Page 46 of The Cowboy's Redemption
He pushed off his thighs, levering himself to his feet. “Here’s the deal, Dana. I love you, but you put too much pressure on yourself. It’s tiring to watch. You don’t have to be perfect. Nobody is. I think you’ve allowed people to believe you’re grieving for Tanner because it gives you an excuse if you fail. The same with riding horses that aren’t quite good enough to get you to finals. They’re excuses.” He reached for the door. “I also think you let people believe you’re grieving for him because you know you should be, but you won’t let yourself. Why don’t you call me when you’re ready to quit worrying about what other people think, and let yourself grieve for the Tanner you knew—the one who loved you, who wasn’t perfect, and who was so insecure, he did something stupid to try and keep you? If you can forgive him, and let him go, maybe then you and I stand a chance. But I can’t help you with it. It’s something you have to sort out on your own.”
Dana watched the door swing silently closed. She was so angry she thought her head might explode. How dare he presume to know how she felt?
She had no unfinished business with Tanner. They’d said all that was needed. She had no reason to grieve. And as for forgiveness? Maybe. In time. But she’d never forget.
The last thing she wanted or needed was another cowboy deciding he knew what was best for her.
Chapter Fifteen
Dana
February kicked offher new season and she’d chosen the pro circuit rodeo in Grand for Tanoa’s debut. The prize money the Endeavour Ranch offered proved an excellent incentive to attend. So did Ryan O’Connell’s insistence that she review Ford’s offer to purchase her share of Otto’s business with him before he’d allow her to sell.
Crackerjack was another good reason. When Chance Avery heard he was for sale, he’d made an offer she was happy to accept. If anyone could help Crackerjack overcome his fear of crowds, it was Chance. He was kind but firm with his horses, but better than that, he never transmitted anything but calm to his ride. A less kind person might attribute his laidback disposition to a lack of deep thought. It didn’t matter to Dana. While she hated to give up on Crackerjack, once she saw him with Chance, she knew she’d made the right choice.
But Levi was the real reason she’d come to Grand.
She hadn’t seen or heard from him in the four months since he’d lectured her in the hospital. After the first month, it really hit home that he wouldn’t call. By the end of the second, she’d decided it didn’t matter if she never heard from him again. Her ribs and arm had fully healed, and she had Tanoa to train.
The third month had been too lonely. She’d gone to a few parties over Christmas and turned down an offer from an old boyfriend from high school who’d wanted to reconnect. He’d been her first and they’d learned a few things together. They’d split up on good terms when he went off to college, and if she’d wanted nothing more than a warm body, he might have been perfect.
But she missed more than a warm body. Without Levi, her life felt…lopsided. She’d come to Grand to let him know how she felt about him, even though letting him in—giving him that much control over her… It terrified her.
But her biggest fear was that she might be too late. He and Shauna, the lawyer, had looked good together, and Levi liked pleasing women.
She stopped her truck at the Methodist church on the road between Grand and the Endeavour Ranch, where they’d buried Otto in the summer. The frigid wind bit her cheeks as she hopped out of the cab and closed the door. The parking lot had been plowed, but the graveyard overlooking the Tongue River behind the church was buried under at least two feet of snow.
She trudged through the snow, searching for the right headstone among the dark bumps of stone peeking out of the blanket of white. When she thought she’d found the right one, she dug down a few inches to read the name carved into the granite to make sure. Then she made a seat for herself in the snow next to the headstone.
She propped her elbows on her knees and rested her chin on her cupped and mittened hands. This was a beautiful spot. The sky was cloudless and blue, and the sun beamed winter white overhead. Tall trees helped cut the wind, although the dry, frosty air pinched her nostrils when she breathed in.
She reached out and traced the tip of one mitten over the name on the headstone.Tanner Matthew Shannahan. Aged 25.
“What you did to me was wrong,” she began, feeling a little silly for speaking out loud, but it seemed somehow right. “What you did tous. You might have been ready to give up the circuit and settle down, but I wasn’t, and you had no right to make those kinds of decisions for me. I meant it when I said I was leaving you. I wouldn’t have changed my mind. I would never have been able to trust you again, and trust is important to me. But I should have told you I loved you, because at first, I really did. Maybe if you’d believed it, then you could have trusted me, too. Maybe we’d still be together. Maybe we’d have a baby we both wanted, or we’d be planning to have one. It doesn’t matter anymore, because it’s too late for you and me, but I thought you should know that I’ve found someone else. Someone I trust. I’m not sure if he still wants me, but I have to find out. And if he does, I hope that you can be happy for us.”
She waited, rubbing the end of her cold nose with her mitten, but nothing momentous occurred. No flock of birds burst into flight. No murmurs on the wind to indicate she’d been heard. No signs from beyond.
She hadn’t expected any signs. All she’d wanted was to let the anger and bitterness go, and to set her heart free, because it turned out that Levi had been right. She’d been grieving without understanding why or for what. Missed opportunities, perhaps. Things left unsaid—not necessarily things that needed saying, but the ones nice to hear. She’d loved the potential she’d seen in Tanner. For the man he might someday become.
She loved Levi for the man he already was. And she had to tell him so, or she’d spend the rest of her life burdened by the same regrets Otto had suffered and warned her about.
She rose and dusted the snow off the back of the thick canvas overcoat she wore when she worked in cold arenas. Then she hiked through the drifts to her truck, where she set the heater to high. Small puddles of water from the melting snow on her boots formed at her feet while she waited her turn to pull onto the road. Cars and trucks flew by the parking lot, headed for the rodeo arena, no doubt.
It was where she was headed, too.
*
The Endeavour’s indoorarena was enormous, complete with stadium seating. It gave off the vibe of a seventies-style rock concert, complete with strobe lighting and music, and it was full, but not packed to capacity.
She’d taken a seat in the bleachers to watch the men’s barrel racing competition. Chance and Crackerjack’s performance had her on her feet. They placed fourth in the heat, but the noise and the lights and the crowd hadn’t put either of them off stride, and she was so happy to see it.
She searched the crowd, ignoring the whispers and nudges from the people who recognized her, more aware of her growing disappointment at finding no sign of Levi than their interest in her. The women’s races would start soon after the entertainment, and she should be focused on that.
She was no longer the favorite. A teenager, barely seventeen, had made pro in the fall and the crowd loved her. Dana didn’t mind. Barrel racing was her job and she wanted to ride. She wanted the paycheck. She also wanted to win—but she’d never cared for the attention. The teenager could have it.
Someone slid into the empty seat next to her from behind.
It was Tate.
