Page 85 of King of Pain
He shakes his head against my shoulder, his fingers gripping my shirt. “I just—fuck, Ant—”
I pull back slightly, just enough to look him in the eyes, and attempt to lighten the mood. “Besides, I’m the one who’s supposed to be bawling right now. This ismytrauma dump.”
A shaky laugh bursts from him, and the tension in his shoulders finally loosens.
We start walking again, slower this time, side by side. Walking along the shore of an ocean of emotions, waves of security crashing around me, I don’t think—I justact.As natural as breathing, I reach down between us, take his hand, and link our fingers together.
It’s a small thing.
But for me, it feelshuge.
Chance glances down at our joined hands, then back up at me, his expression unreadable.
“My heart, Beautiful,” he murmurs.
“What about it?” I ask softly.
“I may have been born with it beating in my chest,” he says, thumb grazing over my knuckles, “but it never really belonged to me.”
And then, softly, gently, he lifts our joined hands to his lips and presses the lightest kiss against my skin.
I feel that kisseverywhere.
It sparks something inside me. Something deep, somethingundeniable.
I think of my firsts. The ones that were taken. The ones I never got to choose.
“I’ve never been kissed.” I blurt out.
Chance stops abruptly, dropping my hand.
His mouth opens, then closes, then opens again. “I’m sorry, I’m gonna need you to repeat that.Slowly.”
A nervous laugh escapes me. “I’ve, uh… never been kissed.”
His stare sears into me, disbelief flickering behind those electric blue eyes. “Are youseriousright now?”
I nod, clearing my throat. “What they did to me was everything you’d imagine… all the horrible things that happen in those situations. But of all the vile things they did,kissingwas never one of them.”
Chance’s whole body tenses.
I press forward.
“I’ve always been grateful they never did,” I tell him. “That it was the one thing they left for me to claim as my own.”
His gaze flickers to my lips, and yeah, Ireallywant him to look.
I sigh, pushing forward. “The problem is that the abuse left me confused about my sexuality. When puberty hit and I realized my eyes were tracking boys instead of girls, all those dark memories came flooding back. I convinced myself they had made that choiceforme. That they broke me.”
I take a deep breath. “And I was successful in mostly buryinganykind of attraction. That is… untilyouwalked intoDevil Records.”
Chance’s chest rises and falls noticeably, but I keep going.
“Thinking back, I’m pretty sure I realizedright thenthat yeah… I’m gay as fuck.”
Chance lets out a sharp, startled laugh, shaking his head. “Jesus, Ant.”
I smirk. “Or maybe I’m justChansexual.”
