Page 21 of Words I Couldn't Say
WHENIWAS FINISHED RELIVINGthe past, I sat back in my chair and watched as Tawni’s expression changed from confusion, to awe, and then to what appeared to be disbelief. It was strange, finally telling her the truth. Telling anyone the truth. I’d been holding it inside for so long that I strangely felt free. Well, not really free. I was still strangled by how much I missed him. How much I craved him. How much I hated myself for messing the best thing I’d ever had up and being too much of a coward to change it.
After I’d let it all out, Tawni released a sigh and brought her rounded, hazel eyes to mine. “Damn, girl. I had no idea. I thought…maybe you were into chicks or something,” she said.
I waited for her to laugh, but there was no hint of teasing.
My eyebrows narrowed, and I leaned across the table and answered her with a hiss. “Just because I tell you you’re hot all the time doesn’t mean I’m into chicks.”
Her face broke out into a broad smile, her eyes dancing with delight as she teased me. “I know, girl. But it was getting pretty intense and I just wanted to lighten the mood for a moment. Seriously though? I would’ve never guessed you were harboring some hidden feelings for a man you’ve loved your entire life. God, it’s like one of your movies and you just haven’t reached your own happy ending yet.”
“Happy ending? Yeah, I don’t think I’ll be getting that. At least, not with Tucker. Five years,” I lamented, looking up and finding her watching me with scrutinizing eyes. “Five years to the day since he told me he wasn’t chasing me. And he wasn’t lying. It’s been five years since I’ve seen him. Four since I’ve been home. Yeah, there’s no happy ending for us in the cards. There’s nousin the cards. As much as he once loved me, he hates me now. So much that he couldn’t even stand the sight of me. Sorry, Tawni. No happy ending for us.”
Her head tilted to the side for a moment before her eyes rounded with delight and her lips curved up into a beaming smile. “Girl, this is perfect!” she squealed.
I wondered what the heck she was drinking and why didn’t I have a glass of it right in front of me? “Umm…my breaking my best-friend-turned-almost-lover’s heart is perfect?” I asked while trying to swipe her glass to make sure she was truly just drinking beer.
She swatted my hand away before I could get a sip. “Okay, so it does sound pretty bad, and I don’t know how one would come back from that. However,” She sat forward, placing her hand under her chin, “You know who came back from that? Trevor and Abby. He had to fight to the bone to win her heart back. You’re going back to Cincinnati, and now, you can do the same!”
“I hadn’t thought of that,” I lied, not surprised Tawni had come to the same conclusion I had after I’d read the script.
But, now that I’d traveled down memory lane, fear had crept up in the back of my mind. Trevor and Abby were fictional characters. The author had written their story how he’d wanted it to turn out. This was real life, and it didn’t usually work out that way. The thought that I could waltz back into Tucker’s life and have him take me back was, while thrilling, pretty damn unrealistic.
“I don’t even know if he’s single,” I said, my heart twisting at the thought of another woman with him. Touching him. Kissing him. I shuddered then signaled the bartender. “Two shots of Jose, hold the lime.”
Once they had been set in front of me, I tossed them back both in quick succession, only to look up and find Tawni’s head tilted while she took her time studying me.
“Stop that,” I insisted, waving my fingers in her face. “Don’t do your psycho-analysis bull stuff on me. Not today.”
Her eyes sparkled, and if I hadn’t known better, I’d have thought she was already imagining my reunion with Tucker. I wished I could have one ounce of her optimism.
“Maybe he’s single. Maybe he’s not. But you won’t know until you get there.”
“I wouldn’t even know what to say, Tawni. Or what to do. Just knock on his door after five years? ‘Hi. Remember me? I walked away and broke your heart when you were grieving over your parents’ deaths. I was an asshole, a selfish cow, but I’m back now and I’m sorry. Can we kiss and make up?’” I scoffed. “That sounds ridiculous, even to me. He probably hates me.”
A perfectly manicured eyebrow arched in my direction. “Honey, I don’t know the man, so I can’t say what he does or doesn’t feel…but you were young. So was he. Life happened, got in the way, but now, life is giving you a second chance. You even said he was willing to wait to be with you for five years. And what’s it been? Five years. I don’t see what could have changed in that time.”
“Everything has changed! I’ve changed. I’m sure he has, too. And what about everything that’s happened since I left? For my entire life, I waited for him, Tawni. For someone special, the man I loved, to give my virginity to. After I left Tucker, as much as I wanted to throw myself at the first man who looked at me to forget him, I couldn’t do it. So, what did I do? I turned down every single man who asked me out on a date because of some idiotic deep-down hope that Tucker would still, one day, be my first.” I scoffed. “I doubt he’s done the same.”
Another jolt of pain hit my heart.
“You’ll be my first. And my last.”
The once romantic sentiment resonated profoundly. Maybe I was stupid to still be holding on to my virginity when it’d been five years of radio silence from Tucker.
“Maybe I should just get it over with and sleep with someone,” I muttered, knowing I’d never go through with it.
Tawni tsked. “Look around you, Ava. There are plenty of men in this bar who would bend you over and make you scream if you so much as crooked your finger in their direction. Hell, you could probably do a subtle nod towards the bathroom and the condom would be unwrapped before you even had your jeans unbuttoned.”
I rolled my eyes at her ridiculous exaggeration.
“Every single time you walk into this bar, eyes all over the room light up, just waiting for the elusive Ava Banks to notice them. But do you? No, not once, because you’re still in love with Mr. Cincinnati and can’t stand the thought of being with anyone else even though you’re doing absolutely nothing to make things right between you two. God, now it all makes sense!” She sat back and folded her arms across her chest, seemingly pleased with her analysis, waiting for me to challenge her.
I couldn’t because she, without a doubt, was absolutely spot-on.
