Page 29 of The Pianist's Wife
Gisele wrapped her arms even more tightly around herself and looked to the ground.
‘I know he’s your husband, and that he’s only ever shown me great kindness, but I always wonder what he’d do, if he found out,’ Amira said, her voice low. ‘Whether he’d protect me or...’ She didn’t need to finish her sentence for Gisele to understand what she was trying to say.
Frieda and Lukas came skipping back into the room with Otto bounding beside them then, and Gisele quickly wiped at her eyes as Amira spoke brightly to the children to distract them. ‘Come on, let’s take Otto outside. Perhaps we can find a stick for him to chase?’
She placed a hand on Gisele’s shoulder as she passed, holding it there until she felt her friend’s breath settle, before following the children. But inside her emotions raged. The truth was that she hated Hans for what he was part of, even though she knew how contradictory she was being. Maxi had been fighting for the same Germany that Hans was, neither of them knew who she truly was and she didn’t know their true beliefs, but still she wanted to blame Hans for the things he was doing, for he was ranked much more highly than a soldier on the ground. To women, children,anyonewho had so much as a drop of Jewish blood in their veins. And even if he didn’t agree with what was being asked of him, would he ever refuse to follow through with his orders? If more men were braver, if more men refused to follow such gruesome orders... She swallowed down her anger, refusing to be anything other than composed with children in the house.
‘Amira, there’s something else I need to tell you,’ Gisele said, her voice carrying to Amira in the hallway.
She turned, waiting.
‘Hans has requested that Fred play at a banquet for the SS,’ she said. ‘He said an invitation would be sent for both of you, but asked if I would informally pass the message along so you could prepare. Apparently he mentioned it to Fred at your wedding breakfast. It’s a celebration of sorts from what I understand, but I’m not privy to what they’ll be celebrating.’ She paused. ‘I’m sure you understand that these things are common for Fred to be invited to, but this is a special event because the wives have all been invited, too.’
Amira’s blood ran cold. ‘I’m to be invited?’Please, no. Please don’t tell me I have to sit surrounded by the enemy, in a room full of the very worst men in Berlin.
‘I’m sorry,’ was all Gisele said. ‘Hopefully in telling you early, you’ll have time to prepare, because I’m certain all the wives will be very curious about you and Fred. They’re like that when anyone new is introduced, but you have your story well-rehearsed already, and the more you tell it, the easier it will become to lie.’ Gisele’s smile wasn’t bright like it usually was. ‘This will be part of your life with Fred now. He’s the pianist of choice for the party, so there is an expectation that he will always make himself available to perform, of which he is very much aware.’
If Amira hadn’t known better, she would have thought she were being punished for something. Or perhaps it was simply all part of Gisele’s grand plan to ensure that no one guessed who she, or Fred, truly was.
Amira shut her eyes, raising her hand and leaning in to the wall to steady herself, her mind and heart racing.
‘Could you not have suggested the concert happen in a few months instead? Told him that we were newly-weds who wanted to enjoy their first few months of marriage to buy us some time?’
‘We’re all doing what we have to, to survive, and we’re in the middle of a war,’ Gisele said. ‘You must know that if there was anything more I could do, I would do it. It’s a game we all have to play, and I have to support Hans in whatever he’s asked to do, or should I say in whatever he asks me to do.’ They stared at one another. ‘He’s myhusband, Amira.’
And I’m your best friend.
It hung between them in the silence, three little words that suddenly seemed to change everything.He’s my husband.
But suddenly Amira’s mind flooded with what she’d seen, and she wondered what part Hans was actually playing in the atrocities happening around them. She thought of the family standing on the street with the yellow stars pinned to their lapels. The little boy with a grubby face stealing bread and being chased by men in black uniforms, their batons raised. The woman begging for food at the bakery, only to be shoved out of the store and told that Jews weren’t served there. The storefronts smashed into shards for shop after shop on the Night of Broken Glass. The families crying as their men were hauled away, entire groups herded and marched from the city.
That washerfate if she didn’t keep pretending and playing the game Gisele talked of, if the one person in her life who loved her didn’t continue to protect her and decided to choose her husband over her childhood friend. She had walked past those Jews back then, witnessed these things as if she were different, as if they meant nothing to her, even as tears clung to her lashes, even as she wanted to scream for someone to do something,anything. Did that make her as guilty as everyone else?
‘I think I should go now,’ Amira said, hearing how wooden her voice sounded, wishing she’d never come to visit.
Gisele reached for her and Amira let her friend squeeze her hand. ‘If you need me to help you find something to wear...’
Amira nodded. ‘Thank you, but I’m sure I’ll be fine.’
‘I hope to see you before the concert?’
Amira smiled again, acutely aware that Gisele was the keeper of her secret, and that even if she was angry, she would have to be careful about how she conducted herself. She’d been so worried about Gisele’s mother being the one person who could bring everything crashing down around her, but for the first time, standing in her friend’s house, she realised how much faith she’d put in Gisele herself. She’d never doubted her before, but their conversation today had planted a seed of worry that she wasn’t certain would be so easy to ignore.
‘I’ll see you soon, Gisele,’ Amira said, forcing herself to step forward and hug her, pressing a quick kiss to her cheek.
She’s my best friend. She’s protected me since I was a girl. Don’t doubt her now.
Gisele’s hold on her was tight, as if she didn’t want to let her go.
Two weeks later, Amira walked into a room full of men and their wives, all of whom she was acutely terrified of, and very much wishing she’d been able to arrive with Gisele, who would have known exactly what to say to put her at ease. Instead, she clung to Fred’s arm as if her life depended upon it, reciting their cover story in her mind and trying to make herself believe that it was fact, not fiction.
‘Remember, to anyone else,’ he murmured, gently prising her fingers from his arm, ‘we look like any other newly-weds. Just smile and try to pretend as if you belong here.’
She made a conscious effort to unclench her teeth, trying to release her jaw into a smile. Having her hair in a beautiful up-do and wearing a silk dress hadn’t helped her confidence any.
When they stopped walking, just before they reached a small group of couples gathered, Fred stopped and smiled down at her, leaning forward to brush a gentle kiss on to her cheek. ‘You look beautiful,’ he said. ‘I’m the envy of every man here.’
She touched his arm, her hand lingering before falling away. He’d said more to her tonight than he’d said all week, but somehow, in public, they were able to put on a good show, and she also knew that he needed her tonight. He was having to perform for the people responsible for taking his Christoph away, after all. She’d found that he spent nights pacing the kitchen with a cigarette burning on the table, long forgotten about, or sitting at his piano and staring into the distance, and it had become worse in the lead-up to the performance. He was pleasant to her, given that he thanked her for dinner or smiled when she said she was retiring for the evening, but mainly they were just two strangers existing in the same space.
