Page 51 of The Berlin Sisters
Suddenly it all made sense, suddenly she realised what a fool she’d been to imagine a life with Noah. She couldn’t even blame him for using her to get what he wanted, because she’d been a willing participant – and he was right, he’d never made her any promises.
‘Don’t look at me like that, Ava,’ Noah said, running his finger down her bare arm. ‘I’ve never hidden who I was to you. I thought you understood, that you knew what this was. It doesn’t mean that I don’t care for you, because I do.’
She glanced away for a moment, not wanting him to see her tears. ‘I thought there was something more between us, I thought—’ Ava stopped speaking when she saw the look on his face. She did not want to be the object of his pity. In fact, she refused to be.
‘This has been fun,veryfun in fact. But you didn’t expect me to—’
‘Of course not. I’m still engaged to Heinrich, I always knew this wasn’t anything serious.’ She was lying of course; in her mind she barely acknowledged the fact that she was still engaged to be married, and she’d thought Noah had fallen for her, as she had him. She’d dreamed of spending the rest of her life with Noah once all this was over, had imagined spending every night in his arms instead of only for stolen moments.
Hanna had tried to warn her, and so had David, but she’d refused to listen to them, believing that they simply didn’t understand. It appeared that she was the one who hadn’t understood. Noah had needed her, and now he didn’t. It was as simple as that, no matter how he tried to sugar-coat it.
Ava stood, taking the sheet with her and keeping it wrapped around her body, no longer wanting him to see her naked. Her skin was crawling, making her wish she’d never given her body to him, never fallen for the sweet words that had fallen so casually from his lips.
‘Come back to bed,’ he said, reaching an arm out to her.
‘Can I ask you one thing?’ she said, turning back to look at him.
Noah placed a cigarette between his lips and lifted a match to light it. He propped himself up on the pillow as he blew smoke into the air.
‘If I hadn’t been able to access information for you, if I hadn’t—’
‘Ava, don’t. Don’t ruin what we had by saying things like that. I don’t want this to be the last time we see each other, I was only trying to explain—’
She shifted uncomfortably, unsure what to think, or how to feel.
‘Ava, come here,’ he said, patting the bed beside him.
When she didn’t move, he smiled, his face softening.
‘Please.’
She hesitated for a moment, clutching the sheet tight to her chest as she slowly walked forward and sat, careful not to touch him. But when he reached up to stroke her hair, and then trailed his fingers down her face, she found it impossible to pull away.
‘Tell me, do you believe in the cause? In what we’re doing?’
Ava nodded.
‘And you want our country to change? You want this war to end? To rid Germany of evil?’
‘Of course.’
‘I didn’t deceive you into doing anything, Ava. I always told you the risks. I approached you because you were already part of this world, and I thought that I could encourage you to do more.’ Noah grinned. ‘I’ve loved every moment I’ve spent with you, but I’m trying to be honest about who I am. Don’t let that taint what we shared, just because we both see different things in our future.’
It didn’t necessarily make her feel any better, but he was right. She had been a willing participant, and if she’d only done it all to please him, then she was the fool, not Noah. He hadn’t made her any promises; she’d simply fantasised about the life they could have together, believing that he would want the same as her. She could see now that she’d simply been naive.
‘I will never forget the part you played in this, what you risked to help us.’ His smile was kind. ‘You may well be the bravest woman I’ll ever meet.’
She wished she didn’t feel so heartbroken, but she couldn’t help it. He was right, she had done this because she believed in putting an end to fascism, but it didn’t stop her from wishing that Noah felt for her the same way she felt for him.
When he leaned forward and pressed his lips to hers, she didn’t pull away, savouring the taste of his mouth as it lingered over hers, knowing it would be the last time.
When Ava arrived home, she let herself quietly into the apartment and started to walk directly to her bedroom. But she hadn’t expected someone to call out to her from the dark.
‘Ava?’
She stopped and squinted, making out Hanna sitting in one of the armchairs.
‘What are you still doing up?’ she asked, pleased it was dark so that her sister couldn’t see her tear-streaked face.
