Page 50 of Caging Cessie
“Damn it, Cessie. Trust me enough to ask for my help. Trust that I will tell you no if I don’t have the time or?—”
“It’s not about time. It’s about…” She stopped, breathing deep and too fast. “I can’t ask you for help, because if I do, I makemybad decisionsyourbad decisions.”
Leon jerked in surprise. They’d had versions of this conversation a million times before, but she’d never said anything like this.
Cessie was quiet for a long time. Long enough that Leon wondered if she was done. Then, so quietly he almost missed it, she said, “I know I need to stop.”
She dragged in a breath, shaky and thin. “I know I can’t keep fixing things for them. Not after what my brother did. Not after he —” She broke off, swallowing hard. “Not after he stole my identity and almost destroyed everything I’ve worked for.”
Her voice cracked on the last words, and Leon’s hands itched to reach for her, to pull her close, but he stayed where he was.
“I know it’s not sustainable,” Cessie whispered. “But it’s hard. I’m more comfortable helping people than... than letting anyone help me.”
“That’s what this is about,” Leon said gently. “This—us—it’s not just about me taking control. It’s about letting yourself be taken care of. Trusting that I will always be there for you.”
He stepped forward, gently wrapping his hands over hers where they gripped the bars.
“I’m not asking you to stop being strong,” Leon said. “I’m asking you to let me be strong for you sometimes. To stop carrying it all alone.”
She sucked in a shaky breath and nodded—a small, tentative movement, but a nod all the same.
Leon exhaled slowly, the tightness in his chest easing just a little. If he were smart, he would have let it go, ended the conversation there.
“What did you mean, you can’t make your bad decisions my bad decisions? Do you think that’s what asking for help is?”
She hesitated. “What would you have done if I told you I needed your help because I had to go to Vegas to take my brother to the dentist?”
He started to answer, but she shook her head and he fell quiet, letting her talk.
“First, you would have pointed out that it’s ridiculous that my brother can’t go on his own—he doesn’t have a phobia or fear of dentists, he just doesn’t want to go. Then you might have pointed out that my mother could take him. He lives with her. After that you might have bought me a plane ticket to save me time and because you know I spend most of my money on them. Or maybe you’d have tried to pay a car service or medical transport to take him.”
That’s… exactly what would have happened.
“And if none of that worked, you might have gone with me. All the way to Vegas. And I know you would have been civil to my brother and mother, because you’re a good guy.”
He wasn’t, but he liked that she thought he was. He would have been civil to them for her, not because he thought it was the right thing to do.
“And the whole time, I would have felt guilty and ashamed. Because my fucked-up relationship with my family, my inability to say no to them, was now your problem. I don’t even want to ask you to get groceries, because the reason I don’t have time to shop is that when I’m not at work, I’m dealing with them.” Tears slid silently down her cheeks. “Any time I’d ask for help, I’d be dragging you down with me. Making my bad decision your bad decision.”
His heart broke for her. He’d figured out some of what was going on in her head but hadn’t known how bad it was. “No, baby. Listen to me. This isn’t about a decision being good or bad.”
“If the situation was reversed, you would have just said no to your brother.”
“Because my mom didn’t raise me to be my brother’s fixer and caretaker. My mom didn’t spend my childhood turning everything into a crisis that I had to try and manage and fix.”
Her tears stopped being silent as a small sob escaped her. He wanted to take her in his arms, but in this moment, he had a feeling that she needed the bars of the cage between them. That the cage was creating a protective, safe space where she could say the things they’d only been dancing around.
“Cessie, look at me.”
It took a minute, but she met and held his gaze.
“I love you.”
Her lips parted on a soft sob.
“I love you,” he said again. “I love you even if you make decisions I wouldn’t make. I love that you feel like you need to be in control, except when you’re with me like this and you submit. I live for the moment I can see that you’re no longer tensed up and waiting for the next crisis.”
“Leon,” she sobbed. “I love you too, and I’m so scared of losing you.”
