Page 49 of Crash
We like to get a head start when we go out on a hike. And by head start I mean up before dawn for travel and then start our hike so we can reach our point and witness the sunrise. We sit, have a chat, talk about our goals in life and where our career fits on that path. After a few brews, snacks, and sports talk, we wrap it up and head back down the mountain.
“That was a great hike,” Caleb says, while we load our gear back into his truck. “Did you get any clarity?”
“Not really. I think I need to go for the real closure type deal. You know, have the ‘talk’. Then and only then will I be able to move on.”
“Dude, like you haven’t called her, and she hasn’t called you. I think it’s pretty clear.”
“Things ended in anger and I want to free that space because regardless of what happens, she is my sister’s best friend and I will see her. We don’t need the tension.”
“Courtney is good at diffusing awkward situations. Look at last night. She kept you two from seeing each other, well from Tessa seeing you with those two ladies.”
“Yeah, but she shouldn’t have to do that. Besides, it’s not like I was dating either of them.”
I throw the last bag into the back and the cover’s closed before we climb in and head back to town.
“Tori seemed to be really into you,” Caleb adds, when we pull away from the parking spot.
“She’s nice, from what I could see, but…”
“She’s not Tessa,” Caleb adds.
“No, she’s not, but that wasn’t what I was going to say. I was going to say that she doesn’t hold my interest.”
“Whatever, bro. She’s fine as hell, smart, and has her own home. That’s a win in my book.”
“Then why didn’t you go for her last night instead of her friend?”
“Oh, I did. Had both over for nightcaps. Surprised I had so much energy for the trails this morning.”
“You fucked them both and still want me to hook up with her?”
“I had to test the goods for my best friend. Besides, she didn’t do much sleeping with me. Know what I’m saying?”
“Dude, you’re such a pig.” I slug him in his arm, and we laugh. My friend is a cad, true enough, but he is also a good dude.
Our talks continue while we arrive back in town.
“Bro, so tell me honestly, did you see yourself with Tessa for life? Like marriage and kids type shit?”
I take a few moments to pull my words together before answering. “Yes, yes, I did. You don’t get it. At first, we played this real loosely. Like, we know we have feelings for each other, but we didn’t label it or want it to go too fast. Then the accident changed everything. Suddenly, reality hit: the fairytale would not be happy after all. I get that her injuries crushed her not only physically and mentally, but it also affected me. I couldn’t protect her. I tried to be there for her, and she pushed me away.”
“Did you ever think you may have been overbearing?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“I get you had something special with her, but she’s a very strong and independent woman. She needed a boyfriend, not a caregiver. When you threw it all back at her like she was in the wrong for her actions, you shut her down and she blocked you. Understand what she needed the most was to be treated like nothing was wrong even though everything was. Let her figure out her new temporary norm. But you took away her sense of independence by doing everything for her, and she withdrew.”
“So, are you saying this is my fault?”
“No. I’m saying that you did everything right, except let Tessa be Tessa.”
I let his words bounce off my eardrums while thinking about my actions. From the start, she made all the first moves, and I let her. Never once did I not allow her to be herself. So maybe, the fear of losing her made me change the way things were between us. Instead of me letting her tell me what she needed, I just did it all for her.
“Let’s just say your theory is right, what do I do to get over her?”
“Do you want to?”
“No. Even now, two months later, I still want her.”
