Page 95 of All In
“Cara? Seriously?” she questions with disgust and now I’m defensive.
“Yes, Cara. We have history, and we reconnected recently.”
“Not recently, Sam. A year ago. That’s far from recent.” She crosses her arms over her chest. “Does she know that you and I have been texting, getting lunch together? Reconnecting?” She uses air quotes with that last word.
I shake my head no.
“Wow.” She lets out a sarcastic chuckle. “I never pegged you as a cheater,Sam.”
This makes my blood boil.
“I didn’t cheat on Cara. We were casual. She was seeing other people also. It was nothing serious until recently, which is why I’m doing this." I pause. "But let me ask you. How did it feel riding in that shiny red Vette? Or spending Chad’s money? You are the reason we are in this situation to begin with, Maria. You. Don’t forget that.”
The words vomit out of my mouth before I can stop them. And I regret them immediately because it looks like I just smacked her in the face. But honestly, that statement has been brewing inside of me for a while now. Ever since I readThe Chadon her doorstep. Add to that her obvious disdain for a woman she doesn’t even know … maybe it’s time we have this conversation.
Her breath catches, and I can feel the sharpness of my words cutting through her heart. “I can’t believe you just said that to me.” She turns to look out the window, and I see her wipe a stray tear from her cheek. She keeps her eyes fixed on the outside world as she continues. “I explained to you why that happened. You know how much I regret what I did to you.”
“Do I?”
Her head whips around, her green eyes narrow, now full of anger. They burrow into mine. “You should!” She yells as she points her finger at her chest. “Sam, I am full of so much regret over that decision that I am practically drowning in it!” Her hand is shaking now. “How can you not know that?!!”
“YOU BROKE US!” My raised voice reverberates through the small space, causing her to flinch. “You destroyed me! You destroyed us!”
“You think I don’t know that?!” The energy inside the car is palpable, surging and charging the more we scream at each other. “I BROKE MYSELF! Can’t you see that? My decision that day affected me just as much as it did you! And trust me, I understand.”
“You understand? How could you possibly understand how I felt—”
“Nate cheated on me.” She says it so matter of fact that my head whips back in shock. “For almost our whole marriage. So yeah, I understand what’s it like to be left and betrayed by someone you love.”
I really want to feel sorry for her. I do. But right now, I can’t. My anger and repressed hurt are getting in the way.
“We wouldn’t be in this situation if you had just TALKED TO ME! Brielle, Mason, and Mikey … they could have beenourkids!” I pound my chest. “We could have had a life, but you threw it away! Not once, but twice!”Finally,I am saying out loud what I have been holding in for years. Not writing it in a letter, an email, or a text. These are words I need for her to hear. I get my breathing under control before I continue. But she speaks before I have time to.
“Are you trying to hurt me? Is that what this is?” She adjusts herself in the seat as if she is trying to get away from me, though she has nowhere to go.
Is she right? Is that what I’m doing?She hurt me, so now I hurt her.
With her back pressed up against the car door, her chest is rising and falling from her labored breathing. If she could sink into the tan leather of the seat and disappear, I’m sure she would. “Hurt me, push me away, force me to run away so this is easier for you to end.” She points between the two of us. “Whatever this is? Or was.”
We both stare at each other, and she places her hand on her stomach. More than likely feeling as sick as I am over the turn this conversation has taken. “Maria, when you started talking about the past in your texts and when we would talk over lunch about maybe a future, my anxiety kicked in. I can’t take a chance on you hurting me again. There’s a trust issue, and I can’t allow myself to open back up to you. I’m sorry, I just can’t.”
“Hmm. Okay.” She nods in response, her hair gently swaying with the movement. Then her eyes lock onto mine as her jaw tenses. “I’m going to start by saying this. Howdareyou put the blame on me for this past year? I did nothing wrong. This is all you. I think we can both agree on that, can’t we?”
“Yes.” She’s right. All she did was show up and be herself. I can’t blame her for my shortcomings here. “I’m sorry.”
“You should be.” She’s biting the side of her lip. Something she does when she is really mad. Also, she’s picking her nails. “I know you blame me for everything. Maybe even Erica’s death.” The mention of Erica’s name makes me wince. “But I need for you to know how much I blame myself. Not a day goes by …”She’s out right crying now, and it takes her a second to catch her breath. I reach for her hand. She yanks it away.
“Maria …”
“No! Let me finish.” Her tear-filled eyes meet mine. “Not a day goes by that I don’t think about how the decisions I made affected us. Affected our future. Giving you that letter, marrying Nate, all of it haunts me. Hell, I ended up in not one but two abusive relationships because of it. Every day, Sam. I live, breathe, and sleep with regret.” She pauses, her eyes scanning the surroundings as she gathers her thoughts. “I may never be able to forgive myself. But in order for us to ever have a chance, I need for you to forgive me. To trust that I would never do that to you again. And it’s obvious you aren’t there yet.”
She’s not wrong. I haven’t let it go. I haven’t forgiven her.
And I don’t know if I ever will.
“You’re right,” I whisper back. Because it’s the truth.
She wipes her cheeks and turns her whole body away from me to leave, grabbing the door handle, but stops. She’s fiddling with something, but I can’t tell what. Without turning and with her back to me, she peers out the window, workers streaming into their jobs the only view. “I’m done asking for your forgiveness and trust, Sam.” She straightens her back as if saying this gives her the strength she needs to leave my car. “I wish you and Cara the best. Have a nice life.”
