Page 20 of Lost Lyrebird
He chuckles darkly.“What?It’s cute.”
“Shut up.Maybe it was once, but I’m not that girl anymore.And he’s definitely not that guy.”
“No?But you still care for him.He’s always beenThe Man…” He emphasizes this with sarcasm.
“Deeds,” I growl.
Another stretch of silence.I hear theclick, click, clickof his lighter as he flips it open and shut.He takes another deep drag on his cigarette.“He’s always been between us.”
My chest tightens.“What are you talking about?”
Click, click, click.
I expel a lengthy sigh and grit out, “Just say it.”
“It’s why you’d never let me in.Never let me be someone you could trust and lean on fully.And I get why—”
My pulse quickens.“You don’t think I trust you—”
“In a way, yeah.Mostly, but not fully.”
Twisting my fingers in the sheet, I clench the fabric tightly.“That’s insane.How can you honestly think that?”
“You never really gave us… fuck… you know, a shot.A real shot.We fucked.Became fuck buddies or whatever, but you shied away from anything more—acted like you didn’t notice when shit changed on my end—played dumb.Like you didn’t see the way I wanted you.”There’s a curtness he’s trying—and failing—to hide.
“Are you kidding me right now?Because the way I remember it, there was me, and there were all the other women you could never say no to.Every time I needed a break, you had some other girl in your lap or in your bed.That’s the reason we never became more.”
Silence hangs heavy on the line.Finally, his voice drops, almost too soft to hear.“Maybe at first, yeah.But not later.Not when we got close.”
“What?”
“At first, you were just out of a fucked-up situation.You wanted freedom and space, so I gave you that.I wanted you, but you didn’t want any man except for him.Fuck, it’s like you were looking over your shoulder every chance you got.Looking for him.I figured I’d never measure up unless I allowed you time to get over him.You were a flight risk, and I didn’t want to get attached until you weren’t.”
“Stop with the fucking bird references.You know I hate that.”A fresh wave of bitterness claws its way up my chest.Of all days to hash this out, of course, he wants to do this today.
He goes quiet.Finally, he sighs.“I figured time would change things.But all it did was let you close yourself off more.You hardened up.Like caring about anyone made you vulnerable, and you weren’t gonna let that happen.”
“Don’t act like you didn’t play a part in that.You crafted me into a chess piece—to turn the tides for the club and connect you to powerful people.”
“Maybe.But I wanted you strong.Strong enough to decide who was worthy of you.Strong enough to never need anyone.Powerful in your own right.Able to defend yourself and be self-sufficient.It wasn’t all about the club.”He pauses.“The other women were just to see if you’d care.To see if you’d react.I thought you’d speak up, but you didn’t.Because the real you was locked away, and the performer stepped forward.”
I close my eyes, the memories of some of my darkest days spiraling through my mind.“How can you say that?You act like I’ve been some emotionless doll.”
“No, not a doll.There were times I almost felt it.But it’s been years now, Lily, since I felt anything from behind that caged heart of yours.And I needed to know.”
“I care.I cared then.It bugged the fuck out of me, seeing you with those women who used you for status.”
He exhales on a long sigh, then chuckles, flicks his lighter again.The long pull he takes on his cigarette speaks volumes.Voice strained, he says, “But not because you wanted to be in their place?Or jealous they were trying to steal your man?”
“I was.At times.”
“You could’ve put an end to it, you know?Any word from you would’ve done it.”
“Deck.”
“Fuck.Just… when this needed to be done, I thought I’d know.”
“Know wh—”
