Page 53 of The Spitfire Girls
Ben leaned in again, hovering as if waiting for her to push him away, before his lips touched hers, firmer now as he kissed her. His lips were warm, his face freshly razored and so, so soft as she reached her hand up and touched her fingers to his cheek.
‘I can’t do this, Ben,’ she whispered, pressing her forehead to his as she tried to catch her breath. ‘I can’t lose anyone else.’
‘You’re not going to lose me, May.’
‘You don’t know that.’
He wrapped an arm around her and she tucked into him despite her protestations, holding him, breathing in the scent of him and wishing she could stay in his arms forever. How had her feelings for Ben snuck up on her like that? How had she not realised what had slowly been developing between them? And why was she giving in and letting him hold her instead of running away?
‘Tell me about him. Your brother,’ Ben said, his mouth moving against her hair as he spoke.
She squeezed her eyes shut tight and slowly let the words escape her lips. ‘Johnny was a pilot,’ she told him. ‘I loved him so much. He was my best friend as well as my brother, and then he left to fly for the air force.’
She cried then, the tears raining down her cheeks as she buried her face in Ben’s chest, sobbing as she finally let herself remember Johnny. She could see his smile, the glint in his eye when he thought he was going to beat her at something, the stupid way he’d danced with her around the kitchen when he’d told her she needed lessons if she ever wanted to meet a husband. And she saw him in her dreams, distracted, not concentrating because he was thinking about the way he’d left things between them, the things she’d said. She turned to Ben and, in a few stuttering words, described what had happened on that awful day when he left home.
‘I’ve always wondered if I’m somehow responsible, if I upset him so much that he wasn’t concentrating,’ she whispered. ‘Maybe I put him off somehow?’
Ben shook his head and held her closer. ‘Those are dark thoughts, May. You can’t blame yourself, because no matter what happened between the two of you, his death does not rest on your shoulders.’
She nodded as tears started to fall again. The truth was, her fear that she’d been responsible for Johnny’s death was worse than the constant, gnawing realisation that their country was only ever a battle away from being overrun by Germans.
Ben held her, his palm warm on her back as he rubbed in big circles, just like her mother had done when she was a child.
‘I’m sorry,’ she gasped, sitting up and pushing away from him, embarrassed. ‘I shouldn’t have let go like that.’
‘You’ve been needing to do that for a long time, May,’ Ben said, stroking her hair from her face and pushing it back. ‘You should know you don’t have to hide from me. And I’m not going anywhere.’
She blinked away the last of her tears and brushed under her eyes with her fingertips, knowing what a mess she must look. ‘Thank you,’ she whispered.
Ben laughed and looked down, gesturing at his overalls. ‘I didn’t even get an hour with these bloody things clean!’
May laughed at the make-up smudges all over his front, then stood, holding on to him to draw one last burst of strength.
‘I need to go and get cleaned up,’ she said.
‘Even tear-stained, you’re beautiful,’ he said. ‘And there’s nothing wrong with having a good cry over your brother.’
‘I don’t want anyone to see my weakness,’ she admitted. ‘I’m their leader. I’ve held myself together for so long, and they can’t see me fall to pieces, can they? I just live in fear every single day of losing one of them. I want this war over with, so we can stop losing good people for nothing.’
‘It’s normal to be scared. And you can always confide in me,’ Ben said, stepping in and cupping her face in his hands, pressing one more warm, slow kiss to her lips. ‘You don’t need to be brave for me, May Jones.’
May smiled up at him. She should have been terrified of the way she was feeling, of how vulnerable she’d been opening up to him like that; but for the first time since she’d started with the ATA, she actually felt like herself. And instead of being afraid, she liked it.
An hour later, May stood with her other pilots waiting for their guest. And trying not to think about what had happened between her and Benjamin.
Darn you, she cursed as she looked up.Can’t you at least give us a cloudless day once in a while?The cloud cover was her biggest enemy, but she’d hoped they could at least tour White Waltham with Mrs Roosevelt without the heavens opening and pelting them with rain. The chance of that was no longer looking likely.
‘She’s coming,’ Lizzie said, standing beside her. ‘The cars are on their way.’
May smiled through her nerves. ‘How are you doing?’ she asked, knowing how badly Lizzie had taken the news about her father. ‘Have you heard anything else?’
Lizzie bit her lip. ‘He’s stable, and they’re hoping to have him home by the end of the week.’
May wondered how she could have slowly become almost fond of someone so difficult. She was certain Lizzie had caused her at least a handful of grey hairs over the months they’d spent together.
‘If he’s half as strong as you, he’ll be fine,’ May said. ‘I’m so pleased you’re here for the visit.’ She realised now how much she was going to miss Lizzie when she was gone.
‘Me too. I’m pleased I’m still here,’ Lizzie said. Was her accent no longer as pronounced, May wondered, or was it just that she’d got used to it? ‘You want to know something ridiculous?’
