Page 138 of Burning Ember
Three and a half months.
“I never saw the doctor before today,” I say in a somewhat shaky voice. Lily just told Dozer I had, because she wanted to buy me some time before . . .”
His hand stops. Confusion has his brows knitting together. “But I thought . . .” He closes his eyes. In a hoarse voice lined with pain, he asks, “You’re not on anything?” As his eyes open, I give a slight shake of my head, and fight the nerves beginning to rise under my skin.
Will he be upset with me or Lily, or both? Does he think I’d try to trap him? I know some girls do that, but that’s not what this was. I just . . . the last thing I was thinking about when he was a second away from entering me was protection.
His gaze leaves mine and goes down to my stomach. It stays there for almost a full minute. Mav doesn’t say anything when he pulls out of his trance. He simply cups my face and kisses me deeply. It feels like he’s saying goodbye. And if I’m being honest, it scares the shit out of me.
He lies down on the bed and pulls me to lie on his chest.
“I’ll talk to doc tomorrow about gettin’ you the mornin’ after pill, okay?”
I nod. “Mav, I didn’t plan this. I wouldn’t . . .”
“Shhh . . .” He rubs my back. “I know.”
He’s silent for a long time though. Then finally he says, “Doll . . . later . . . if you decide this is not where you want to be, and you’re carrying my child inside you when you do, you need to know I’m only gonna let you go so far.”
“Mav—”
“Any child of mine is gonna have me in their life. There is nothin’ you could do that would hurt me more than takin’ my own child away from me. That means even if you’re not ready to be a mom, you need to at least carry it to term so I can take care of him or her.”
The feeling behind his words causes my heart to ache and tears to burn in my throat. I know what it’s like to have a child taken away from you. And I would never . . . never do that to him.
I’m sure that having grown up without a real dad in his life, he’s doesn’t want his son or daughter to do the same. I respect him for that. The fact that he’s doesn’t merely want to be responsible, but be a big part of his child’s life makes my heart swell.
“I could never do that to you or my child. But I don’t think we should gamble like that again. This is so new.”
“I know. If I‘d known you weren’t on anything, I swear, Doll, I would have used a condom.” I look up at him. “I should have anyway.” His jaw muscle throbs, “I just didn’t want any more barriers between us. I really fuckin’ want to know all of you; every single thing including how it feels to take you bare. But I should’ve waited. I’m sorry.”
I shake my head and look away. “I’m not upset, just worried.”
“I’m clean. I’ve always used protection. And the doc tests everyone at the club regularly.”
I cringe and relive for a few seconds all of the times Warner took me without protection. Drawing in a steadying breath, I tell him, “My ex . . . he didn’t use anything and I don’t know if he was . . .”
“Hey . . . hey.” He tips my chin up. “This is my fault. We’ll see the doc tomorrow and get tested. If there’s a problem, it’s on me. Okay? Not you.”
“It’s not all on you, Mav. I should have said something.”
He pushes my hair away from my eyes. “No. I swore to myself I wouldn’t push you into anything. But I still did.” His arms wrap around me and hold me tightly. His fingers begin to stoke up and down my spine. “I’ve just never wanted to be this close to another woman. Not since . . .”Dana.“And feeling you come around me is the single most sexiest thing I’ve ever seen or felt in my life.”
A few minutes later, when I get cold, we move beneath the covers and every so often, he kisses the top of my head. Each time it feels like he’s breathing me in. His hands roam. Over my back. My ass. He hikes one of my thighs up and pulls it over his. All the while, his fingers travel over me and knead my skin.
I reread the inked words on his chest, and trace them again with my finger.He discovers deep things out of the darkness and brings out to light the shadow of death. ~ Job 12:22.
“What does it mean, your tattoo?”
I look up and see his eyes are closed. He opens them and lifts up a little to look down at it for a second then drops back to his pillow.
“The meaning changes for me. I got it originally because I discovered a completely different side of myself when I stopped livin’ according to Paul’s rules. I was slowly dyin’ in that house with him and my mother. I was so lost in what they wanted me to be, that I didn’t even know who I was. When I left, I started livin’ by my own rules and eventually I found some meaning to life. I also found a place to belong and brothers . . . even though I grew up with none.”
I try to understand what he’s saying and feel what he felt when he got the tattoo.
For him living in the light and being someone he wasn’t was killing him. He found himself and his way in the dark.
His hand finds mine and starts to play with my fingers. He murmurs, “I love your hands, Doll. They’re so small, but so strong.”
