Page 27 of All In
Once I got home, I walked through the door to find my mom and dad fighting. That’s when I found out that he lost everything gambling in Vegas. He lost his job right before that and he never told my mom. Instead, he lied and told her he had to go to Vegas for a work conference. He thought that he could help us financially by winning big. So stupid. The opposite happened. It’s all gone. And this included not just my college tuition, but their entire life savings. All of it was gone, Sam. They almost lost the house. We were broke. And not just broke, but wildly in debt. My mom wasn’t working, so we had no money coming in. Except mine. And we both know how long it takes my dad to find work.
I felt so trapped. And you know me, Sam. You know I wasn’t about to abandon them. I felt like I had no choice. Even though I did.
I didn’t dare tell my parents, or you, what happened with Chad. In the blink of an eye, my life changed. In that moment, in my living room, after being assaulted by my boss, I had lost you. And you didn’t know it yet. The next day I went to work and lied to Chad. I told him after thinking about it, dating him was what I wanted and needed. Little did he know that there was no want. Only need. I needed the job.
I was so stupid for not telling you. But I was ashamed. I feltguilty, like maybe I was leading him on somehow and I didn’t want you to think that. And if I said something, I knew I would have to quit, and all I wanted was to save money for our life together. I could have gone to HR, but one of my workmates said that was pointless. Plus, he was my boss. He had all the power. And he made sure that I knew it.
Honestly, I thought he would take the hint and forget about it. But I was wrong. I am profoundly sorry for hurting you. There will never be enough apologies in the world to cover my remorse. Sometimes the guilt I feel is so overpowering, it’s hard to breathe.
But I need you to know that I was miserable. You’re probably wondering how I could do it. How could I be with Chad if I hated the whole situation so much? I don’t know how I did it. I was numb and dumb. I only knew that I had to put my parents first. I had to choose. You or my parents. It was an impossible choice.
Chad knew about you and me. He demanded I break up with you immediately. So, I did. I wanted so badly to see you on the sly, hoping it all would blow over. But that would have been cheating. And I loved and respected you too much to do that.
And you were right. He was there that night. He sat next to me and told me what to write in that letter. Those words you read that day were his, not mine.
Then, after that went down, he rarely left my side. He told me what to wear, who I could see and talk to, what I could eat. And with him being my boss, he controlled my schedule and my income. He owned me. And he told me as much. The final straw was six months later when he found your watch and then his fist found my face. That’s all I’m going to say about that part. I don’t want to talk about it. Sorry. I left the same day and he was served a protection order. I never felt braver in my whole life.
I am so ashamed of myself. I should have told you what happened. I should have stood up for myself. I should have seen the danger. I have a lot of regrets. The biggestbeing you.
I carefully place the letter back down on the table, needing a few more seconds to grasp what I read. I knew something wasn’t right with how everything went down that day.
Honestly, I don’t know who to be upset with. Maria, for not trusting me enough to tell me and giving us a chance to work as a team and figure out a solution. Or her dad, for being an idiot who always gambled too much and putting her in this position. But more than anything, my heart breaks for the only woman I love. I know one thing for sure: I better never cross paths with Chad. The thought of him laying a hand on her makes my nerve endings stand on edge. I’m fuming right now, and I need to do … something.
Before I continue reading, I walk to my closet and grab the box that contains Maria’s letter.The Chadstill sits on top. I walk straight to the kitchen sink, open the junk drawer, fish out a lighter, and I set it on fire. There is no way those man’s thoughts or desires will stay in my life. I watch the paper go up in flames, grateful that I will never read it again.
Once the ashes wash down the drain, I return to the couch and keep reading.
It took me a while to heal from everything. But I knew I needed to see you and explain. So I waited until the bruise was almost healed and I went to your apartment to try to win you back. I saw you with Jennifer and I thought I was too late. Seeing you with her broke me.
After that day, I buried myself in work. I got a job as a waitress and took every shift I could get. It was a nice distraction. Plus, there was school, which helped. And school is where I met Nate. I know you don’t want specifics about him or us, but I feel like I need to tell you some things. Especially after what happened on the dance floor. Nate and I have been together for a few months now. I like him; I do. He’s gorgeous and makes me feel special, but if I’m being honest with myself, I don’t love him. I think I could, though … someday.
Anyway, my dad was in and out of work during this time. Nate’s dad owns a huge manufacturing company. So he offered my dad a job. Nate’s dad took pity on my dad and gave him a really good-paying job that is low risk. My dad is comfortable there, helping with the maintenance on the building. He can work byhimself and at his own pace. It’s the kind of job he has always needed and wanted. It’s perfect for him.
My dad getting work didn’t help my parents’ relationship. Get this. They are getting a divorce, Sam! After everything, my dad is leaving my mom. The whole thing makes me so mad!
I really wish you were here to talk to me about this. But I guess a letter will do for now.
After Dexter’s last night, I realized something. How much I miss you and how much I miss talking to you. We didn’t talk much last night, but being with you again was amazing. Was it that way for you? I know that we can’t talk on the phone or see each other in person, but if you’re up for it, I would love to continue to write. Your letters were always one of my favorite things. When we were a couple, you weren’t just my boyfriend; you were also my best friend. And if I’m being honest, I have no friends. Those girls at the bar are Nate’s friends’ girlfriends. God, they are so fake, I can’t stand them honestly.
Can we write, Sam? Can we please be friends again? If I don’t hear from you, I’ll have my answer and I will accept that. Mostly, I wanted to give you the truth. After our time together, I owe you that.
I hope to hear from you soon. You can write to me at my old address. Nate won’t see them if that worries you at all. Take care, Sam.
Love,
Maria
P.S. If this isn’t Sam, shame on you.
This is a lot to take in. Out of nowhere, it feels like Maria has bulldozed herself back into my life. With only an envelope, a stamp, some ink, and lots of words. Words that I’m struggling to process.
She didn’t want to leave me.
Chad abused her.
She’s with preppy guy.
She misses me.
