Page 4 of Up All Night
I had to be mercenary. I wasn’t going to settle. If I sank to this low, then I needed to be as critical – or not as critical – as the men judging me based off one photo.
Don’t ask me what my type is when it comes to the male half of the species. Do you look like a serial killer? Goodbye. Do you have a beard that looks like it wants to slice me in half?Bye.Does the only picture you provide give me hints that hygiene is secondary to your life? Haha. No.
Don’t even have a picture of yourself? Nope. Open your profile with“No fatties thanks,”then wow, how do I have this sinking feeling that you think I’m too fat in my size 10 jeans? Do your photos show a woman and children that suspiciously look like they’re related to you?
(Do I have to go on?)
I had never done something like that before, yet it was unnerving how quickly I acclimated to judging men based solely on their appearance and whether or not a cursory glance at their short profile made them sound like sociopaths. Honestly, I didn’t care if they were in relationships or not. (As long as they didn’t bring them up, I suppose.) This was about a one night fling, a quick jab at some hot sex, assuming the universe had that much pleasure in store for me.
Noses squished beneath my thumb. Receding hairlines pressed against my index finger. Goofy smiles and bulging muscles I knew I were never going to touch (because guys that hot don’t settle for girls not as hot asthem) flew by so quickly that I couldn’t tell you if I hated them or…
“Congrats! It’s a match!”
Wait, who was this guy? Oh, no. Oh no. I had accidentally swiped right on a guy with an actual neckbeard and opened his profile with,“I don’t want a woman who is full of herself and wants me to take care of her. If you’re someone who doesn’t fall for beauty standards, then I would love to go dutch on some coffee with you.”
How did I even…
“Hi,”the dudeimmediatelymessaged me,“you seem like a smart young woman from your profile. Care to have coffee with me?”
I had never blocked a man so quickly. Nor had I ever tossed my phone across my bed and buried myself beneath a pile of blankets, but hey, there is a first time for everything, right?
God, this had clearly been a mistake. After sleeping on it, I decided to completely deactivate the whole thing and go back to my miserable existence as the horniest woman in Tokyo who never got any sleep because everyone else had more sex than her.
Then I woke up.
