Page 19 of Words I Couldn't Say
“You can’t do it,” he repeated, sounded dumbfounded, reeling back from me almost as if I’d struck him.
I wanted to take it back, but I knew, to my very core, we’d never work if we were thousands of miles apart. As much as I would miss my family, I had no clue how often I’d be able to travel back to Ohio for summer or winter breaks. California was my fresh start, and I was going to work my ass off to follow my dreams. Those dreams, unfortunately, didn’t involve Ohio.
“We may not have been together long, but I love you, Ava. I love you enough to try,” he pushed. “Don’t you love me, too?”
“I do love you, Tucker. I’ve loved you my entire life, even if it’s only recently changed from friendship to this kind of love. But I’m not my mom. I’m not ready to settle down at eighteen. I have dreams. Hopes. Goals. Don’t you?”
Even as I said the words, my heart was breaking. Tucker couldn’t leave Cincinnati. I couldn’t stay. We were at a stalemate. A standoff. And I was the one to pull the trigger first, effectively killing any future we ever had.
His jaw tightened. “You, Ava. You’re my dream.” His whisper was so subdued that I barely heard the words. But his intent was loud and clear. The repeated words from the night of our first kiss was a crushing blow to my soul.
“That’s not true,” I protested. “You want to be a writer. You never wanted to go into the family business.”
“I have no choice!” he exploded, his chest heaving and his face twisting with pain and turning a shade of red I’d never seen before. “My parents are dead, Ava!Dead. As in not coming back, never walking in this house ever again. I amallTanner has. I’m not leaving. I can’t.”
“I can’t stay, Tucker,” I mumbled so low that I wasn’t sure he heard me.
The moment the words spilled out of my mouth, my heart was under sudden conflict. How could I leave Tucker after he’d lost so much? And yet, how could I give up on my dreams? I wanted to promise to stay there in Cincinnati with him. I’d be right next door, or I could even move in and help with Tanner. We’d always been family, and though it took me a while to realize it, somehow I’d always known that Tucker and I would one day have our own. Why not start now?
But, as nice as the thought was, I couldn’t bring myself to say it because, in the back of my mind, if I stayed, I’d eventually come to resent him. And, if we tried long distance and didn’t work out, our friendship would be over forever. A clean break seemed like the best-case scenario.
Or perhaps it was the most selfish one. I’d never felt more self-loathing than I did right then.
“I’m not asking you to. I know you have dreams. I’ve heard all about them since you were six years old. All you’ve ever wanted to be was an actress. I’d never ask you to give that up. I’m just asking for you not to give up on me. I’ll do everything in my power to make this work. Just, please, don’t give up on us.”
“It won’t work. We’ll fall apart,” I whispered.
He rose from the bed, and like a coward, I couldn’t bring myself to look at him.
“Then I guess I have my answer.” He scoffed. “Well, that was fun while it lasted. Take care of yourself out there.”
“Tucker, I’m not leaving for another three weeks. This doesn’t have to end now. It doesn’t have to end at all. We can still be us,” I insisted, hesitant to bring my gaze up to his. When I did, I immediately regretted it once I saw the pain in his eyes. The pain I’d caused.
“I won’t continue this knowing we have an expiration date. This?” He waved a hand back and forth between us. “This is over. As of now.”
“You’re breaking up with me?” I asked, unable to believe what was happening. Looking back, I knew that it was stupid. I’d just broken his heart. How could I have expected him to consider three more weeks when I wouldn’t even give us a chance at long distance.
“No, Ava. This is your choice. But just know I’m not your dad. I’m not chasing you until you realize we’re meant to be together.”
I threw my hands up in protest. “I’m not asking you to!”
“Aren’t you?”
“Tucker, this is crazy! I don’t want to lose you. That’s all!” I was practically screaming at him, desperate for him to understand that this was for the best. At least, for now.
But he didn’t. Instead, he landed the final, fatal blow straight to my heart. “You aren’t losing me, Ava. You’re letting me go.”
We stood there, in our current standoff, staring at each other, willing the other to make the first move. I barely kept the tears at bay, and when one spilled over, I couldn’t stand there any longer memorizing the face of my best friend, my first love, and, now, my first heartbreak. So, without another word, I twisted on my heel, sprinted out of the house, and fled across the lawn.
As I threw my front door open, I collided with my dad’s chest. Warm arms immediately enveloped me. Arms that were usually soothing, but nothing could alleviate my pain. Not even Dad.
“Daddy…” I cried, unashamed of the fact I hadn’t called him that in years. “It’s over.”
My dad, as goofy as he was, was also incredibly astute and knew exactly what I meant. He simply drew me in closer as he led me to the couch and held me while I cried. His gentle hand smoothed my hair out. He didn’t say a word. He didn’t ask questions. He just let me cry, and I was so thankful for it.
“Jeremy, what in the—” My mom’s panicked voice broke through the sound of my sobs.
I felt Dad’s head shake.
