Page 64 of Miss Whittier Makes a List
“I have to,”Hannah replied.
Mama looked at her for a long moment, then kissed her.“Very well, Hannah. Thee can try.”
She did try,and it was a wonderful act that fooled almost everyone. Hannah made herself eat, but it all tasted the same. By sheer force of will she put on weight until her clothes fit again. While Mama was pleased by this outward sign of recovery,she was not content,and told her so one snowy day in January while they kneaded bread on the kitchen table.“Hannah, thee could almost pull off this deception but for one thing,”she mentioned casually as Hannah greased the bread pans and stared out the window at the icicles that hung just above the ground.
“Thee said something?”Hannah asked, and then realized that her mother had caught her.
“Precisely, my dear. Thee hearsnot above one word in ten, and iftheedoes not go to the east window to stand allevening tonight, as thee has done since returning, I willbeamazed!”
Hannah said nothing.
“Why the east window, my dear?”Mama asked.‘The view is nothing but Godspeed Wilkins’front door.”
Hannah set down the bread pan.“Because it faces towardEngland. And if Iturna little south, then I can imagine Daniel cruising offFranceorSpain. I know it is cold on the blockade. I hope he is warmly dressed.”Her voice was breathless, as though she disclosed too much for her own comfort. Without another word, she lifted her cloak from the hook by the back door and let herself out into the snowy afternoon. She walked to the end of the kitchen garden, ragged now, snow-covered, empty of fruit, bereft of yield. Almost like me, she thought as she stared at the empty cornstalks and listened to them crackle against each other. If thee had married me, Daniel, I would probably be carrying thy child by now. I would have taken such care of this evidence of thy love, and when thee returned from the blockade, we would have such joy.
She smiled bleakly to herself. Andnow I talk to cornstalks, and stare out east windows, and ignore Mama’s conversation. I wish spring would come. Perhaps Hosea will want me to come toCharlestonthis year. I could help with the little one, and perhaps the sailmaker is still single. But this time I will travel overland toCharleston, and not by water. Never by water again. And ifI am truly careful, whoever I marry will never know how much I ache inside. Only Mama will know.
It was useless to pretend to Mama now, so she dropped all her attempts. If it caused Papa pain to see her stand by the window night after night, or shake her head overfoodthat held no interest for her, she was sorry, but it could not be helped. She worked in the kitchen in silence, and watched the icicles gradually grow shorter. Then the day came when they dripped steadily, and disappeared. Spring was here.
“Papa, I would like to go to Charleston,”she announced over dinner one night when the sky was still light with spring, and the front door open to the smell of lilacs all overNantucket.“Can thee book me passage on a mail coach?”
“Of course I can, Daughter,”he said, his face lighting up with love for her, and anxiety that went deeper than concern.“You mean to visit Hosea?”
She nodded and smiled.“I think I am overdue there, and I did promise his wife that I would help with the baby.”
“It seems so long ago,”he said, his voice wistful.
“It is so long ago,”she agreed.“But I am not dead to duty, Papa! I still should get toCharleston.”
When she left the next week, Mama clung to her longer than usual as she kissed her goodbye. Hannah laughed and tried to pull away from the strength of her mother’s embrace.“I will be back!”
“I do not think I will see thee soon,”Mama said, and her lipstrembled.“But if I do not, please know I love thee and all thy decisions. God keep thee, Hannah Whittier.”
It gave her food for thought as the mail coach rolled through the spring morning toward Boston, and something tothinkabout beside Daniel Spark for a change. I must write Papa and tell him to keep an eye on Mama, she resolved.
BostonbecameNew York, and thenNew Jersey, and thenPennsylvaniaas April slipped into May as they traveled south. The road was terrible in places, and merely dreadful in others, necessitating frequent layovers that stretched the limits of everyone’s equanimity except Hannah’s. Each day was much like the next to her,she reflected as she watched the other riders so impatient over delays. I am going nowhere to see no one, really, so what is another day ontheroad?
Virginiabloomed with dogwood and hawthorn. She breathed deep of the scented air and feltpeacesettle over her for a moment.It went away quickly enough,but it was nice to know she could feel something still.
They rolled intoRichmondfor the noon meal, and the food was better than usual. No matter how good the food,she did not dawdle over it. A veteran of the coach by now, she was first back to the coach so she could claim a seat by the window. She looked out with interest, wishing she knew which house belonged to John Marshall, Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, and one of Papa’s heroes. And was that the spire toSt. John’sChurch, where Patrick Henry had spoken of liberty or death?
“Pardon me, Lady Amber, but is this seat taken?’
Her heart stopped, then started again. She continued to stare out the window, but she wasn’t seeing anything this time. Her breath came in little gasps and she felt herself getting light in the head.
“The last time you did that you were watching a flogging, and I distinctly remember pushing your head between your knees, Hannah. I’ll do it again if I have to.”
“Say my name again,”she said, her voice almost inaudible to her ears.
“Hannah.”It was a caress.
Sheturned from her stare out the window to see Daniel Spark smiling down at her. He took off his hat, an elegant low-crowned beaver hat, and waited for her response.
“Pl-Please sit down,”she stammered.“I know there are others, but I am sure there will be room for ....”Her voice trailed off as she stared at him.
“Excellent!”He sat next to her and tapped on the side of the coach with his walking stick. She heard the whip crack as the coach sprang forward.
Hannah half rose in her seat to look out the window.“But ... the others!”she exclaimed.
