Page 79 of Words I Couldn't Say
I’D NEARLY LOST MY SHITwhen I’d walked in and seen what Ava had been reading. When Jeremy had sat me down and shocked me with the news of his tumor and upcoming surgery, the first thing I’d wanted to do was call Ava and apologize profusely while offering my own comfort. Jeremy, however, had put a stop to that when he’d informed me that he hadn’t told her.
While I hadn’t cared for the plan to keep it from Ava, I’d respected Jeremy and Sierra’s wishes. At least, I had up until the point Ava had appeared heartbroken at the thought of my having cancer. I’d completely forgotten that Jeremy had given me a copy of his will just in case, so I could be there for Sierra if the unthinkable happened. Fortunately, his surgery had been a success, and every year since, he’d gotten a clean bill of health. When Ava came back into my life, I didn’t even give it a second thought.
But when she looked at me with tear-filled eyes and thought I was the one with a life-threatening illness? I’d never felt lower. Never felt more heartbroken than witnessing the pain etched across her face.
It wasn’t until she joked about sending her brother after my junk that I knew she was okay. That we were going to be okay.
Thank goodness for it, too, because she was leaving in three short days, and the last thing I wanted was her not to trust me.
We said our goodbyes to her parents, and when I took her hand and led her from the house, she was still tense. Instead of going to my place, I led her to the tree house. Once we’d climbed up and hit play on the stereo, I encircled her waist and pulled her close to me. I whispered apology after apology as we swayed to the music. Her quiet sniffles hit my heart.
“I missed you so much when you were gone.” My hand rubbed the small of her back in slow, methodical circles. “Not a day went by that I wasn’t in this tree house, wishing you were here, replaying every memory we made that summer. You once mentioned I was the reason you stayed away,” I said.
She opened her mouth to protest, but I held my hand up.
“Let me finish. I was wrong. I was an asshole. I was hurt, but pushing you out of my life was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done. But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t thinking of you every moment of every single day. The confliction between wanting to go after you and knowing I needed to be here nearly killed me.”
“Tucker, I know. It doesn’t matter anymore.”
“Oh, Ava. It matters. You have to know that it wasn’t easy to let you go. For months, I kept the house stocked with that ridiculous soap. My hands smelled like watermelon lemonade and I didn’t care when Tanner teased me about it. Because it made me feel close to you. Because, even if you weren’t here, I’d do everything in my power to keep your memory alive.”
“I missed you. I missed you so damn much I thought I’d go insane without you.”
I crossed the room and opened the trunk that had once held our favorite board games. Upon retrieving the package I’d placed there, I turned around and then handed it to her. “From the day you left up until the night you came back to me, I wrote to you. There are 1,867 letters in those journals. Some are short. Some are angry. Some are ten pages long, full of sappy poems and all the sweet nothings I’d wished I could have been whispering in your ear. I never went a day without wishing you were still with me.”
Her eyes were brimming with tears. “I…I don’t know what to say.”
I smiled. “You don’t have to say anything. This isn’t a wild romantic gesture to keep you with me. You’re already mine. It’s plain and simple. I just want you to read those and know you always have been. My heart was always with you. It always will be.”
She peered down at the unsent letters then pressed them to her heart. “I don’t need these to know those things, Tucker.” She grinned. “But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to enjoy reading every single detail. You’ve always been the one for me. You’re everything, you know that?”
I took a step towards her and brushed an errant lock of hair out of her face. “I was your first, Little Bird. I’m going to be your last. And you’re that for me, too.”
A small smile played on her lips. “Little Bird,” she repeated. Her eyes met mine. “So my dad… Is that why you killed Trevor off?”
I swallowed hard and toyed with the hem of her shirt. “Maybe… I don’t know.” I raked a hand through my hair. “I never actually intended on it. But, as much as I love a good happily-ever-after, the ending fit the story. It sent a message and taught me a lesson. It made even me realize time on this planet is limited. There wasn’t a second more I wanted to waste of it without you.”
“Good thing this isn’t our ending. It’s only the beginning,” she said, her eyes twinkling. “But you know you could’ve called me. I mean, I love the book. I loved playing Abigail… It’s just, this all could’ve happened a lot faster with a text.”
She had me there. Still, I cocked an eyebrow and grinned down at her. “Maybe…but it sure as hell wouldn’t have been as romantic.”
My leg was shaking restlessly beneath the Bankses’ dining room table. A hole was burning in my pocket, and I couldn’t wait to get Ava alone. That being said, I wasn’t ready for this dinner to be over, either. Because the quicker her last night in town went, the sooner she would be gone.
It was entertaining to watch every single member of her family pull out all the stops to remind her how great life was when she was home. Even Pacey was on his best behavior, not once threatening my male anatomy. He actually batted his eyes at his big sister and told her he’d leave my nuts alone forever if only she’d stick around.
Not gonna lie. That little bastard brought tears to my eyes.
“I don’t want you to go,” Eli chimed in softly, barely loud enough for his words to be heard.
That made two of us.
In fact, when I glanced around the table, I saw that we all felt that way. From the tears in Ava’s eyes, it was evident she was equally unenthused to leave. She reached across the table and grabbed Eli’s hand.
“It’s not forever, buddy. I promise.”
