Page 89 of A Conduit of Light
Icannot breathe,Icannot think.
Icannotlive.Ithurts too much.
Icannot.
Tearsare streaming down his face in little rivulets, and they drop from his chin whichIam surprised to find is covered in black hair.
Helooks a mess, standing before me in my room, in front of my friends and yet,Istill cannot move, or think, or be.
Hishands are stuffed inside his pockets and he stands straight—tall?TallerthanIremember?
No, it is just that his clothes are loose.Theyhang off his frame too much.Hiscream-colored shirt used to hug his arms, and his vest used to expand across his muscled chest as an adornment, not as a mere careless addition as it is now.
Westand there facing each other, andIbelieve we are the only two people in this world.
Werewe always?
Hiseyes are sad, a mournful blue, the hue of the sky before the sunlight fully leaves it.
Ishake my head.
“No,”Iwhisper.
Ipull my lips together tightly and bite down, hoping the pain will distract me from the utter agonyIfeel asIlook at him, standing in my doorway.
Hedoes not get to just stand there in my doorway.
“Karus—”
“No!”Iyell it this time.Icannot pull up the memory,Icannot bear to see what has been hidden in my mind.Icannot see his betrayal thatIknow is there, its essence seeping into every part of him thatIonce loved.Everypart of himItrusted to keep me safe, to hold my heart with his.
“Karus,please.”
Thepain in his voice is so raw,Icannot hear it without my chest caving in.Itwill collapse under the pressure of all the air leaving my lungs.
Iwant to comfort him, to go to him asIlisten to his pleas, yet my legs do not let me.
Iam shaking my head again, short back and forths, my breathing is shallow and ragged. “Whathave you done?”
Tears, hot and heavy, run down my face.Nolonger are they produced from joy, from the happiness of being reunited with thoseIlove.
Theseare tears of sorrow, a pain that is a dagger into my soul andIdo not see how to heal.
Ifind my legs leading me to him.Hisscent hits me like a rock to the face, his warmthIcould wrap myself in for days and never leave, even if it slowly suffocated me into a lifeless ball of skin and limbs.
Iwant to be that.I’drather be that than this.
Igrab at his chest and shake him.Hisarms are around me immediately, smoothing over the expanse of my back where they always should have been.
Wherethey have been missing for years, upon years, upon years.
Ishake him again and press my forehead into his chest.Icannot look at his face any longer.
“What.Have.You.Done?”Ispit each word with great effort, unable to control the rageIfeel swelling inside as my blood runs hot through my veins.
“Iwill tell you,Karus.Iwill tell you, my love, my life.”
Hepulls at the sides of my face, forcing me to look him in the eyes.
