Page 18 of Words I Couldn't Say
“I’M NOT GOING TOCALIFORNIA, Ava.”
Tucker’s words played on repeat in my head, but they wouldn’t quite sink in. He’d changed in the days after his parents’ accident. It had been expected, and while he grieved, all I could do was give him an outlet, a comfortable shoulder, and be there for him whenever he needed me. So¸
when we’d been watching a baseball game and I’d commented on how I’d miss watching the Reds in California, he’d dropped the bomb on me.
In hindsight, I should’ve known that it was coming. How could Tucker go to California after the loss of his parents? But that’s the thing about hindsight, right? It’s only a bitch when you realize how wrong you were.
“What do you mean you’re not going to California?” I’d sat up and twisted to face him, sure the alarm on my face was apparent.
As he said the words, he stared at the television, not even giving me a passing glance. “Exactly that. I’m not going to California. I can’t. Not now.”
I cupped his cheek, forcing his face to turn, and his eyes at last met mine. They were dull, lifeless, and I hated it. I hated this so much. I wanted my Tucker back. My happy, goofy, life-of-the-party Tucker. I had no idea if he’d ever come back to me.
“You can come later. When things get settled. Maybe just take off a semester or something,” I said, already knowing one semester wouldn’t be enough.
Tucker grabbed my wrist and took my hand off his face. His eyes were steady and unblinking as he stared at me. He gave me the slightest shake of his head, and his jaw clenched before he responded. “I lost my parents, Ava.My parents.More than that, so did Tanner. He’s not going to lose me, too. There’s no way. We’re all each other has,” he insisted with a vehemence I’d never witnessed coming from him.
I was about to remind him of his father’s uncle when he continued, clearly having read my mind.
“There is no way in hell I’m sending him to live with an old, crotchety great-uncle he barely knows. I’m not going to USC, Ava. At least, not now. Not any time soon. I can’t leave him.”
“But…” Even as I tried to say the words, I couldn’t argue with the truth, so I trailed off. I’d have been selfish if I’d tried to talk him into leaving.
Even though I’d stopped myself, it was like he read my mind again and disapproved of my thoughts. His face reddened as he balled his hands into fists. Through clenched teeth, he practically seethed. “I have responsibilities now.He’smy responsibility now. And, yeah, maybe I wanted to study journalism, but you know what? Life happens.” He scoffed. “Or, in this case, death happens.”
My heart was torn in two. How could I have been so selfish to think he could leave Tanner? But how could he give up on all his hopes and dreams? How could he give up on me?
Even as the thought crossed my mind, I hated myself for having it. If anything ever happened to my parents, Heaven forbid, and I found myself in Tucker’s shoes, I’d do the same. If I had to, I’d give up everything for my brothers. That’s when I knew. I couldn’t—and wouldn’t—try to change Tucker’s mind.
The realization was the first crack in my soon-to-be shattered heart. And still, ever the glutton for punishment, I continued.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, unable to keep the tears from spilling onto my cheeks. There was really nothing more I could say. Nothing would change his mind, and while part of me understood, my heart was breaking nonetheless.
A sob escaped my lips, and while I tried to mask my pain, I was doing a shitty job of it. Tucker’s thumb came to my chin and lifted it until my eyes met his. The obvious pain in them was nearly my undoing. Yeah, my heart was shattering into a million pieces, just like Tucker’s world had on the night of the accident.
“Ava, this isn’t forever. This isn’t permanent. I love you. This hasn’t changed that. If anything, it’s made me realize how much more I love you. It’s taught me we have such little time on this Earth, baby, and it’s important you spend it with the ones you love. You’re it for me, Ava. Whether we’re one hundred feet or a thousand miles apart. You’re the only woman I’ll ever love. The woman I’m meant to spend my life with. It’s you.” His soft smile was earnest, as if he thought his words would erase all our pain, all of our heartache. As if words would be enough to keep us together.
But, even though they were beautiful, they were just that.
Words.
I swallowed hard, knowing, yet still unable to stop myself, that this was the beginning of the end. “I love you, too, Tucker. But I’m leaving and I don’t have any plans on ever coming back. If I make it out there, I’ll be in California for the rest of my life. So, where does that leave us?”
“I know it seems like a long time, but Tanner graduates in five years,” he reminded me. “Once he’s settled and in college or working in the business, I can come out there, too.”
“And until then?” I asked stupidly.
He shrugged, but I could see the weight of the world resting on those broad shoulders. “Weekends? Phone calls…” he trailed off, and I wondered if it sounded as illogical to him as it did to me. “I’ll visit when I can.”
I bit the inside of my mouth to keep the tears from spilling onto my cheeks. This was hard enough without breaking down.
“Tucker, long distance doesn’t work. We haven’t even been together that long, and the thought of starting our relationship by being apart for five years? That’s a disaster waiting to happen. We’ll fall apart and you’ll find someone else. I’ll be heartbroken, and instead of only losing my boyfriend, I’ll have lost my best friend, too. I can’t do it.”
