Page 41 of The Cowboy's Redemption
“Not at first,” Levi said, agreeing with her. Odd, the way disappointment beat at her heart over that. “Only because I didn’t want to hurt other people, but I finally figured out that the only people we’re really hurting are us. What if I said I want you to keep what Otto left you? What if I told you I want more from you than what we’ve got now? That maybe we could work on a future together?”
Panic shoved disappointment aside, as if sensing she’d escaped from one trap only to be lured into another. He was offering her what Tanner had wanted and she’d declined. What kind of hypocrite would she be if she accepted?
“I wasn’t looking for anything permanent. You knew that,” she said.
She still wasn’t. She couldn’t go through that again—the incredible high of falling in love, the intense emotions of fighting and making up, then the crushing disillusionment as love slowly faded and the reality that a battlefield was what their life together was destined to be settled in. The sense of entrapment. Her skin crawled with panic, but she wouldn’t—shecouldn’t—back down.
She liked what she and Levi had established between them. It was fun. It was easy. So far, they could both look back on this period without any regrets. If they ran into each other again, they might even be able to pick up where they left off—but only as long as there were no hard feelings between them.
There were no hard feelings on her part. She was beginning to think the opposite might not be true.
“You were looking for something, though. What was it?” he asked.
She lashed out, using the first thing that popped into her head. “Proof of life.Everyone treats me as if I’m grieving. As if I’d died, too. You can’t imagine how lonely that is.”
She wished she could take back what she’d said. She didn’t want sympathy from him. She’d had far too much from others already. She braced herself for it.
She didn’t get it.
“Are you? Grieving?” he asked. He sounded more curious than sympathetic.
Very well. He’d asked for this.
“You wanted to know why I chose you,” she said, rather than answering his last question directly. “It’s because I can trust you.” She twisted her fingers together, sorting her words. “I’ve never told anyone this. Tanner and I… We had a fight, right before his last ride. I’d just found out I was pregnant, and I wasn’t happy about it. I wanted so badly to make it to finals. He, on the other hand, was ecstatic. He admitted he planned it. He kept talking about how we’d buy a place in Grand and start our own business. I told him I was leaving.” She’d only gone to his last ride for the sake of public appearances. Another mistake on her part. “After the accident, no one knew we’d split up. Letting people believe I was grieving gave me the privacy I needed. I didn’t know what to do about the pregnancy, but because people were watching me, I kept on competing. Then Crackerjack threw me, and later that night, I miscarried.” She’d been three months along—just long enough to come to terms with the idea of the new little life about to change the direction of hers. “I was relieved and guilty and sad, and so, so many things about it.”
“Those all sound like pretty normal reactions to me.” His sideways glance reserved any judgment. “You’re human. Humans have complex emotions.” The first hint of sympathy intruded. “And that’s a pretty big secret to keep to yourself.”
“Yes, well, it’s all in the past,” she said lightly. She hated that she’d made him feel sorry for her. She didn’t want to bare any more of her soul. That wasn’t what their relationship was about.
They’d reached Otto’s by now. The rain began to let up. The horses huddled peacefully together, wet flanks pinpointed by the truck’s headlights, unbothered by their arrival. She popped the passenger door open, then glanced at him over her shoulder, sliding desire into her eyes.
“We’ve talked enough for one night,” she said. “Let’s go to bed.”
*
Levi
Levi didn’t followher straightaway. The pregnancy news hit him hard. He had complex, somewhat intense, and definitely conflicting emotions about that, himself.
Tanner had been a good friend. He’d been so damnedlikeable. Levi had so many happy memories of him.
None of which meant he’d been blind to Tanner’s faults, and a big one was that he’d rarely heard the word no in his life. His family had always made sure he got whatever he wanted—and he was always so grateful, so appreciative, that no one saw how badly they’d spoiled him. Not until Dana.
Now, she was the one paying the price.
It’s because I can trust you.
A point in Levi’s favor, considering how badly she’d been betrayed by someone she’d loved. And she had loved Tanner. He’d seen them together. That their relationship had ended the morning of Tanner’s last ride—for her, at least—wasn’t in doubt, although she had some residual issues to resolve on that front.
He’d studied animal behavior. Humans were part of the animal kingdom, and regardless of species, grief was an individual experience. Hers was all bunched up with anger to the point she’d shut down to survive.
But being considered trustworthy by her…being safe. From a man’s point of view, it ranked up there withlet’s be friendsand he’d have none of that.
He didn’t sleep with his friends. He didn’t reach for them in the night and bury himself inside them, enjoying the heat in their voices in the darkness as they told him what they liked, or the sweet smell of their hair as he gripped it in his hands, breathing it in. He didn’t run his fingertips over their naked skin, or whisper what he’d like for them to do to him in return.
He was pretty sure she didn’t enjoy her friends that way either, no matter how lonely she was. She was ready to move on—another good thing—but she didn’t seem to know how to go about it.
So far, she was going about it the wrong way.
