Page 63 of Miss Whittier Makes a List
By the unstable tight of the swaying lamp, she opened the pages and spread them out. Her heart stopped in her breast as she stared at the salutation.“Daniel,what has thee done?”she whispered. She held thelettercloser, reading out loud.
“Beloved,”she began, her lips scarcely able toformthe word.“If I know you as well as I think I do, you are somewhere in the middle of theAtlanticright now, and you have deliberated for some weeks on whether to read this.”
She looked up from the words. Daniel, thee knows me too well. She looked back at the letter and continued.“Of course, any other woman would have thrown this overboard. Hannah, I am relying upon the fact that you are not like any other woman.”
Of course I am not, she thought, a wooden smile on her lips. Any other woman would not have flung herself so trustingly at thee. Any other woman would have known better than to believe thee. Put it down to my youth.
“My conduct last night was inexcusable,”she continued,and nodded in agreement,“but if it had not been dark I could not have said such hurtful things to you. You would have known I did not mean them.”She paused again, feeling an odd buoyancy that bumped against the wall of pain that had formed around herheart. She pulled the letter closer to her eyes, wishing that the sea would be still for a moment so the lamp would stop swaying.
“As I went about refitting theClarioninPortsmouth, you were never far from my thoughts.In fact, you consumed me.It’s hard to argue with a harbor master over kegs of salt beef when all you want to do is hurry home and make ferociouslove to the woman there.”
“Daniel,”she said out loud. Her handsstartedto shake and she could not read the words until she composed herself.“My dilemma is this,beloved. I began to think about your list again, especially that partthat seems to be causing us such grief right now. Do I need to write it?He will place mywelfare above his own.”
Why did I ever tell him about that? she asked herself for the thousandth time. Why did I ever think that I could list the qualities of the man I would marry? Was I so stupid once? She returned to the letter.
“Late one night, when I should have been reconciling the ship’s manifest, it occurred to me that you had created, with that single, innocent stipulation,a dreadful conundrum. It is this: if you place my welfare above your own, you will marry me, because I need you so badly. But if I place your welfare above my own, I will notmarryyou.”
“My God!”The words were tornfrom her lips as she leaped to her feet and threw the letter across the cabin. Just as quickly she dropped to her hands and knees to retrieve it, sitting on the deck because her legs had not the strength to help her rise.
I belong to the most suicidal of professions, even in peacetime,”she read.“You know, as few women do, how doubly dangerous it is during war. I’ve already outlived the normal life span of a man so long at sea. Every voyage now is like fluttering a red flag in the path of death. I cannot be so callous with yourheart, my love. It is because I love you so much that I cannotmarryyou. I have truly placed your welfare before my own, and this, I believe, is what any woman needs.”
“Then I was a fool, Daniel,”she whispered.“Why can’t thee be selfish, like other men?”
She dragged her eyes back to the page.“I hope you willmarrysomeone else, Hannah,”she read.“Whatever you do, and wherever the years take you, please know there was a man who loved you too much to marry you. Yours, now and always, Daniel.”
Hannah sat where she was, far beyond tears.“Thee has met the only stipulation that matters,”she said, staring down at theletter,“and look what it has done to us!”
TheBonny Jeandocked in Boston’s crowded harbor a month later, in the middle of asnowstorm. She allowed Captain Trask to escort her toCharlestonto the house of her uncle, who stared at her as though she had risen from the dead, and then held her in a tight embrace.“My brother will be so pleased thee came to thy senses and did not remain inEngland,”he said when he could speak. She was up most of the night,telling them the story of theDissuade,the fight with theBergeron,and her narrow escape from matrimony. She had not the strength to tell the whole story; that uld keep for Mama’s ears alone.
In the morning, in a thicker cloak, and with afootwarmerat her toes, she kissed theWhittiersgoodbye and went on toNantucket,where she arrived as night was falling. She was thefirst person off the ferry and had to be reminded to return and retrieve her dressingcase. She smiled her thanks to the ferryman,crossed the gangplank,and found herself onfirm ground again. Where I will stay,she told herself,ignoring the pain that washed over her because she wasusedto it now.
She thought she would remain unnoticed as she hurried through the snow toward Orange Street, but one man on horseback—was it the postmaster?—recognized her and spurred his horse ahead. When she turned onto her street, Mama was running from the front door, herarmsopen wide, Papa right behind. With a cry of her own, she dropped her dressing case and was swallowed up in their embrace.
She was too tired to tellthe story all over again, but she did, tucked up in her own under the eaves with Mama holding her hand, and Papa seated close by on a stool.“He broke the engagement, so I came home,”she concluded, looking at her father. She knew better than to look at Mama, who would know there was more, much more, to the story. Papa was content that she had come to her senses.Trust him, by the end of the month, to set forth any number of ideas on a more suitable husband, she thought as she watched the relief settle over his features.
“My little daughter has returned,”he said and kissed her cheek.“Mama, let us leave her alone to sleep now.”He touched her under the chin, in a familiar gesture from herchildhood.“Thinkhow many people will want to hear this story again!”
She sighed.“Is Adam Winslow about?”
Papa shook his head.“He is in theCaribbeanserving as number one on his uncle’s brig.”He rubbed his chin.“Whatever deficiencies Captain Spark may have as a lover, he certainly taught Adam seamanship! I think if you send Hosea a letter, he will see that Adam gets it when they returnfromBarbados.”
“I will do it tomorrow.”
Mama kissed her fingers, but did not let go of her hand.“Thee will do it when thee feels like it.”She looked up at her husband.“My dear, I will be along in a moment.”
He left them then, closing the door quietly. Hannah stared straight ahead until Mama took her by the chin and gently turned her face toward the light.
“I do not believe for a single instant that what thee has told us any resemblance to the actual facts,”she said, her voice soft, her eyes concerned.“Adam told us how much the captain loves thee.What has happened? Can thee tell me?”
Hannah shook her head.“It can wait until morning, Mama.”She down in the bed and closed her eyes.“I am not going anywhere.”
When Papa leftfor the store in the morning to sell a little merchandise and spread the news of her return among all his customers, Mama climbed the stairs to Hannah’s bedroom and refused to leave until Hannah had poured out her whole misery into her lap. Mama’s fingers shook, too, as she read Daniel Spark’s letter. A thoughtful look on her face, she set it aside and took herself to the window.
“Thee must write tohim,Hannah. Thee must tell himfont>….”
“Tell him what, Mama?”Hannah interrupted.“That I cannot live without him? I was willing to give up everything I hold dear for him, and it was not enough. No, Mama, I will not write to him. I will forget him.”
“Can thee?”Mama asked. Ido not think thee can.”
