Page 115 of A Conduit of Light
ThatIheld onto.
Itkept me sane most nights, though there were plentyI’dgone mad, delirious, finding myself climbing all those damn stairs to her room, sitting outside of it, facing her door.Theknowledge that she was near had been enough to keep me together for just one more night.
“I’mso sorry,” she whispered, her eyes a field of green clover that covered the forest floor. “Ishould not have left you that night.Ishould not have left this room without telling you whatIknew.”
“Don’tsay that.It’snot your fault.Iwas a young fool.Ithought only of myself and whatIwas desperate to keep.Ishould have been honest with you.Ishould have listened to what you were trying to say—recognized the pain on your face.”Ibrushed a hand across her forehead. “Instead,Ilistened to a manIknew was a monster.Heconvinced me to lie, convinced me that ifItold you, we would never defeat theBlightand it would eventually take you from me.Iwas so afraid of losing you,Karus, and he played off that fear.ButIlost you anyway.Andyou paid for it with years of your life…gone.”
Ipulled myself up, holding her hips over mine. “Idon’t deserve you.Ididn’t then, andIdon’t now.”
Hereyes swelled with tears as she cupped my cheek.
“IfIhad been there, maybe we would have destroyed it completely.IfI’dbeen there, maybe it wouldn’t have been too much for you.Icould’ve shared in your burden,Icould’ve—”
“Youcould havedied.JustlikeHeimlen.Forall his faults, he cared about you living to becomeBaron.Heknew the fight would claim his life, just as it would have claimed yours, just as it almost claimed mine.”Sheshook her head. “No.Don’tdo that to yourself.Maybeit wasn’t my fault, but it wasn’t yours, either.Wedon’t need to look for someone to blame, and if we do, we blame him.Hewas wrong in so many ways.Hehurt you, manipulated us both.Hetook advantage of your loneliness,Rev.HetookSylva’slife, he took thousands of others.”Hereyes turned dark and the anger there was raw.
Ibowed my head to her chest. “Foryears,Iwondered.Iwondered howIdidn’t see it—all the signs, all the manipulation.Iwas blinded by his charity.He’dgiven me somethingI’dnever had—a purpose to live, a father.Andthen he gave me you, andI…Ishould have wondered as you did.Ishouldhave seen that it didn’t add up, that theBlackFeverwas too convenient, too easy a way to get you here, butKarus,Ididn’t care.
“Iwatched you, you know.InHyrithia.Hesent me to learn about you, to see what ties you held, the relationships you clung to.Itfelt like…likeIwas watching my future take shape.Likebringing you here was going to be the greatest thing that ever happened to me, andIdidn’t care how you got here,Ijust wanted it to happen.Iwanted to introduce myself.Iwanted you to meet me, just a man visiting your city.Iwanted you to know me beforeIknew you’d hate me.”
Shelifted my head and placed her lips on mine with a kiss so sweet it hurt. “How—”Shecleared her throat. “Howdid you knowI’dhate you?”
“Ihad watched you enough to know that it was going to be a fight to get you to accept your training.Youhad a home, you had friends, a lover, a mother.Iknew you’d be angry.Iknew it would take time to get you to see why you were needed here.”
“Youknew aboutGeyrand?”
“Theguard?”Igrinned, kissing the tip of her nose. “Ofcourse,Idid.Iwatched him watching you.AndIsaw on more than one occasion how you touched him, teasing.Ifigured you two were…intimate.”
“Yes.Yes, we had been friends for years before…before we became that.”
“Well,Ifigured he was likely the most difficult obstacle to overcome.Ihad no way of knowing if you were in love with him or not.Ifyou were, the fight was going to be unwinnable.Thankfully, he didn’t seem to be what was holding you back.You’dhave mentioned him on occasion, but you never did.”
“Whatdid you tell them?Wheredo they thinkI’vebeen all this time?”Sherose from my lap, headed toward my wardrobe, rifling through the clothing there.Iadmired the view.
Istood and stretched, my body feeling more like my own again.
“Actually, that’s somethingIwas going to tell you before…”
Sheturned her head, pulling a shirt down from its wooden hanger. “Beforeyou became distracted?”
“I’malways distracted around you.”
Shesmirked, finding pants in a drawer and bringing them to me. “Theseshould work.”
Shepulled the shirt over my arms, tugging it over my chest, concentrating on the buttons. “So, what did you tell them?”
“Itold them you were dead.”
“What!”Shestopped, her mouth open in shock andIgrabbed her hands.
“Ihad no choice.Icouldn’t tell them you were here, training still.TheQueenand thePrincehad already asked to see you several times, and obviously,Icouldn’t let them do that.They’dhave seen how lost you were and would have tried to take you away.Andthat was not going to happen.”
“TheythinkI’m…dead?”
“Theydo.Itold them there was an accident, that you had taken on too much, had tried too hard to work a magic enhancement, and it took your life.ClairanniaandFiguerahagreed it was best to convince them of this lie.”
Shesniffed, her eyes glazing over as she worked at my buttons. “Ican’t believe they thinkI’mdead.Weneed to tell them.Allof them.Wehave to explain.”
“Wewill.Wewill right all of this.Ofcourse, we will.Later.”Ikissed her, pulling her face close to mine, loving her asIwas destined to do. “We’lltell the whole isle about what you did, if you want.Butfor right now?Fora little bit of time at least,Idon’t want to share you.Ijust want to keep you, hold you.Iwant to love you,Karus.CanIhave that?Justfor a little while?”
