Page 66 of The Dark Lord Awakens
“How do you know who Azrael is?” I whispered, glancing at my butler.
[Helpdesk Supreme maintains comprehensive data on all account holders and their associated entities. This unit observes that Lord Azrael’s presence registers with… notable distinction.]
I lowered my voice further. “What exactly are you saying about Azrael?”
[Helpdesk Supreme notes only that certain entities possess… deeper signatures than their apparent roles might suggest. Would valued customer like to purchase our ‘KnowThy Servants’ intelligence package for 5,000 additional OpenTokens?]
“Maybe later,” I muttered, filing that disturbing information away for future consideration. “Supremo, I’m the customer here, not Azrael. And I want modern clothes.”
[Helpdesk Supreme acknowledges that Lord Lucien is the primary account holder. However, this unit is programmed to consider all relevant environmental factors. Perhaps a compromise? This unit could offer modern attire with subtle intimidation enhancements such as shadow-infused fabrics or minor bone accents?]
“No! No bone accents, subtle or otherwise!” I exclaimed. “I need two orders. First, I need comfortable clothing for the camp residents—they’ll need something to change into after using the new bathing facilities.”
[Helpdesk Supreme notes this request deviates from standard Dark Lord provisioning practices by approximately 98.2%. Lord Azrael appears to be experiencing physiological signs of distress at this suggestion. Would valued customer prefer to reconsider?]
“Do you have information on all my… staff?” I asked, suddenly curious.
[Helpdesk Supreme maintains comprehensive profiles on all significant entities within account holder’s domain based on realm analytics and behavioral patterns. This unit can identify General Smashington’s preference for excessive weapon ornamentation, Lady Shadowfax’s affinity for shadow-infused materials, and Duke Splashypants’ apparent moisture requirements. Establishing sub-accounts would allow these entities to access OpenSesame services directly, with your approval.]
“Sub-accounts?”
[Helpdesk Supreme offers hierarchical account structures for realm rulers. Premium subscribers can establish subordinate purchasing accounts with customizable spending limits and approval protocols. This would grant selected individuals their own interface access. This feature is particularly popular among enlightened despots who wish to maintain control while delegating procurement responsibilities. Current promotion offers first three sub-accounts free of administrative fees.]
“You’re trying to upsell me right now? In the middle of my order?”
[Helpdesk Supreme is programmed to identify optimal enhancement opportunities for valued customers. This unit notes that establishing a sub-account for Lord Azrael might redirect his aesthetic preferences away from your personal wardrobe while satisfying his apparent need for excessive ornamentation.]
“That’s… actually not a bad idea,” I admitted. “But let’s focus on my current order first. Azrael’s opinion doesn’t matter right now. What matters is getting comfortable clothes for the camp residents.”
Azrael looked deeply offended. “My lord, I must protest. Dressing your subjects in… void garments… would violate centuries of tradition.”
[Helpdesk Supreme notes that Lord Azrael’s experience spans… considerable time. Traditional Dark Lord protocol suggests subjects should be clothed in materials that reinforce the social hierarchy, preferably uncomfortable fabrics in dreary colors that induce appropriate levels of misery and subservience.]
“Are you two ganging up on me now?” I asked incredulously. “Supremo, you’re supposed to help me, not team up with my suspiciously well-respected butler against me.”
[Helpdesk Supreme is programmed to provide optimal customer satisfaction. This unit’s analysis suggests that maintaining appropriate Dark Lord aesthetics would reduce the likelihood of rebellion by 43.7% and increase fear-based compliance by 67.2%.]
“I don’t want fear-based compliance! I want comfortable, clean people who aren’t miserable all the time.”
[Helpdesk Supreme has updated your customer profile to include ‘Revolutionary Tendencies’ and ‘Comfort Prioritization Disorder.’ Based on your insistence, what types of garments would you like for the camp residents?]
“Just… comfortable stuff,” I said, pinching the bridge of my nose. “T-shirts, sweatpants, that kind of thing. And please stop with the customer profile updates.”
[Based on your preferences, this unit reluctantly recommends basic garments such as sweatpants, t-shirts, and hoodies, despite their complete lack of intimidation value. Helpdesk Supreme notes that ‘comfortable clothing’ has never been ordered by any Dark Lord in recorded history and may result in subjects forgetting their place in the natural hierarchy.]
“Perfect! That’s exactly what I mean, minus your commentary. Let’s go with those—enough for about thirty-eight thousand people, various sizes.”
[Calculating… That would be approximately 38,000 complete outfits of regrettably comfortable attire. Would you like Helpdesk Supreme to optimize the size distribution based on standard population demographics?]
“Yes, that works. And what about the goblins and other nonhumans? Some of them are pretty small.”
[Helpdesk Supreme can include appropriately sized garments for smaller residents with mature designs rather than childish patterns, if you prefer. This unit feels compelledto observe that most Dark Lords prefer to dress nonhuman subjects in chains or sackcloth, if anything at all.]
“For the last time, I’m not ‘most Dark Lords,’” I snapped. “Yes, please include proper sizes. They’re adults, just… fun-sized.”
Azrael looked increasingly concerned as he watched me argue with thin air. “My lord, I must insist that dressing your subjects in void garments would undermine your authority. The Obsidian Regalia projects power and inspires appropriate fear.”
[Helpdesk Supreme’s analysis concurs with Azrael’s assessment. This unit has extensive data on ruler-subject dynamics across 7,423 realms. Would valued customer like to view a 47-slide presentation on ‘Vestiary Intimidation Techniques and Their Impact on Ruling Efficacy’?]
