Page 107 of Enemies with Benefits
I glanced at him, and he had to clear his throat roughly several times before he found the strength to speak. "You told her it was because the whole thing was stupid?"
"Close, I told it I did it because it was funny. I'm guessing from the look on her face and the note she sent home with me, she didn't see the humor in it."
"You...Jesus," he said, his voice soft and almost distant, as if he were having a hard time hearing what I’d told him. "So, you've always been an asshole."
"I guess so," I said, feeling the weariness return because,of course,that's what he pulled from that story. "Not really the point I was going for, but I guess."
He threw up his hands. “Then what point were you trying to make?"
For a moment, I seriously considered keeping my mouth shut and staring at him, letting his thoughts overtake him and make him obsess. It would be as simple as that, and the irritated, spiteful part of me wanted to do it because, Jesus Christ, couldn't he separate himself from his head long enough to think? To consider what someone else, or at least I, was thinking or feeling? Why did everything have to be a constant struggle with him?
But no, I let the spite go, letting it float off into the mental ether where it would drift for a time. I knew eventually it wouldreturn, called whenever it felt like coming back, or more likely, when I was pissed off and wanting to get my own back when someone got on my nerves. That spite was as much a part of me as the grief at the loss of my father, just things I would never be able to rid myself of, no matter what I did. Not that I ever truly wanted to rid myself of my grief. My father had been a good man, and he deserved to be mourned for the rest of my life, but that grief was mine and mine alone; it didn't call to be shared.
"I guess you have a point that I've been like...this, for a long time," I said with a shrug, annoyed that the asshole still insisted on seeing the absolute worst in me whenever he was irritated or frustrated. "Because yeah, I guess I’ve always seen how stupid and weird the world can be, and all I've been able to do is laugh at it. People are going to see what they're going to see, and do what they're going to do, so why shouldn't I do the same, but have a good time along the way? But really, I was laughing for the same reason I was thinking of that old ass memory...because for a moment, I was able to look out of the corner of my eyes and see the picture I guess I'd known was there all along when it came to us, but never really saw completely."
"That's...not helping," he said, and I wondered how irritating it had to be for him, whipping between confusion and annoyance so frequently. Honestly, with how testy he was most of the time, it was probably a miracle he hadn't lost his temper by now.
"I'm so very tempted not to tell you, to see if maybe you can look at things from a weird angle and see the picture."
"Don't fuck with me more than you already have."
"Tempting, oh so tempting...but no, I won't do that. What was funny to me from the beginning and is absurdly hilarious now is...you had all these different people over the years, like Moira, and even Kayden, who had a chance to peek in your head and see what's lurking in there. Except, my sister wouldn't do that, would she? Not because she doesn't have control issuesand wants to know everything, but because you two are just too similar. She'd make the mistake of being confident that she knew enough to deal with you, because you two are so alike that she wouldn't think to dig for the differences. And Kayden? You two couldn't be more different in a lot of ways, but he's too damn nice, too respectful of your moods and your bitchy ass attitude. He tries to make sure you stay happy and have a bit of fun, but he never pushes it, does he? So why would he push past all your prickly defenses?"
Confusion had given way to wariness, but he was always going to be an angry son of a bitch, so I wasn't surprised to see the anger was still there. I suppose it would stay with him just like my spite and my grief, a part of him that wasn't going anywhere, no matter how much he or others might want otherwise. Honestly, I’d be fine with that, but it would be nice if his temper didn't always have to do with me, or at least wasn't always aimed at me. Or wasn't used as a bludgeon to ward me off every time he decided things weren't going the way he expected.
"I...okay," he said, swallowing hard and looking away. "I'm not saying you're right."
"No, God no, we wouldn't want that."
"Can you not be a sarcastic ass for five minutes?"
"Can you not be a grumpy asshole for five minutes?"
His face twitched, and for a moment, I thought he was about to chuckle before he rolled his eyes. “That was your point?"
"No, that was the start of the point. As for the rest, well, you have all these people that could have gotten closer to the truth, to really get to the nitty gritty of you, but for one reason or another, they didn't. In fact, and here's the really funny part, the only person who has got close to really seeing all of you...is the one person you've despised for years. Well, if we take your parents out of the equation, because that's a whole different level of hate."
His frown returned. “You?"
"Me."
"Fuck off."
"Really? I mean, think about it."
"No."
"I mean, sure, others put up with your moods, but I'm sure Moira just ignored you, and Kayden tries to soothe you. But me? Sometimes I do that, and other times I just roll with it because it is what it is."
"Or you fucking cause it!"
"Mmm, that too, but for a while now, I haven't let it get to me. Obviously, tonight is an exception, but still."
"Oh, good, you know how to deal with me being pissed off, great for you."
"Oh, good, you discovered sarcasm. Maybe next will be an actual sense of humor."
"Fuck off."
