Page 42 of The Dark Lord Awakens
Still, even this diminished fortune would be enough to address the immediate crises facing my subjects. And if I managed things properly, maybe I could rebuild Iferona’s economy to compete with those prosperous realms someday. The Dark Realm had fallen far, but with careful management, perhaps it could rise again.
[Helpdesk Supreme notices valued customer’s extended period of contemplation. Would you like this unit to suggest appropriate spending categories based on your realm’s current socioeconomic indicators?]
“You can see the condition of my realm?” I asked, surprised.
[Helpdesk Supreme regularly monitors connected realms to optimize purchase recommendations. This unit observes that Iferona is experiencing: critical infrastructure failure, widespread malnutrition, inadequate sanitation, defensive vulnerabilities, and a 94.3% decline in overall prosperity metrics since your last login. May this unit suggest emergency relief supplies as a priority purchase?]
“Well, that’s… actually helpful,” I admitted grudgingly. “Let’s start with that.”
[Proceed with conversion?]
[Conversion amount:
? 100 OT
? 1,000 OT
? 10,000 OT
? 100,000 OT
? Custom amount: _______]
I hesitated, then entered ‘50,000’ in the custom field. Best to start small, just in case this was some elaborate magical trap designed to punish greedy dark lords. Or in case I woke up was suddenly back in my crappy apartment with a maxed-out credit card and nothing to show for it but an elaborate fantasy.
[Converting 50,000 OpenTokens from treasury assets. Physical equivalent will be removed from Chest 7, Section B. Confirm?]
I glanced at the chests, wondering which was ‘Chest 7, Section B.’ Probably one of the ones I hadn’t opened yet. “Confirm,” I said aloud, then tapped the button, half expecting sirens to go off and the floor to open beneath me, dropping me into a pit of spikes or possibly a pool of administrative paperwork.
There was a soft chiming sound, like the world’s most polite cash register, and the window updated.
[Conversion complete. Your new balance is 50,000 OpenTokens. What would you like to purchase today? Helpdesk Supreme notes that ‘emergency relief supplies’ and ‘basic survival necessities’ are not typically selected by Dark Lords, who statistically prefer ‘torture devices,’ ‘soul-binding artifacts,’ and ‘ominous architectural elements.’]
“Are you judging my shopping choices?” I asked incredulously.
[Helpdesk Supreme does not judge. This unit merely observes that valued customer’s selections deviate from established Dark Lord purchasing patterns by approximately 97.8%.]
“Well, I’m not your typical Dark Lord,” I muttered, tapping the ‘Food & Supplies’ category that had appeared on screen.
[Helpdesk Supreme has noticed. This unit has already created a new customer profile category: ‘Atypical Dark Lord with Concerning Humanitarian Tendencies.’]
“Just show me the food options, Supremo.”
The selection that appeared was staggering. Bulk grains, preserved meats, dried fruits, cooking oils, seeds for planting, farming tools, cooking equipment… everything I could possibly need to feed a starving population. It was like someone had taken my old workplace, removed all the corporate soul-crushing elements, and transformed it into a magical wish-fulfillment service.
Well, most of the soul-crushing elements. Supremo’s corporate personality was apparently interdimensional.
“This is incredible,” I said, scrolling through the options. “But this is going to take forever to sort through. I need to place a massive order for emergency relief. Is there a way to streamline this?”
[Helpdesk Supreme can activate Emergency Relief Protocol. This unit will calculate appropriate quantities based onpopulation size and nutritional requirements. Would valued customer like to proceed with this option?]
“Yes, please,” I replied, surprised by the helpful suggestion.
[Please provide population estimate and primary nutritional concerns.]
“About forty thousand demons of various types. Many are severely malnourished, including children. Limited cooking facilities available. Need immediate consumption options.”
[Calculating optimal emergency relief package. Helpdesk Supreme notes that ‘feeding the masses’ is selected by Dark Lords in only 0.003% of transactions. Most preferred Dark Lord activities include: ‘subjugating the masses,’ ‘terrifying the masses,’ and ‘experimenting on the masses.’ Would valued customer like recommendations more aligned with traditional Dark Lord activities?]
