Page 123 of Every Good Thing
That makes her my hero because it’s so unlike me. The last five years, I’ve put up a good front for her, but the truth is, hard times bring me to my fucking knees.
This moment is a good example.
“We’re both devastated,” I say after a pause.
“But you’re causing the devastation. Is it the seven-year-itch come early? A mid-life crisis thing? What’s the meaning of all this, huh? I’ve never seen Lena so broken, and I was there after her mom died… with her excessive wine boxes lining the counter and mice running over the floor. For goodness’ sake, Benjamin Alexander Wright, the other day, Jack caught her bawling her fanny off on a tree stump—not sitting on the stump, leaning against it on the ground, like she done fell out. She didn’t even stop when he approached her, like a wild animal in a fit. Is that what you want for her? Feral tree stump crying in the woods?”
I take a breath, unhappy with this information.
“No. I don’t. But it’s temporary—”
“Temporary? Do you know Lena? If crying were an Olympic sport—”
“It’s… none of your business, Alice.”
“Lena is my business. So are you. I’m worried about her, and if you have any heart, young man, you would be, too. She can’t take much more of this.”
“I know. But she seemed fine today,” I say, though it’s untrue. She put on a face. That’s what she does. Ruthie revealed that she’s having nightmares again. Her hurt and disappointment are wrecking me. “It’ll pass.”
“She’s far from fine, and you know it. Look, Ben,” Alice says. “Tell me how we can help. Whatever you’re going through—”
“Take care of Lena,” I say quickly before telling her I must go and hang up.
A cleansing breath alleviates some irritation. It’s not the first time Alice has called. I’ve also received numerous calls and texts from Dot, Cherry, Jack Harvey, Mr. Wickers, Jack Graham, Mrs. Moore, and Lena’s brother, Lucas.
Everyone thinks they have a say in us, but no one gets it. Pressure mounts from all sides. I need to breathe again.
To disappear.
As the sun vanishes, the streetlights blink to life, and I take in Lauren’s house. I glimpse her moving across the front room window, preparing for my arrival. I take another breath, my anxiety rising.
Lena thinks I’m pulling the fire alarm on us—an accurate assessment. But it’s what I must do, if only to end her obligation to me.
“Are you telling me you left her because you love her?” Dr. Reese asked during our last private session. “You understand the faulty logic there, right, Ben? Why deliberately hurt someone you care so much about?”
“Because I don’t want to keep hurting her. She deserves better.”
“Better than you? She’d disagree… and isn’t that what she once said to you?”
“Yes. This is different. Lena could improve her circumstances. I can’t. I don’t want to be her burden.”
“Burdens are unwanted, Ben. Lena wants you, no matter what your hearing number is.” She leaned forward and stared me down so her words would resonate. “Lena will never do to you what Lauren did.”
My throat constricted uncomfortably. I shook my head at Dr. Reese. “I know. I won’t let her.”
“Martyring your marriage won’t change your hearing loss. It’ll make it harder and hurt everyone involved.”
“Only in the short term.”
“That’s erroneous, too. You think her heartbreak will be easy for her to get over?”
“No, but being angry will help.”
I shut my eyes, ending the memory.
Once it’s done, it’s done. This will end our unbearable limbo. Tasks will fall into place after tonight. Me officially moving out and starting procedures—all before the inevitable bullshit happens with my hearing. Lena will stop hoping for us; her anger will subside into resignation and even contentment when, six or so months from now, she realizes that she dodged a fucking bullet. It’s hard enough to communicate now. When we’re reduced to sign language only, it’ll be harder. Combined with the appointments and adjustments—it’s better not to put her through it.
I can’t handle the pressure, anyway. I want to be the man before the IED. Before my life fucking exploded. But since I can’t, I’ll get small and disappear.
