Page 120 of Enemies with Benefits
"But you...you...here, and...overnight...and that time after the girl..." he stammered, and I rolled my eyes to the heavens, and though there would be no salvation or help found there, it was better than losing my temper again. Jace was clearly confused as hell and didn't know what to do with himself, and I wasn't a big enough jerk to take advantage and start kicking him around.
"I care about you," I repeated. "Clearly, or at least I hope that's clear. But that is not the same thing as being willing to stand around and let you figure out if you even like me as a person, let alone as a partner. It was fun at first, but it stopped being fun. I think it stopped being fun a while ago, but it took the other night to really drive it home. So yeah, I can still care about you and not want to stand around and let you figure that shit out."
"Just like that?” he asked, and I wondered when he was going to stop responding to everything I said with a fucking question.
"No, not just like that. Somewhere along the line, I got to actually caring about you, which means I liked you, which means I started thinking about us asus, rather than as you and me. Somoving on from something like that is going to take time, and it's going to take effort. And it's going to mean that things will be awkward and tense between us for a while because you're still going to be in my life because of Micah, which is fine by the way. I want you to be there for him. As far as dads go, you're going to be a good one because, despite being a fucked up mess who can't figure out his head from his ass, you're going to paranoid your way into making sure he learns good shit from you. And one day, I'll be able to look at you and not think about what could have been, or what we missed out on, or all the potential that was left to rot. So no, not 'just like that', just...it is what it is."
I felt exhausted getting all that out and wondered if maybe I should have said something like that before, considering the blank look on his face, that might have been a sign of me actually getting through to him. Then again, he hadn't exactly made it easy to be open with him, or vulnerable, for that matter. Even now, the blank look was disappearing into a stormy expression, and a wave of exhaustion passed over me again. I was too tired right now for whatever fight he had in store, and honestly, too tired of the fighting to want it to happen even if I had slept.
"Exactly," I said as his eyes continued to cloud over. I turned and walked away.
I heard the footsteps behind me and a hand clamped down on my upper arm, swinging me around. With a snarl, I brought my other arm up to deck him for once again deciding we were going to get into a fight, only for him to catch it by the upper arm. My jaw tightened as he held me for a moment, and at that point, I was done playing nice, and I was over fighting fair. My leg tensed to bring up, not caring if it was a dirty move, if being cheap meant he would finally realize I was done, then I would?—
He yanked me toward him, and our lips crashed together. It was messy, a little painful as our mouths collided, and it was absolutely done on the front walk of the hospital in the middle ofmorning foot traffic. It also involved both of us having our eyes open, staring at one another, my vision swimming as my brain tried to make his face come into focus even as it kept splitting into two, which was...weird.
With a grunt, he separated us and held me in front of him. I realized then that the storms in his eyes had not been anger, but passion. The shithead had been gearing himself up for something like that, and I was now learning a lesson in how I didn't know him as well as I thought I did.
"I do like you," he hissed at me, giving me a little shake. "And I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry that I didn't show it very well, and I'm sorry that I didn't realize it sooner. You drive me crazy, in good and bad ways, but I never stopped wanting to be around you."
"This seems like an appropriate time to bring up that you ended shit the other night," I pointed out. Sure, I definitely appreciated his more straightforward, if aggressive, way of handling things, but that didn't mean I was going to ignore the problems I had in the face of him doing something I liked.
He sighed, looking down at our feet as his fingers flexed against my arms. "I-I don't know, okay? That night, you...you took me out and made sure I was taken care of by the staff, and you made sure I could feel special without you doing it, and you gave me space to enjoy it. Then I got jealous, which just confused me, and I'm not good at being confused, okay? And being with you has been confusing from the start because?—"
"Because you were straight?"
"No, well...yeah, at first. But Kayden is right, it wasn't really about that, it was the fact that it was you and?—"
"Wait, Kayden knows? Wait, Micah said it in front of him too, huh?"
"Yeah, but Kayden already knew."
"Hmm, that had to be a fun conversation for you."
"He told me I was being an asshole, and that even though you're an asshole too, you didn't deserve me being a dick to you."
"There's a lot wrapped up in a couple of assholes and one dick."
"If you make a threesome joke."
"Huh, you do know me."
"Someone only needs to know you for five minutes to know you'd make a stupid joke like that."
"That's fair. Now, uh, as much as I'm loving this conversation and want it to continue, and I love this...version of PDA, could you by chance let me go? You look like you're either about to fight me or have a breakdown."
He blinked and released me with a nervous laugh. "Kind of feeling like I'm doing both."
I adjusted my shirt with a snort. “It's not either. It's called having an open conversation and feeling your feelings. I'm sure it feels like a fight and a breakdown to you, but... Actually, I’ll stop there. Should have stopped before the second sentence, actually, because I don't want to be a dick."
Jace cocked his head. “I...thank you."
"Geez, you really are having a moment if you're thanking me for that."
"Or you could go fuck yourself, I was just admitting that I appreciated you trying to play nicer."
"Alright, alright," I said, holding up my hands in an obvious gesture. "You're right. It's been a rough couple of days all around. Let's not make it worse by letting it get to us."
Jace took a breath, nodding as he ran a hand through his hair. "I just... Look, I don't know what I want from...us, okay? You're wrong if you think I don't like you, and… I know, I know! I didn't do a good job of showing it, and I should have said something before. I've been so caught up in how weird the whole thing is, and trying to let go of all the shit about you thatpisses me off, but now sometimes doesn't piss me off like it did, but other things piss me off, and...it's a lot. I know I've got a bad temper, and I'm grumpy, and that I'm a lot to put up with because I drag things down."
