Page 24 of All the Way
“But now you don’t know what to do about Chris, right?” Jamie says.
“Exactly. This freaking sucks. I have no idea what I’m going to do.” I look out the window at a few passers-by. “I regret the last two days. I let myself get wrapped up in something I didn’t understand, and now I’m being left to figure everything out. This is what happened a year ago.”
“And it all started with that tape,” Kaitlyn says, her eyes looking dreamily far off in the distance.
“That’s right. Maybe I should have thrown it out when I went away to school. Me and Chris were on separate paths, and I should have kept it that way. I knew this wouldn’t work out.”
“Now stop that,” my sister says, putting her hand softly on mine. “You might not know what to do, but what do youfeel?”
“I feel like it was so right just yesterday. And then everything came crashing down around us. He doesn’t want me. I’m old news now. Maybe I should just go back to California and forget this whole thing.”
“No,” Jamie says. “Not if what you want is to stay here.”
“I just don’t know if I can trust him,” I say, a lump forming in my throat.
“You don’t even know if anything happened,” Kaitlyn says softly, trying to console me.
“I know. But it felt like it did. And I’m probably just sugar-coating everything for myself. He came out of some room with a girl. I mean, what the hell do you think could have happened? They were playing a game of pin the tail on the donkey?” I bury my face in my hands and push the lump down my throat.
“That’s a joke, right?” Jamie says, cocking her head to the side as I lift my face up. I’m starting to tear up.
“Yeah. That’s the other thing. It’s hard to know when he’s joking around and when he’s serious. But that’s one of the things I always liked about him so much.”
“Why don’t you try talking to him?” Kaitlyn offers.
“I should. But I’m so embarrassed. I acted like a lunatic last night after the party. I completely shut him out. He probably thinks I’m not interested anymore.” I wipe tears away from the corners of my eyes. “He probably thinks this was just a fling for me. That’s probably what it was for him, right?”
“Honey, if that’s what it was, then you can move on with your head held high and the memory of a good time over Christmas break. I know it’s not ideal, but at least you had a good time, right?” Kaitlyn says.
“Yes. It was amazing. And not just his body. I mean, have you seen him lately?” I know Jamie was shocked when she saw him again. At six-foot-two he was always much taller than me, but the way his chest and arms became strong and powerful and the way he held my legs down at first night has my head swimming all over again.
“I haven’t, no.” Kaitlyn shakes her head. “I don’t know what happened to him. He used to come in here all the time. The black and white cookies were his favorite.”
“He’s so fucking hot now, Kaitlyn. You should see him,” I say.
“Yeah. You should,” Jamie adds.
“So not everything was bad, right?” Kaitlyn sets our empty mugs on the silver tray and brings them over to the sink behind the counter. “The worst case scenario, even if you’re right and it’s over, is that you got to have sex for the first time with this hot guy who cared about you.”
I wipe my nose with my napkin and Jamie goes into her purse for a tissue for me. “You’re right,” I say. “You’re right.” I exhale a deep breath and try to calm myself. Closing my eyes, I picture myself going back to California and hiding. But running away won’t work this time. I left this town because I wanted to expand my horizons. I wanted to see something other than the small town I grew up in and the people I’ve known all my life. But being back here has reminded me of the sweetness of home. And I’m not going to let Chris take that away from me, even if I have to see him with someone else. Even if he’s been on my mind every day for the past year and I need to push those feelings of love away. Even if he’s slipped away and become someone else, someone I thought I still know, but don’t.
I open my eyes and picture myself staying here in New York. This is where I belong, and this is where I’ll stay.
Chapter Fourteen - Chris
I drive past Kaitlyn’s bakery, but all the lights inside are off except for a few Christmas lights strung up in the window. I used to go in there all the time for coffee and a croissant when I was studying for finals. I haven’t been in lately because it always reminded me of Jess, but right now I’m in the mood for something hot and sweet.
My knuckles grip the steering wheel of my vintage 1984 Mustang and I downshift manually to keep my ass from driving straight off the road. I haven’t seen Jess since last night, and I’m going to surprise her at her house. It’s not okay for us to not talk all day. I like to keep tabs on my girl. I want her to know I’m thinking of her.
I check my phone when I get to a red light to see if she’s texted me. Nothing. Out of the corner of my eye I see Kaitlyn get into the car next to mine.
“Hey!” I roll down my window and wave to her. She smiles brightly, and then pushes her lips together into a line like she’s suddenly forgotten who I am.
“Hey, Chris,” she says, unlocking her car. “Haven’t seen you in a while.”
“Have you seen Jess today? I’m going over there now, but I haven’t talked to her.”
“Yeah. As a matter of fact, I have.” She starts to grab the door handle of her car and then shakes her head with her eyes cast down to the ground and turns to my open passenger-side window. “Chris, what’s going on with you?”
