Page 14 of The Pianist's Wife
‘But if it saved my life . . .’
‘If you had the sterilisation, then they would know for sure what you are. You would be giving in, not to mention the repercussions for your father. And what if the rules change and suddenlythey come looking for you, to send you to the camps anyway? What if you were killed despite doing everything they asked of you?’ Gisele’s eyes swam with tears. ‘Hans has told me that the ultimate victory for our Führer is to exterminate all trace of the Jews, so it’s as if they never existed, so we must do everything we can to keep who you are hidden. You must never admit those papers were forged, no matter what you’re threatened with.’
They both sat in a silence that was deafening, knowing that one day, the choice might be taken from Amira. And it was made even harder by the sight of the beautiful, sleeping child in Gisele’s arms.
‘Your father will keep you safe,’ Gisele said. ‘Trust him, Amira. Just please, trust in him. It will never come to that.’
It’s not him that I don’t trust; it’s everyone else.
Later that evening, with the children to bed and the four of them sitting around the table, it was easy to pretend that life was as it should be. Amira knew they were only safe because they were protected within the four walls of Gisele’s home, but she was prepared to forget in order to enjoy the night. For it was evenings like these that gave her something to smile about, another memory that she could stitch into the patchwork of happiness in her mind, to draw on when she needed it. In truth, she should have felt protected wherever she was, and there was no reason for anyone to suspect anything, but somehow she still went through life half expecting to have to run at any moment. She worried that she would become too relaxed around Maxi and let something slip, forgetting in the moment that she had to lie to him just as she had to lie to everyone else. But at least with Maxi she could talk about her desire to teach and have children of her own. With him, she at least felt free to dream.
Maxi smiled at her, slipping his arm around her waist at the dinner table. They were seated side by side, and she dropped her head to his shoulder, barely able to imagine that he was leaving, and certainly not accepting that she might not see him again. He’d come to mean everything to her, and despite his being a Wehrmacht soldier and not knowing the truth about her, she loved him. What had started out as the most pleasant distraction had turned into something much deeper, and she knew that they could be happy together if the war ended. He as a journalist and she a teacher, perhaps even moving closer to his family, who lived just outside of Potsdam. He talked about his mother and sister so fondly, and she couldn’t help but imagine what it would be like becoming part of his family and visiting them on holidays, having two women in her life who might one day feel like family to her.
Part of her wondered if she’d ever tell him the truth, her fear of his reaction overwhelming at times, but given his ongoing aversion to propaganda, she was inclined to believe that he was much more liberal than most of his peers.
‘Oh, you two,’ Gisele said with a sigh, reaching for her husband’s hand. ‘Our two lovebirds.’
Hans looked most offended and made a show of kissing his wife, which made Gisele swat at him with her hand, in turn making Amira and Maxi laugh. Maxi was endlessly affectionate, compared to Hans who was far more reserved.
‘My wife complains I don’t give her enough affection, and then she pushes me away like I’m a monster the moment I try!’
They all laughed, and Amira snuggled closer to Maxi, loving the feel of his mouth against her hair, the way he kissed her when she turned her face to him. There was nowhere else they could be like this with each other, but they’d all been friends for a long time, and besides, they only had hours left to spend together before he left. Her father would be livid if he knew of their relationship, butas much as she hated keeping a secret from him, she hadn’t any other choice.
‘I can see us when we’re old and grey, you know,’ Gisele said, leaning into her husband as he put his arms around her, all jokes aside. ‘Perhaps we could retire somewhere with a beach, and the children can all come to visit and swim in the ocean.’
‘The beach sounds perfect to me,’ Maxi said. ‘Trousers rolled up at the ankles, water splashing our feet. It sounds idyllic.’
‘Don’t forget the sunshine,’ Hans said. ‘We would be bathed in it all year around. No more fur coats and freezing cold winters.’
Amira’s eyes met Gisele’s across the table, and although she was smiling, she could see the conflict in her gaze. Gisele might be able to pretend, but they both knew. She knew that there was little chance they’d all make it, and Amira could see her regret. The world Gisele’s husband was fighting for, thefuturehe was fighting for, didn’t include people like her – and even if it did, what were the chances of both him and Maxi even making it until the end? The odds most definitely weren’t in their favour.
‘It sounds like a beautiful dream,’ Amira finally said, when Hans and Maxi stopped laughing and talking, as if realising she hadn’t joined in. ‘I think we all need something to look forward to after the war, so thank you. I shall hold that thought close to my heart while Maxi is away.’
Maxi held her a little closer, and she willingly tucked herself under his arm. But the table was quiet now, and she wished that she had just gone along with the banter, wondered if her words had been tinged with a sadness that she hadn’t intended.
‘Wearegoing to grow old together,’ Gisele said, her eyes shining with tears as she looked at them from across the table. ‘I will not stand for anything less. It’s the four of us, against the world.’
Maxi reached for his glass of wine, and Amira did the same, until all four of them were holding their glasses high.
‘To old age,’ Hans said, his gaze catching Amira’s.
‘To old age,’ Amira repeated, at the same time as Maxi.
They all sipped their wine, before Hans lifted his glass and spoke again.
‘And to Maxi. You’ve only just come home and here we are already farewelling you again.’
Amira took another sip of wine, nodding in agreement, before turning to Maxi and touching her palm gently to his cheek. She stared up at him, committing every inch of his face to memory as he smiled back down at her.
‘I love you,’ she murmured.
Maxi leaned in and pressed a slow, warm kiss to her lips. ‘I love you, too.’
Come home, she silently pleaded.Please, Maxi, make sure you come home to me. I don’t want to live without you.
But if he came home, if they all survived, she would be faced with either telling him the truth or pretending who she really was for the rest of her life; and she didn’t know which option she hated more.
An hour later, after Amira and Gisele had said their goodbyes and Amira had promised to visit her again the following day, they were finally making their way home. Maxi had told her he’d walk with her and see her in, to make certain she was safe in the dark, but they both knew that he wasn’t going to leave, not when he only had hours left in Berlin. With her father away, he had every intention of staying with her; after all, it might well be their last night together in a very, very long time and they’d already spent every night of his leave together so far.
