Page 100 of Every Good Thing
“It’s an exciting place. I get it. But better together, right?”
I bop her nose, and her domed head bobs while she giggles. She tumbles into my arms for a reassuring hug I’m happy to give.
“There you guys are! You lost me!” Dot squeezes through the crowd.
“See?” I smirk at Ruthie, and she giggles.
Jaye rises from her seat, kissing Dot’s cheek. “Wow, you look amazing.”
Dot’s blushing face rivals the bloody designs on Jaye’s graphic novel covers. She cuts me a glance, making sure I saw that. I give her an I-told-you-so grin. Jaye smooths her slinky black one-piece as she returns to her seat and picks up her Sharpie.
“Hang out with me?” she asks Dot, who then stands, sentry-like, behind her.
Signing her next book, Jaye catches Ruthie’s eye and motions left. “Look who I found, Ruthie.”
Yards away, positioned against the wall, stands Ben. It’s a surprise to see him—he lists his shifts on the family calendar, but never where he’s assigned.
His eyes dart between us and the crowd. He looks stiff and alert, though he’s sporting his more casual class-B uniform. A quick wave in our direction has Ruthie rushing from my arms again straight into his. He leans down, admiring the homemade Toadette costume they made together last Halloween from felt and craft foam. That’s when I learned that Ben can sew.
“Hi,” I say unsurely. “I didn’t know you’d be here.”
“I knew you’d be.” He holds up his phone. “Family calendar.”
My brief smile fades fast. Things have only gotten worse between us.
I cried myself to sleep that night after learning what happened between him and Lauren. I felt—still feel—his devastation in my soul. I can’t imagine what it would’ve been like—suffering from trauma and heartbreak at once.
Now, I understand why he was nervous about me seeing him for the first time. He’d almost methodically worked up to it—first telling me about the IED, then his concerns about his hearing and his future, and even giving me a heads-up about his scars before I saw them. Ben needed me to know what I was getting into so I wouldn’t hurt him like she did. Oh, Ben.
I hate that he thinks I’ll pull a Lauren (that’s my mental phrase for it now) one day, but I understand his fears. It’s just like me when I didn’t believe he could truly love me until shit happened and my trust grew. It should be a milestone for us—his beautiful vulnerability.
But Ben has a real problem with vulnerability. He’s embarrassed, angry, and avoidant. He doesn’t want me to see him like this, the same way I felt ashamed of my roof leaks, unemployment, panic attacks, sudden onset crying, and scrounging for money in couch cushions five years ago. It’s his turn for a shitstorm, and he’s struggling to hold onto his umbrella—me.
That night, I didn’t harp on it or ask questions. I only thanked him for telling me and reiterated how much I love him. Simple. Easy. No pressure.
Even so, the last few days haze together like a weird nightmare.
Waking up to a cold, half-made bed the morning after he opened up to me.
Him telling Dr. Reese that he needs to be seen alone.
Ben keeping his distance like I’m the new fucking Covid. An irony since the pandemic brought us together.
I’ve tried to be there for him in the gentlest way, but he’s not ready yet.
Knowing we’d be here, it’s a wonder he accepted this assignment. Our interactions have been reduced to run-ins at the coffeemaker and brief family dinners that’d be quiet if not for Ruthie. Like I told Dr. Reese, I no longer know what to do. A feeling she validated when she advised patience.
Now, he holds Ruthie’s attention. “Mom’s right about not running off. It’s unsafe and inconsiderate.”
She nods. “Sorry, Dad.”
His attention returns to me, and there’s a smile there like he’s happy to see me.
My return smile twinges with concern when I notice his shaded green eyes. “Feeling okay?”
He rubs the scarred side of his forehead. “I have a meal break soon. Maybe we could—”
Ben’s eyes turn stony at something over my shoulder. Before I can ask what’s wrong, his hand wraps my waist, pushing me aside. “Stay behind me.”
