Page 72 of Shadows of the Past
"Por el amor de Dios, Max," I hear, but don't register it until she surges upward, closing the space between us, devouring my mouth with hers.
I’m suddenly inside her and I can’t stop the moan that escapes me. All I want is for the moment to last forever, for the noise of reality to fade away, to silence the relentless voices in my head. The only sound that penetrates my skull is hers, something between a moan and a gasp that instantly becomes my new favorite song.
I've never made love to anyone before. But if I had to guess what it feels like, this is it.
As I start to move, I watch her features contort with pleasure, memorizing the rhythm that makes her eyes flutter closed. Because this—her so relaxed, the gentle curve of her parted lips, the small, guttural sounds she can't suppress—this is my definition of heaven.
My hand finds the sharp curve of her hip, fingers digging in, gripping her hard enough to leave marks.I need to.I need to imprint myself onto her skin, brand her flesh as mine just as she’s branded my soul. Because it’s not just desire, not just lust. It’s a desperate, primal need to possess, to anchor myself to her.
I know it, feel it down to the marrow of my bones, that this woman isn't just someone I want. She’s a living entity woven into my very being, a fever in my bloodstream I can't sweat out, an invisible ink staining my skin, permanent and essential. She is part of me now, inseparable, and I’ll tear down the world before I let anything take her away.
My teeth clench against a groan threatening to rip free. It's almost painful, this perfect friction, this velvet steel clenching around me, reminding me with every pulse that this is real.
Her thighs begin to tremble, her grip tightening around me, and I close my eyes, trying to hold on, to prolong the moment…just a little longer. When her nails dig into my skin, her back arching off the mattress, I know her orgasm is about to shatter through her.
I let go, a sound ripping from my throat, more growl than anything human. For a split second, I swear I see white. My hips continue to move instinctively, riding the last echoes of pleasure, when I hear her whisper, her voice thick with disbelief.
"Two years. We could have been doing this for two years, and we just slept beside each other? Pfff, how stupid are we?"
And then a soft laugh, the kind of unburdened, spontaneous laugh I’ve only ever heard her offer Akim, fills the room, and the words I never thought I'd be able to say again catch painfully in my throat.
I feel her muscles continuing to clench around me, milking every last drop of pleasure. Still hard inside her, I can only manage, “Well, I guess we have some catching up to do then,” before stealing a kiss from the corner of her mouth.
?
After long minutes of just lying there, tangled together, her head nestled at the base of my neck, I begin to tell her the story that marked every pore of my existence, the ghost that still haunts me.
"We were supposed to escape that night. Well, we were supposed to escape lots of nights, but then…the stars aligned. We had a lull in the guard rotation, knew the route, had some money hidden in a bag. Of course, fate decided I didn't deserveit. When they caught Vera, they gave me a choice: pull the trigger, or they’d hand her over to every man with a pulse in this house."
It's probably just my imagination, but the scent of chamomile seems to fill the room, a silent signal that Vera wants me to continue.
Julia breathes slowly, tracing delicate patterns across my abdomen, giving me space to find the words.
"In a moment of pure selfishness, I wanted to tell them no. I knew what it meant for her, but the thought of not having her in my life the next day…it was inconceivable. Until I saw her eyes."
The memory flashes, those pleading, tear-filled eyes, and I struggle to breathe through the familiar vise of pain that always tightens around my chest when I talk about her.
Julia remains silent, just listening. I close my eyes for a second, a fresh wave of guilt washing over me.
Maybe you really did send me someone who would choose this hell to be with me…
"She was broken," I whisper, my voice hoarse, thick with self-loathing, even after all these years. "Exposed, devoid of any spark, any fight left. And then I knew, even if I refused, I'd already lost her. So I freed her the only way I could. And there’s not a single second that goes by when I don’t wish it had been me who took that bullet instead."
A tremor runs through Julia, and she raises her head, her eyes searching mine. "She never would have wanted that."
“Maybe. But I still failed her. Maybe if I’d gotten her out of that house sooner, maybe if I'd chosen a different day, maybe…too many what-ifs."
"Hey," she murmurs, her breath warm against my skin, her eyes finding mine in the dim light. "I know for sure, if Vera loved you even a fraction as much as I do, she wouldn't want you carrying this weight. She'd want you to take all that pain and turn it into rage, use it to burn down the hell that took her, too."
The words hang in the air, heavy and raw. Then, I see the realization flicker across her face. What she just said.I love you.
She's the first person to ever utter those words to me. And God, she's the only one who deserves to hear them back, deserves the universe laid at her feet. But my throat closes up, the syllables turning to dust, refusing to form. A goddamn wasteland where the most vital words should be.
It's not because I don't feel it. Christ, I feel it so intensely it threatens to shatter me from the inside out. And it's damn sure not because she doesn't deserve it. It's because I'm not worthy. Not worthy to speak them, to taint them with the darkness clinging to my soul.
Not until this is over. Not until I've finished what I started, destroyed Ivan, and gotten her safely back to her family, back to the life she was meant to have, far away from this suffocating nightmare.
And she knows. I see the understanding soften her expression as she studies me, a warm, impossibly gentle smile blooming on her face. It steals the air right out of my lungs.
