Page 44 of Words I Couldn't Say
HOURS AFTERAVA HAD FALLENasleep in my arms, my gaze was fixed on the ceiling. I could hardly believe she was there. In my home. In my bed. In my arms, sleeping peacefully, appearing sated and beautiful as ever. It wasn’t until the sun began to shine through my window that panic crept in.
I’d cut Ava off the night before when she’d brought the future up, even though I knew the only future I wanted was with her. But I was a guy. And, like most men, I was an idiot. Doubt clouded my mind. Could I really just let her walk back into my life and pick up where we’d left off? The idea of putting my heart on the line for her to turn around and break it all over again was unbearable. But how could I not?
Like she could read my mind, she shifted in my arms and gazed up at me with hooded eyes. She blinked twice then smiled the sweetest sleepy smile. God, no matter how much I wanted to ease my heart back into this, I couldn’t. I wanted to wake up to this sight every day for the rest of my life. I just needed to know she wanted the same. That this wasn’t some fling while she was home and then she’d jet-set off to California, destroying me all over again.
I needed to think. I needed to put some distance between us. Not forever. Not even for a day. But I also needed to get my head back on straight. Ava was the endgame for me, but I hadn’t expected to dive in head first, without seeing what lay beneath the surface.
Her nose wrinkled when I slipped out from underneath her and left the bed. I crossed to my dresser and took out work clothes. “So,” I said, unsure of what to say. Of what to do. Through all my wishful thinking, I hadn’t actually thought we’d be there. That Ava would be waking in my bed, her sleepy, blue eyes blinking as she watched me dress.
She rose from the bed, allowing the sheet to fall to her waist. The glimpse I got of her full breasts was almost enough to threaten my resolve.
Almost.
“Look, Ava.” I ran a hand through my hair, wishing it were her hand. I released a heavy sigh before I lied through my teeth. “This was a mistake.”
That was the second time in twelve hours I’d said something to that effect. I didn’t think it was a mistake. Not one bit. But I needed to know she didn’t, either.
Stupid—I knew it.
The way her swollen, ravaged lips puckered to form a surprised O sent all the blood in my body straight to my dick. Definitely not the message I was trying to convey.
Naturally, she noticed and a small grin formed on those lips.
“I don’t think that’s true, Tucker. It was good. We’re good together. You know it.”
She wasn’t wrong, and I knew I had to be honest.
“You’re right. It wasn’t a mistake. Kissing you, making love to you. Hell, nothing’s ever felt more right. But the truth is I’m fucking terrified right now. Were we good together? Absolutely. Do I want to do it again? Hell, it’s all I’m going to want to do now. I just…” I ran a hand through my hair. “You have the power to slay me, Ava. I don’t know what I’d do if you did.”
It was what I’d been afraid of the night before. I’d tried to tell Tucker that I wasn’t leaving this time. I wasn’t walking away from him. Heck, I’d jump into his arms and beg for him to never let me go if that’s what it would take. Things were different, I was different, and I’d wanted to explain all of that, but he hadn’t allowed me to. I couldn’t blame him for being hot and lukewarm—he never was quite cold, which let me know he was fighting his confliction. I understood what he was saying. I deserved his hesitation, his mistrust.
I wanted to plead my case. To promise him I’d never leave again. To guarantee I’d love him for the rest of my life and I’d go anywhere, live anywhere, as long as it was with him. But Tucker deserved more than that. He didn’t simply need my words; he needed my actions. So instead of telling him what I wanted to say, I set my plan in motion.
Playing dirty once again, of course.
I propped myself up on the bed, trying to suppress a grin when Tucker swallowed hard at the sight of my bare breasts.
“You don’t trust me,” I stated.
He merely blinked. I pushed the sheet aside to reveal my naked body and watched as he shifted from one leg to another. I climbed off the bed and crossed the room until I was standing directly in front of him. My hands slid up his naked torso and latched around his neck.
“I understand, and I deserve your mistrust. I have no intention of breaking your heart again, Tucker, but I also know you need time. So, for now, until you can trust me again, why don’t we focus on being friends again?”
His eyes narrowed and his nostrils flared. Clearly, being just friends wasn’t ideal. A good sign.
“Friends?” he asked.
“You know…with benefits,” I continued. Then I bit my lower lip, knowing how much it had always driven him crazy.
“Friends with benefits?” he repeated, a wicked gleam darkening his eyes.
