Page 107 of Empowered
“I’m sorry…” She hiccupped behind her hand, tears staining the corners of her bloodshot eyes. “I’m so sorry. I am.”
He patted her back. She took the opportunity to hug him, but not for affection. For strength.
Did I do that?Had Sarah’s actions made Jill drink for the first time in a long time?No. No, don’t blame yourself.The way Lucas handled his ex-wife implied that she had been occasionally off the wagon for a long while now. Her illness ran that deeply, didn’t it? Even with the promises of custody and money, she still battled whatever demons plagued her since even before meeting her ex-husband. Lucas’s demeanor was so practiced that he instinctively knew what to do. What to say. Who to call. When Jill slumped down on the couch, she dropped her sober façade. Defeat clouded her eyes.
Perhaps Sarah shouldn’t blame herself, but she still couldn’t shake the feeling that she was responsible for triggering Jill Blackbourne into a borderline bender. At least her son wasn’t around to see it.
“You’re right,” she repeated over and over again, burying her face in her hands and holding back more tears. “You’re both right.”
Lucas was on the phone, trying to secure safety for his ex-wife. Sarah was the only one to hear Jill say anything. “About what?”
She glanced away. “About Victor. It’s not right. Lucas should…”
“Lucas should make sure you get home safely and that you’re not alone tonight.” He put his phone away and offered his hand to Jill. “Just got off the phone with your sponsor. She’s on her way here to take you home. She says she can stay the night at your place.”
Shame claimed Jill’s face. “Oh, no…”
“Hang tight, Jill.” Lucas always knew how to talk to someone beating themselves up, didn’t he? That was the voice of a man who could turn on or off depending on the amount of self-destruction blowing up around him.That’s the voice of a man who is going to run himself ragged taking care of everyone if he’s not careful.That was it, wasn’t it? That was how Sarah could best contribute to this relationship. Lucas needed someone who saw this love inside of him and helped him delegate it. Not hold it inside of himself, butdelegateit. He couldn’t spread himself so thin that he had no love left. What had he said about coming dangerously close to hardening his heart and refusing to love again? Yet Sarah was the one who had prevented that, simply by existing as her fucked up self?
The fact remained that Lucas was inexplicably attracted to women hellbent on self-destruction. It couldn’t be explained. His empathy saw something beautiful within them. Notbecausethey were a little more fucked up than the average woman, but because they showed so much bravery in the face of adversity, and he was attracted to women who weren’t afraid to embrace their bravery.
Even if that bravery often got them into trouble. Like sucking all the empathy and love out of him, like some parasite hellbent on destroying him before moving on to the next man.
Sarah needed to learn those cues. She needed to learn how to look into her boyfriend’s eyes and realize that he was being sucked dry – thatshewas sucking him dry. Jill had never learned to do that. She was still sucking him dry every time her disease manifested. The fact that they had a child together did not help.
“How long has this been going on?” Lucas asked his ex-wife with that same tone of voice. “When did you start drinking again, Jill?”
His tone wasn’t accusatory. In another life, Lucas would have made a wonderful therapist as opposed to a good ol’ venture capitalist.
She couldn’t look him in the eye. Not when she had something disturbing to say. “Since you moved to town. I couldn’t take it. I knew you were coming for Victor.”
Lucas’s entire body bristled at that insinuation. “I wanted to be closer to him, yes.”
“I knew you were looking into getting full custody so you could take him back to Denmark with you. For fuck’s sake, we had talked about it enough.”
“You always said no.”
“Because I need him! He needs me!”
Lucas took a step back.
“But…” Jill’s shoulders slumped again. “Look at me, Lucas. I started drinking at six and I’m only now sobering up. If Victor had been home…”
“Has he seen you like this before?”
She didn’t answer.
“Jillian…”
“I drank because I knew I still had it in me. All those meetings, the rehab, the counseling… I go through the motions, but in the back of mind I’m still lusting after a fucking drink. He stresses me out. I love him, but he… he’s so much energy! So demanding! What the hell do I do? I don’t work. I life off your fucking alimony and child support. Shouldn’t I be able to take care of mychildfull time without wanting a God damned drink? For fuck’s sake! I live with my parents! I don’t even have to run the house if I don’t want to! I…” She buried her face in her hands to muffle her oncoming sobs.
Lucas spared Sarah a sympathetic look. “Wait for me in the bedroom, Angel. I need to speak with her in private before her sponsor gets here.”
Nodding, Sarah went into the bedroom, closed the door behind her, and surveyed the mess of bedding representing their evening together.
Her phone was alit with messages. Nigel. Her mother. Even the Monroes had left voicemails asking her to call someone back.
She texted her mother that she was fine and would be spending the night with Lucas. She called her brother.
