Page 68 of The Pianist's Wife
He hung his head. ‘I have reasoned with myself for years, telling myself that everything I do is to keep you all safe. But I don’t think that’s reason enough anymore, Gisele.’
Tears formed in her eyes then, because she knew it wasn’t enough, too.
‘Darling, I’ve spent my entire life telling myself that I’m not like all the others,’ she said, clasping his hands in hers. ‘I’ve told myself that just because I’ve always protected Amira, that I was somehow superior. But that didn’t stop me from going along to Bund Deutscher Mädel and practising like a perfect little Germangirl, or letting my friends talk about Nazi policy as I nodded politely and agreed with every word.’
‘It’s different for you. The things I’ve done, the things I’ve been witness to—’
‘Shhh,’ she whispered, in case her mother or one of the children was in the hallway or pressed to the door trying to listen to their private conversation. ‘You have done what you had to do, Hans, just as I have done what I felt I had to do. We are no different to each other.’
‘But you don’t see it like I do,’ Hans said, shaking his head as more tears fell. ‘Gisele, if you could see, if you could see the way they cram those families into the cattle cars, the way they pretend they’re not sending them straight to their deaths...’ She gently wiped his eyes, her heart breaking for him and for the families he’d seen. ‘The documents that I’m given, the truth about what’s happening, they’re not even things I could tell you without you hating me for being part of it.’
‘I would never hate you, Hans. Because I know your heart,’ she whispered, placing her hand to his chest. ‘I knowyou.’
‘I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this.’
She watched him, wishing away the pain in his eyes, the fact that he was breaking in front of her. ‘Hans—’
‘I know, I have to, but some days I just don’t know if I can wake up and do it all over again.’
They sat together, her hand still to his chest, feeling every inhale of his breath until he was finally ready to speak again.
‘I haven’t been entirely honest with you, Gisele.’
Her heart sank as she tried to imagine what he had done, but before she could speculate he dropped his voice even lower.
‘I was so hard on you when I found out the secret you’d been harbouring about Amira, but I’ve been keeping a secret, too,’ hesaid. ‘One of my colleagues, he serves with the SS, he is very well respected, but he, well, he’s a Jew.’
‘A member of the SS is a Jew?’
‘He’s the same as Amira. His mother was Jewish, just like her.’
‘No!’ she gasped. ‘But how?’
‘False paperwork I suppose. He confessed to me one night when we’d had too much to drink, broke down about what he’d been witness to, what he’d had to do to his own people. I think there are more of them serving the Reich and hiding in this way than anyone could realise.’
Gisele’s hand fluttered to her mouth. ‘That’s awful. Just awful.’
‘But Gisele, this is the thing, we are all doing awful things, even this Jewish soldier. We are all being forced to be evil just to stay alive.’
‘Which is why you want to go to Buchenwald,’ she said, understanding now why he’d made what seemed to be such a sudden decision. ‘You feel this is your chance to repent, to do some good?’
‘Even if I only save Amira and Fred, it’s something, isn’t it?’ he said. ‘It’s not enough, but it’ssomething.’
She wrapped her arms around him. ‘It’s more than something, Hans. You must know it’s much, much more than something.’
They sat like that for what felt like hours, until there was a knock at the door and Frieda called out. Gisele rose, pulling Hans’ head against her breast as she held him one more time, whispering kisses against his skin.
‘I’m so proud of you, darling. And I know it doesn’t feel this way now, but we have to believe that we’re different. We can only do what we can do, and for now, that has to be enough.’
But even as she said the words, they felt empty to her. It wasn’t enough. Helping one or two people and being complicit in everything else wasn’t enough, and it never would be. But she wasn’t going to tell her husband that.
He cleared his throat and wiped his eyes again, and she patted his shoulder.
‘Take all the time you need. I’ll go down to the children and keep my mother occupied until dinner time.’
Hans nodded, but it wasn’t until she’d taken a step away from him that he reached out and caught her hand. He lifted it and pressed a kiss to her skin.
‘I love you, Gisele.’
