Page 2 of Words I Couldn't Say
“I promise, Trevor. I’ll still smile. I’ll still laugh. I’ll still live. If not for myself, I’ll do it for you. But I will do it knowing I was the luckiest woman in existence for having loved you. And I will continue to love you for all my days. Time. Death. Nothing will ever change that. I lost you once before, and we found our way back to each other. I believe, with every beat of my heart, that we can do the same again.”
A small smile crossed Trevor’s lips. Satisfied, he laid his head back on the pillow, his eyes drooping closed with sleepiness.
Without another word, Abigail had curled up against his chest, listening to the sounds of his ragged breath. Both of them left silently wondering if she’d be able to keep the promise; both of them knowing they’d find out all too soon.
The memory burned like a raging, unbeatable inferno in her mind. She hadn’t wanted to, but she’d made that promise to Trevor, and she intended to keep it. Starting now.
After she’d looked around their marital bedroom, her gaze landed on the book on her husband’s nightstand. Before his passing, Trevor had been rereading his favorite classic,The Great Gatsby.
“One last time before I go,” he’d joked, not knowing any other way to deal with his illness than with humor.
She smiled, remembering when they’d met in college. She’d been sitting in the grass near the courtyard at school, leaning up against a tree, readingA Separate Peace, when he’d sat right next to her, wooing her entirely by tossing out a line from F. Scott Fitzgerald’s most famous work. To many, it might have sounded like a pickup line, but to Trevor, it had been the truth. He wasn’t in love with her—he’d never even met her. But he’d definitely experienced a tender curiosity when it had come to the beautiful blonde reading his second favorite American classic.
And, on Abigail, it’d worked. She’d been utterly charmed.
As their romance blossomed, he’d liked to compare himself to the titular character, while Abigail knew he was more like the handsome, sweet Nick Carraway. Well, at least he’d eventually become so once he’d matured.
Shaking her head so as not to let unhappy memories seep in, she stretched across the bed to pick the book up, knowing exactly where they’d left off. When she opened it, she realized her usual bookmark was gone, and an envelope was in its place. Her heartbeat quickened and she held her breath as Trevor’s handwriting stared back at her.
Little Bird.
The reminder of his nickname sent a tear spilling onto her cheek. How had she missed this before? How long had the letter been there, waiting for her to find it? What could it possibly say?
With trembling fingers, she retrieved the piece of paper that was tenderly tucked inside. She smiled tearfully as she unfolded the page. She should’ve known that Trevor would have wanted to have the last word. Her head tilted back and she looked to the ceiling, sending her dearest thoughts to her husband, hoping, praying, wishing that, somewhere in the heavens, he could hear her.
After a few moments of reflection on their happy times together, she redirected her attention to the letter. She wasn’t sure if she could read those words, but Abigail knew she had to. It was obviously what Trevor wanted. Her heart was thumping wildly in her chest as her gaze rested on the top of the page.
My beautiful Abigail,
As much as I hate writing this, I hate that you’re reading it. A goodbye letter? How cliché, right? But the thought of not leaving you one was even more unbearable, so here I am. the incomparable Trevor Sullivan has left the world with a cliché. I hope you don’t hold it against me.
First and foremost, I love you, Abigail. Death will not change that. Nothing could ever change that. From the moment I saw you to the moment I close my eyes for the last time, know that I have always only ever loved you. You’re the woman my heart was made to love, and I will forever be in your debt for loving me back. Whatever I did in a past life to deserve you, I hope I continue to do so. Because our love will stand the test of time. In this life, and in every other, you’re my destiny. I know that now more than ever, and that’s why, while I’m aware our time together is limited on this Earth, I have faith that we’ll be together again one day soon.
When I was a selfish man, I almost lost you. Hell, for a while, I did lose you. The stubborn part of me let you go even though I knew I was making the biggest mistake of my life. I watched you walk away, and instead of chasing you, I was a coward and lost so much precious time with the love of my life. Our time apart did nothing but show me how much I needed you, how much I wanted you, and how life without you was dull. Devoid of any happiness. It wasn’t a life worth living, and I couldn’t go on with my heart missing.
Life, however, brought you back to me, and when it did, I vowed I’d spend the rest of mine cherishing you. I’d win you back and hold on so tightly, never letting you get away again. I’d have followed you to the ends of the Earth if I’d had to. Where you went, I went, and vice versa. That never changed.
Until now. As much as I want to be with you for every second of every day, I’m going to a place that isn’t quite ready for you yet. Tempting as it may be, I pray you don’t follow for a very long time. It’ll be hard, sweetheart, but remember your promise. Continue to smile. Continue to laugh. Continue to live your life for the both of us. For the both of you. Raise our son to be a better man than I was. Remind him of how much I love him; always remember how much I love you.
When you’re lost and lonely, look at our son and see that the best parts of me are still here. You may not be able to see me, but I will be with you. Always.
Loving you has been the greatest endeavor of my life. I leave this world a blessed, fulfilled, happy man. I love you, Abby, and I can’t wait for the day when you’re in my arms again.
Until then… I’ll be waiting.
Yours,
Trevor
An endless stream of tears flowed down her cheeks as she read his words repeatedly. When her reserves were empty, she set the page aside and wiped the moisture from her face, holding her hand out to stare at her wedding band in melancholy reflection.
Trevor was right. Even though she didn’t want to most days, she knew she still had so much to live for, even if half of her heart was now empty. The other half was still so incredibly full.
