Page 129 of Lost Lyrebird
“Look.It’s not about you,” I say as earnestly as possible.“I just want to live a little, and I’m not ready to get tied down to any man.So don’t torture yourself over my decisions, even if you don’t understand them.”
His gaze studies my face for a long time, then his grip loosens, and he drops my arm.For a moment, I think maybe—just maybe—he’ll listen.But he exhales in a huff and shakes his head.Then he fixes his belt.He grabs his shirt and cut, and turns, strides out of the room, leaving me shocked as hell in his wake.
I quickly dress and follow him, making it into the lounge room in time to see him pocket the pills.
He gives me one long last look.“Don’t let what I do stop you from having a good time.”
It feels like a swift kick to the gut, those words, and the sickness in my stomach mounts as I watch him leave the clubhouse.My chest aches fiercely with the need to go after him.The shame, anger, and guilt are paralyzing.It all blurs together.I want to scream at him and tell him he does matter, that he’s always mattered.In all the years, it’s only ever been him.That the knowing without knowing is real.But those words will be his demise, not his salvation.
A few days after the incident with Goose, I meet up with Raven for lunch.We order appetizers and drinks—iced tea for her and pink lemonade for me—before Raven gets straight to the point.
“He’s not okay, Lily.”Raven has leaned forward so as to keep this conversation private from the other patrons of the restaurant.She looks impeccable in a short nude dress with matching pumps, but her expression is pinched, and there are dark circles under her eyes.Her fingers are cinched so tightly around her biceps that they dig into her skin.
“I know,” I reply, doing my best to brush it off like it isn’t tearing me apart to watch from afar.
I feel guilt as if it’s a toxic layer to my skin, and I can’t shake it or wash it off.Guilt as if I wrote him the prescription, poured the drink, or lit up the joint and passed it over to him.Sure, I can talk my way around it because these are his choices to make after all, but it doesn’t negate the fact that in some way, I feel directly responsible.
“He’s fading.I don’t know what he’s on, but it’s bad.I’m worried about him.Some days he doesn’t even call to let me know he’s not coming in.Others, he doesn’t pick up his phone when I call to check on him.That’s not like him.”
“What do you want me to do?I’m not sure how I can help.”The act is extremely difficult to pull off because inside, I’m shaking.
The way she stares me down with no words, only silence, speaks volumes.Finally, she takes a long inhale and asks, “Do you care for him?”
This has my hackles rising.“Of course I do.”More than she could ever know.
She grabs my hand, pulls me closer, and squeezes her fingers around mine.“I know you do, and that’s why I’m asking you this.Because if there is anyone who can get through to him, I think it’s you.It doesn’t make sense, and it doesn’t have to.Not to me or anyone else.But there’s something there between you.The more you push him away, the worse it gets, and the less I see of the real you.It’s like the fact that you both are denying it is only making it stronger and making you both act out in strange and, quite frankly, stupid ways.So yeah, I see it and I don’t give a fuck what it is as long as you try for me to see if you can help him.”
I fight the bile rising up behind my throat and the rock in the pit of my stomach.“What do you want me to do?”
“Just talk to him.Try to see if he’ll see a doctor.I know it’s a big ask.But I’m asking anyway.If not for Goose, do it for me, please.I love that damn man as if he’s my big brother.I don’t want to live in a world where he’s not showing up to prove to us all that there are still good men left on this planet.Because make no mistake, Lily, that’s what he is underneath all of this, this addiction that’s grabbed hold of him, and the pain that he has to live with daily.He’s a damn good fucking man.The best.Please see through it and find a way to reach him.”
She stares at me, fucking through me, and with her whole heart pouring right there through her eyes, I can’t deny her.”
Nodding, I say, “Okay, I’ll talk to him.I’m not sure if it will do any good, but I will at least try.”
Another squeeze.“Thank you.”
When I get back to my hotel, I sink down to the floor against the closed door and stay there for a long time as I fight the dread mounting inside of me.
Fuck.This man is going to be the death of me because my heart can’t stand to watch him fall.I can’t deny the love I still have for him.Through all the years.The hurt.The anger and frustration, it’s the love that overrides everything.
Ten fucking years and he’s still my everything.
So why the fuck am I putting everything before him?
Good fucking questions, Lily.You need to figure your shit out.
My mind drifts back to the day this all started and the first moment I laid eyes on Finn.
“You sure you want to do this, baby girl?”Destiny asks.There’s doubt and compassion in her eyes.“I got no choice.I leave, they’ll hurt my boy.But you, you could make a run for it.”She’s taken me under her wing, given me a crash course of how to make it on the streets, and though a part of me wants to do what she says, run like hell, the other part of me knows I have nowhere to run to.And that most likely I’ll end up dead if I try.
I don’t really have a choice anymore.The skin between my thumb and pointer finger is burned, and raised with blisters.A brand that tells me I’m no longer free to do as I please.From what I’ve heard, it’s nearly impossible to escape the Thirteen Devils once they’ve branded you as their property.
If I run, they’ll hunt me down.If I don’t deliver cash at the end of the night, I won’t just receive a backhand to the face this time, I’ll be beaten within an inch of my life.And I can already feel my skin itching.The ache for another hit is getting stronger with each second.If I leave now, the withdrawals will hit, and I know it will only be a matter of time before my body overrides my brain and demands I go back to the one man who’ll make it all stop.
Kandy spins around from where she’s standing by the curb.“Don’t be puttin’ crazy-ass thoughts in her head.Veno hears you been flappin’ your lips like that he’ll cut your fuckin’ tits off, mama.She’s his new money train now, whether she likes it or not.”
“Mind your own, puta.She’s sixteen.The girl’s got no fuckin’ business doin’ what we do.”
