Page 60 of Straw and Gold
Fedir ignored him again, lifting my other foot and inspecting the lesser cuts. “I have an ointment that can help your healing, but your sister’s might be?—”
“Get the fuck out!” Killian snapped.
“Not until I’m done,” Fedir growled.
“I order you out of this room, Captain!”
Fedir flashed to his feet, meeting Killian in a rage. “She is myqueen!”
“SHE IS MYWIFE!”
The air left my lungs and my chin trembled as I looked upon them both. Fedir stepped back instantly, nodding slowly. He huffed a short laugh. “About fucking time.” Bowing to me as I sat on the floor, he said, “I’ll check on you in the morning.” He slapped Killian’s shoulder as he left, softly closing the carved wooden door behind him.
Killian lowered himself to the floor, assessing me with a murderous look. “Did they touch you?”
I shook my head. “Not like that. But—” I bit my lips together, gathering courage. “But they would have if you hadn’t found me.”
He murmured softly, “Are you alright, Moh Dhóches?”
I gave him a small smile. “Yes. With you.”
His lashes fluttered at my words before he offered his hands, lifting me as I took them. He helped me to the chair by the fire, adding, “Sit. Do not move.”
I nodded obediently and he left through the bathing room door, returning shortly with a stool and small basin of steaming water.
He sat, barely fitting on the stool as he bent, picking up my ankle and gently lowering my foot into the heat. I gripped the sides of the chair but didn’t make a sound, even through the sharp sting.
He took a deep breath and began to speak. “The first woman I ever loved, Céad murdered in our bed.”
I stilled as he washed, his large hands so delicate and gentle tracing over my wounds.
“Her name was Claragh and we were barely twenty-two. I’d just become king and had years left in the bargain before she needed to discover my name, so she never even tried.” He patted my foot dry, unfolding a towel and revealing a jar of Seraphine’s blue healing salve and strips of cloth. As he added the ointment, he continued. “We were young and in love. Nothing could stand in our way and our future was bright. I woke in her bed one morning and I thought she was still asleep.” He began to wrap my foot gently, tying the ends of the cloth together. “It took me ten minutes of lying next to her before I realized something was wrong.”
He set my foot on the floor and picked up the next. “Hanreigh came into my life a year later. She was the daughter of a shepherd I visited often as we experimented with the moss from the Brackish Wood. I slept with her once and found her dead the next morning.”
I swallowed, a single tear flowing down my cheek. “How did she?—”
He looked up. “Céad cut their throats. I heard the madness in her laughter upon each discovery of their bodies.”
He dipped my foot into the water, beginning again. “Two years later, I thought that if I hid Sorcha, she’d discover my name and fulfilling the bargain would mean Céad could no longer haunt me, and my power would return.” Patting my foot dry, he began the same treatment, his voice falling. “Wewere careful, Morella. We snuck around, meeting at inns or her family’s estate. We planned our future in private, but it wasn’t until we slept together that Céad came.” He nodded toward his bed. “I found her there one morning, her blood pooled in the sheets, her body cold as I tore the blankets back to see that I had caused yet another woman’s death.”
He finished wrapping my foot and sighed. “Another woman I loved.”
He dipped the rag into the water, lifting my muddy skirts to my knees and began washing my legs, splattered in filth.
“I didn’t know,” I said softly. “That the other Changelingfae who were to discover your name…were your lovers.”
He nodded. “When you arrived, I was angry. I’d forged our contract so many years before, certain you’d get yourself out of it.” His strokes were light along my skin, brushing away what grime was left. “And then you showed up to our wedding in red.” His eyes lifted and he dropped the rag. “I hated the color. I couldn’t see it and not think of blood-stained sheets…until I saw you.”
My lips trembled and a half sob, half laugh came from my chest.
“You were so beautiful and free. I knew right then that I couldn’t keep you. I couldn’t risk even knowing you. I didn’t trust your life with my foolish heart.” He shook his head and laughed. “When you pulled your trunk into this room that night, I thought you were mad. I should have turned you away. I know I should have forced you back to your room, but I couldn’t. A stronger man would have, Morella, because I knew what you were doing. I saw that you wanted a marriage. You wanted to fall in love and I should have stopped you right then. Before I discovered more about you. Before I memorized your smile—before I knew the little things. What you like on your toasted bread, what your steps sound like as you cross barefoot througha room…what curse words you prefer when you’re angry or making a point.”
He dried my legs and chuckled. “And you’re right. I am a liar. I’ve been lying to you for weeks. I do love your kiss on my head each morning as you join me for breakfast. I do love listening to your songs as you spin, and I love waiting for the sound of your steps down the stairs.” He pounded his chest. “It grips me here every time I hear them. I love irritating you, just so I can hear what you’ll say. I love your clever thinking and ease into your Changelingfae heritage and the language of your people. I love teaching you. Touching you. Tasting you. But your kisses, Morella, those I love most. Each day I’ve lied, but each night I’ve been the most selfish of men. Because those are my truth. But I cannot have them. I cannot love you as I want just to lose you to her.”
“Killian,” I whispered, reaching out, touching his cheek and wiping the tear I found there. “Moh Dhóches,” I added, “I didn’t know it was Céad. I didn’t know it was your lovers she killed. If you’d have just told me, you’d know by now that she cannot hurt me.”
“She can.” He hung his head, pinching the bridge of his nose. “She will.”
