Page 86 of Crazy In Love
“Monogamous for you!” Cliff guffaws. “Meanwhile, she’s dating in New York, oblivious to the fact you give a shit. You can’t expect her to be loyal to this long-distance thing if she doesn’t even know she’s in it.”
“This is why I fucking asked you, Christian.” Tommy drags hisfingers through his hair, tugging and groaning. “This!Because now you’re gonna get your heart broken, and that heartache will turn to hate. Fox will have no cluewhyyou hate her, just that it hurts. She’ll move on once she’s back in New York, since you give her no reason not to. Alana’s gonna notice the tension, and eventually, she won’t even be able to have you both in the same room. All becauseyouwent and did something you said you weren’t doing, and now you’re too scared to stand up and own it.”
“Meanwhile, Fox is still,technically, a free agent,” Cliff teases. “And Alana thinks we should go out on a date.”
“I’m gonna kill you.” I press my hands to the canvas in preparation to shove to my feet and destroy the dude I considered a friend before all this. “Forgetattempted. I’ll get it done.”
He flashes a peace symbol and backs up, chugging water that spills onto his chin. “At least I’ve never gotten myself into a situationship I was too scared to claim. If I like someone, she knows it. If I want someone, I tell them. Miscommunication is cowardice.”
“The fuck you want me to do?” I bound to my feet and follow him all the way to the ropes. But I don’t hit him. I turn and pace instead. “She lives in New York, and I live here. Relationships take time to build, not six weeks of sneaking around. So even if wecouldagree we kinda want to explore something more, she lives there, and I live here.”
“If she wants more,” slowly, Tommy straightens out, “then she might consider staying a little longer. If she has reason, it’s not out of the realm of possibility that she might move here.”
I snort. “ShehatesPlainview. The only reason she’s here is for Alana and Franky. Her life is in New York.”
“Have you considered… oh, I don’t know,” Cliff taunts. “Maybe you could go to New York?”
“Me?” I skid to a stop and stare down at the sweat-spotted canvas. “The hell would I do in New York? Without Tommy and Alana and the kids?” I bring my eyes across to my brother. “I can’t be where you and the family aren’t.”
“You’re choosingmyfamily, the one I made with Lana, over your family… the one youcouldcreate with Fox.”
“I only have one family! I can’t fucking function without you in my life, Tommy. I can’t be where you and Alana and the kids aren’t. What the fuck do you think I’ll do over there? Sit in her apartment all day and wait for her to get home from work? While she’s living her life, exactly how it’s always been, going off to the amazing job she loves—which isanother reasonshe won’t move here, by the way!—and I’ll just wait for her to get back each evening?”
“You could get a job, too,” Cliff inserts. “Like a regular, functioning member of society.”
“Thisis my job.” I gesture outside the boxing ring, toward the bags hanging from the ceiling, and the curious side-eye Eliza shoots from the doorway. “This is my gym. This is what my brother and I built together. Those students.” I point at Cliff. “These fighters. I’m not cut out for the kind of change you expect of me, man. I’m not built to pack up and cross the country, to fit into a society I have no clue how to navigate, where I make my entire existence all about waiting.Waitingfor her to come home from her fancy Fortune Fifty career.Waitingfor her to travel back here again to see Alana and the kids, just so I can come, too, and not feel like I was the one pressuring her to do it.Waitingfor the work week to pass, so we can have two days together without the rest of the world intruding.” I cast desperate eyes to Tommy. “I already did my waiting. For eighteen fucking years, I sat inside that house, getting the shit kicked out of me, or worse, watching them kick the shit out of you. Starving. Scared. Hoping neither of us died before we were old enough to escape. Then, waiting for Alana, when she hopped a bus and abandoned us. I waited, Tommy, a weekend, and then a week. Then a month. I thought, surely she would come back soon. I waited a year. And then five. And I waited foryou. Waited for you to come back to me, because even if you were here, physically, your mind wasn’t. Now everything is the way it’s supposed to be; you’re happy, and Franky is one of us. Hazel is here and safe. Alana’s wearing a diamond on her finger, and she’s made promises to be your family. Which means she’ll be mine, too.”
“Chris—”
“Everything is how we dreamed it would be. Finally! Butnowyou tell me to leave? To sit in a different house? To wait for something good to happen?”
Aching, he drops his shoulders on an exhale.
“Or I let her go and wait… wait to see if she’ll come back? Wait to see,whenshe comes back to visit Alana and the kids, if she could still be mine? Wait to find out if she’s moved on. Wearing someone else’s diamond on her finger.”
“Jesus, Chris.” He stalks forward. “You’re making a mess of it.”
“It was supposed to be casual!” I turn to the ropes and yank them wide, climbing through the gap and onto the floor outside. “Itiscasual. That’s what we agreed on. That’s whatsheaskedfor.”
He walks to the edge of the ring and leans, his hands dangling forward and his shoulders bowed in defeat. “You’re catastrophizing. Change is scary, I know. It’s uncomfortable.”
Uncomfortable.Such a simple term, yet completely paralyzing.
“You still have a couple of weeks left with her. So why not just…” He shrugs. “Ya know? Enjoy it. Gauge her interest. You don’t have to go all in, screaming about love. But you could ask her questions and see where her head’s at. It might come to nothing. Or it might give you closure. But either is better than what you’re doing to yourself right now.”
Closure.A gift not all are fortunate enough to receive.
“Yeah.” I lick my lips. “Sure.”
“I know how you hurt,” he murmurs. “I know how your brain torments you. Iamyou, Chris. But you carry more pain than I ever have. If this thing with Fox is supposed to be short-lived and fun, then have fun. Enjoy it for what it is. If it’s supposed to be long-term, then I have faith you’ll figure it out.”
I scoff.
“But what it’snotmeant to be, what it wasnevermeant to be, is painful. Don’t hurt each other while you’re figuring this out.”
“Right.” I exhale a long, noisy, chest-shrinking breath. “Good talk. Don’t tell Alana, okay? That’s one thing Fox and I are on the same page about.”
He laughs. “No fuckin’ shit I won’t tell Alana. I’d rather not be the reason she cries herself to sleep tonight. And probably don’t go near Cliff for the next couple of weeks, okay? He’s not your enemy, but you’re not in the right headspace to differentiate those details at the moment.”
