, we talked about everything. About life. About the future.
Aboutus.
I stopped to stare at Dane, watching him carefully pick his way across the next stream. He jumped from rock to rock, with his arms stretched out on either side of him for balance, the muscles in his legs flexing. He seemed so damn certain that I was it for him, the man he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Like it was just that simple.
I swallowed, my throat suddenly tight. The thing was, I wanted to believe him. I wanted to close my eyes and jump headfirst into a future with him…but I was afraid.
“You coming?” he called from the other side of the river. Nodding, I hurried across the wet rocks…and nearly face-planted at his feet. His hand snapped out to grab my arm, dragging me back upright. “Whoa! Don’t scare me like that.”
“Sorry,” I muttered, wiping my sweaty forehead with the collar of my t-shirt. It was cooler than I thought it’d be under the shade of the forest, but I was still sweating like a pig.
“Okay. Stop.” Dane grabbed me by the shoulders, holding me out at arm’s length. His chin tilted to the side, his eyes suddenly too intent on me. I bit my lip and looked away, and he made a soft noise. “Something’s wrong.”
“It’s nothing,” I said, not really wanting to get into it on a public trail. We’d come early for some privacy, but we weren’t exactly making tracks. Other hikers could catch up with us at any given time. “Don’t worry about it.”
“See? When you tell me not to worry, that’s when I worry.” His eyes softened. “C’mon, Hols. Tell me what’s wrong. Did I say something?”
“It’s not you.”
“Well it’s obviouslysomething. You look like you’re about to start crying,” he said. “Is it about your mom?” When I shook my head, he added, “Is it about Gran? Because we’re gonna set her free?” Again, I shook my head.
I dragged in a quick breath. “I need to know something.”
Dane frowned. “Okay?”
“I want the truth, even if it’s hard.” My stomach churned. “I have to know, after Violet died… After I left… Did you hate me?” The words climbed up my throat like tiny scarab beetles, perching on the tip of my tongue before taking flight. Once they were spoken, that was it. There was no going back.
Dane’s face crumpled. I was hit with a shockwave of pain, battering my heart with its ferocity. I clenched my teeth together so tightly that I felt the muscles in my jaw tick.
His wounded eyes met mine. “Hollister, that isn’t fair.”
“But it’s true, isn’t it?” I whispered. “I need to know, Dane. If we’re doing this—this,us—I have to know so I can put it behind me, and if you did… I need to know that you don’t hate me anymore. I need to hear you say it.”
I was well-aware that I sounded crazy. In that moment, Ifeltcrazy. It felt as if the world had come to a screeching halt, the only sound in my head the rapidthud-whooshof my heartbeat screaming for release. “Please?”
He scrubbed his hand over his face, covering his mouth. He bowed his head. “I never, ever hated you. Never. Not once.” Tears welled in his eyes before spilling down his flushed cheeks. “I was upset because you left, and you didn’t say even goodbye. I lost my sister and my best friend on the same day. I was alone and hurting, and I was soangry.”
His throat worked as he fought for the right thing to say. He raked his fingers through his hair roughly, tearing at the snags. “I was angry and I was grieving, and all I could think was that you’d run away because of what we’d done the night before. I didn’t hateyou.I hated myself for scaring you off. I thought that maybe if I hadn’t kissed you, maybe you’d still be there.”
I drew up short. “What? How could you think that?”
“Why wouldn’t I?” His laugh was sharp and sad. “I made the first move. I figured you were tipsy enough to go with it, and I don’t know, okay? I was a mess! I wasn’t thinking clearly, and I—shit!” He wheeled away from me as if I’d slapped him across the face.
“Dane, wait!” I cried, but he was already charging off across the forest. Pain tore through me, as fiery as an arrow. I pinched my eyes shut on a whimper, then shook my head. No. I wasn’t leaving it alone, not like this. I ran after him. “Dane!”
I grabbed his arm, drawing him back. He was panting for breath, his cheeks red and splotchy. He wiped the tears from his face and looked down at me. “I’m sorry, but I never hated you.”
