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Sobs ran hot and raging down my face.

I hadn’t even wanted this child.

But losing it would tear my soul apart. I didn’t think I could survive that kind of pain. I didn’t want to have to go through that sort of pain.

When I chose to run away after the party and risked Matvey’s wrath, I was not thinking about revenge for Yulia or my own safety. All I could think of was the little life that was growing inside me.

And how I had to be strong enough to protect it no matter what.

***

The day slipped by like smoke. I hadn’t sat down for a second since I got here. I couldn’t.

I strode from room to room, like I was waiting for a knock that I hadn’t heard yet, like Matvey might be able to burst through the walls instead of the door.

I stuffed the clothes I’d folded into the drawers, then backed away, and removed them again. Placed them back. Folding and refolding until my hands ached. My head thudded from trying to silence the screaming inside it.

The apartment was quiet—too quiet. No overhead creaks, no TV buzz from the neighbor next door, no car alarm outside in the street.

Only the tick of the second hand on the broken clock above the stove, and the hiss of my own breathing, coming more slowly now.

I pressed my hand against my belly whenever I felt the slightest pull or wrenching, a phantom pain, a flutter, something I couldn’t even name. I didn’t know if it was fear or pregnancy hormones messing with my mind or something else.

Each time I touched myself there, I wanted to be reassured. And each time, I wasn’t.

By evening, the sky had taken on a bruised shade of violet, and keeping my eyes open had become a struggle.

The mattress in the corner was thin and old. Springs jabbed into my ribcage beneath the sheet, but it was better than the freezing floor.

I curled up small, facing away from the door, hoping that turning my back would make me invisible.

But sleep did not come easily.

My mind was spinning with everything I’d done. Everything I’d lost. And all that I was now carrying.

I left him.

I left the Bratva behind.

I should’ve felt free and victorious. I should’ve been happy I’d finally managed to slip past the life they forced me into, but I wasn’t.

I was afraid, but not of Matvey or the rest of the Yezhovs and what they would do to me if they found me.

No.

What I was afraid of was how much love I already had for my unborn child. It seemed like just yesterday when that pregnancy test strip showed me those pink lines that would forever change my life, yet I felt like I would burn the whole world down if that was what it would take to keep my baby safe.

And I was certain I would.

Chapter 18 – Matvey

The first thing I felt the moment I regained consciousness was cold.

It seeped into my body and settled in my chest like frost, leaking into my ribs, freezing my lungs before I could even pry my eyes open.

Then there was pain buried deep inside my head, and a slow fire behind my eyes like I’d been hit by a truck.

My tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth, parched and feral. The metallic flavor in my throat was a warning that something was wrong even before my eyes had time to adjust to the light of day.