Page 28 of Shifting Fate
“Tristram told me it was getting bad again,” he murmured into my hair. “But I didn’t think it was this bad. What happened, Ari? I haven’t seen you this fucked up in years. Not since Amara.”
I let out a shuddering breath. I didn’t want to think ofher.“I fucked up and I don’t know how to fix it,” I mumbled against his skin. “Everything’s a mess and it’s all my fault.”
“You’re going to have to elaborate, because I am so lost right now.” He went to pull away and the panic clanged its ball and chain.
“Don’t let go,” I pleaded, clinging to him, hating myself for being so weak.
“I’m not going anywhere. Don’t worry. C’mon, sit down with me, okay?” Taking me by the hand, he led me back to the front steps. I eased down beside him, his leg flush against mine and his hand closed around my wrist. “What happened?”
I swallowed around the lump in my throat. “I found my mate.”
He blinked. “And that’s stressing you out…why?”
I closed my eyes. “It’s not a good thing, Espen. I’m not okay. At all. I can’t…” I whispered. “I can’t control it, and I fucked up. God, I fucked up so bad.”
“Is that why you attacked Colby?” he ventured, somehow without sounding judgmental in the least.
I gave a small nod. “He was touching Dallon and I just…snapped. The thought of his hands on my mate… You know how he is.”
Espen smiled, but sighed softly. “He isyou, Arias. He always has been.”
“He’s a monster,” I retorted, my chest knotting.
“Youhave rough edges, yes.”
“He is feral, Espen.”
“The same could be said about me,” he replied, blase. “Iamthe one who killed our nanny, after all. We’re both a little fucked up. Who isn’t? We can blame it on bad genes all we like, but it’s who we are. You can’t live like this. You have to make peace with the wolf in your head.”
“I can’t. Fighting him is so hard. I don’t know if I can do it anymore. I-I can’t stay here, not when I’m so close to losing it.” I dropped my head into my hands and watched the pavement at my feet blur. “I can’t hurt anyone else, especially not Dallon.”
“What doyouwant?” He touched my hand, drawing my gaze back to his. “Truly. In your wicked little heart. If you were ‘normal’, what would you want? Because I hate to say it, but Tristram’s right. You can’t keep denying yourself things because you’re afraid—”
“But Iamafraid!” I barked back. “I’m terrified that I’m going to, I don’t know, wake up covered in blood and have absolutely no fucking recollection of what I did. He is so angry. He never stops growling.”
“Okay,” he said, turning towards me so our knees touched. “What doeshewant?”
A quiver coursed through me, my beast perking his ears.
“Dallon,” I breathed. “I don’t trust him, though.”
“Well, obviously fighting him doesn’t work, dumbass. God, how can you be so damn thick-headed?” My twin grumbled, scowling at me. “Because you’re being an idiot. I love you, but don’t you think that if you pull the stick out from up your rigid ass that maybe,maybeyour wolf will relax too?”
I didn’t answer. My wolf growled.
He took a deep breath. “I don’t know how to explain how it feels to be so wholly accepted and loved by Merrick. He calms me with simply a touch. Just a kiss and I feel like I’m in heaven. You’re lonely. You’ve kept yourself so detached from everything and everyone, it’s no wonder your wolf is upset. He’s lonely. Trust in him, just a little. Trust that he won’t hurt your mate.”
My throat felt like shards of glass when I swallowed. “Pretty sure I’m on Dallon’s shitlist now, so… I don’t even know if he’d talk to me. I fucked up.” I gave a soft laugh, wilting.
“Means you’re going to have to work for it.” Espen clapped me on the shoulder with a lopsided smile. “And, if you do go haywire and end up slaughtering half the pack, hey, at least you’ve got me to clean up your messes?”
I growled. “Not funny.”
“Trust me, brother-mine, and work on unclenching those asscheeks. You never know, you might actually like bottoming.” He threw his head back on a gleeful laugh. I smacked his shoulder, unable to keep from smiling.
As much as I didn’t exactly love the idea of giving into my inner-beast, Espen had never steered me wrong before. I needed to have a little faith that maybe, he was right this time too.
