Page 114 of Burning Ember
He blows out a breath, and mutters, “She’s never been able to handle her liquor. Which is fuckin’ crazy since she owns a bar and drinks like a lush.” He rubs his hands and studies them, but it takes him a while to speak again. “Did she tell you that we were together a few weeks ago?”
My eyes widen in surprise.
His eyes dart to my face and he laughs harshly. “I’m guessing that’s a no. Of course, she didn’t. Why would she if it didn’t mean shit to her?” He leans forward and rests his head in his hands.
I sit by him on the bed and rest a comforting hand on his back. The silence becomes another person in the room. Almost like Bethany’s here somehow. A ghost listening in.
He pushes out a deep breath. “She was finally lettin’ me back in to her life. We were startin’ fresh, lettin’ go of the shit from ages ago.”
“What happened?”
When he speaks, his voice is more hoarse than normal. “Cap . . . my dad . . . got shot.” He lets out an exhaustive sigh. “She got scared. Not only because someone was gunnin’ for Cap, but because I was supposed to take up the gavel. And she didn’t want her kids affected by blowback the club stirred up.”
“Take up the gavel?”
“Take up the president’s patch and all the responsibilities and shit that goes with it. It’d put a target on my back and anyone close to me.”
He’s quiet for a moment, and then continues. “I don’t blame her for lookin’ out for herself and the kids. She’s a good mom, always has been. And at first I got it, you know? But then I thought about how she was with Hodge for thirteen years. The only difference is he wasn’t as invested in the club as I am, or as I’d need to be if I decided to lead the club.”
He pulls on his hair again, his frustration brimming over. “So I stepped down. I thought it’d be enough to keep her and the kids out of harm’s way, and we could give this thing between us a real shot.”
He blows out a dark laugh under his breath. Letting go of his hair he turns his head to look at me, his blue-gray eyes as troubled as storm clouds. “It wasn’t enough. By then, she’d already put back up her wall, wouldn’t listen to a fuckin’ word I had to say.”
“It sounds like she’s just scared.”
Rising to his feet, he growls, “Yeah, she is . . . but I can protect her. Fuck. I’m not some fuck up. I’d never let anyone take what’s mine from me. Not if I’m still breathin’.”
His fists curl and uncurl. After about a minute of pacing the room, he grates out, “I walked away from my legacy for her. I let every one of my brothers look at me as if I’m a piece of shit. My father is dying and the thing he wanted more than anything was to see me follow in his footsteps and carry on his club. I stepped down for her and she tells me it’s not worth it. I’m not worth the risk.”
He slams his fist into the wall and the paint and plaster give way. “Well, fuck her. I put everything on the line. Why the fuck can’t she do the same?”
He searches my face as if I’ll have an answer. “I don’t know.”
His eyes blaze with emotion. “I’m done. I’m done waitin’ and holdin’ out. I’m movin’ the fuck on. The only way she’ll ever have me is if I turn in my patch and walk away. Leave the club, my family, this town, and this goddamn state.” He shakes his head. “I can’t do that. I’m not a deserter. I won’t walk away from everything that makes me who I am.”
He blows out a breath and some of the tension leaves his shoulders. “I’ve waited fourteen years for her to come back to me. Don’t you think that’s long enough? You think I need to keep waitin’? Or finally find someone that can love me back?”
I understand both sides. At the same time, I feel like if Bethany won’t let Dozer into her life then yes, he needs to find someone that can.
“You deserve to be happy. Honestly, I don’t know where I’d be right now if you hadn’t stuck up for me that first day.” Mustering up my courage, I say, “But that connection you have with Bethany. We don’t have that. There’s friendship and I think we’re both lonely, but that doesn’t mean we fit together.”
He chuckles low. “I’m not proposin’, babe. I just want to take you out and see if we can be good together. Where it goes from there is anyone’s guess.”
When I don’t respond, he says, “You don’t think what we have can grow into somethin’ else?” He studies me for a second.
I have questioned if what we have can grow into something more. He’s everything I used to want in a man, handsome, supportive, a hard worker, smart, and he has a great sense of humor. The list goes on and on. If there was chemistry between us, it wouldn’t even be a question. But it’s simply not there.
Where with Mav, it’s there in spades.
Why the hell does life have to be so complicated?
After what Dozer just told me, I don’t want to reject him again. He’s faced enough rejection over the last month. From Bethany. From his brothers. But I can’t keep leading him on.
I shift on the bed as my heart begins to race.
Come on, Em. Out with it.
“I kissed Mav.”
