Page 60 of Intoxicated
Drew kicks up his feet and stares at his ceiling. He’s completely drunk and toked up, isn’t he? Great. How quickly can I catch up with him? “That’s what I should switch my business to when I’m over breaking hearts and taking names. I should be at thebeginningof the toxic relationship, not the end! There are enough guys out there looking for the next big heartbreak of their lives. I could serve it to them on a silver platter. I mean,wecould.”
“What in the world makes you think we could ever go into business together? You realize this is some bullshit we’re indulging for a while, right?” Dare I panic that he’s suddenly getting serious on me? I can’t handle a real relationship right now. Let alone with a loser like Drew. The man fucks women up for a living! What kind of boyfriend would that be? You know, assuming he could ever make arealboyfriend. That’s absurd.
“Yeah, yeah.” Drew briefly closes his eyes. “I’m spoutin’ off nonsense. You know, as I am often wont to do.”
“Are you?”
“You might not know me very well…” When he opens his eyes again, I get the full, bloodshot view. “But I am a very nonsensical guy around those I like.”
“Is this where you open your true self to me, Drew? When you’re so intoxicated you don’t know any better?”
He grins. A big, goofy,sloppygrin that shouldn’t endear me as much as it does. “I guess so. I can regret it in the morning. Maybe I’ll be hungover, too, but hey, as long as you’re in my bed and thinking about going into business with me, it’s all good.”
“Oh, you think I’m still getting into your bed? After everything we’ve already done tonight? Because if there’s one thing I know about drink and drugs, Drew, it’s that most guys can’t stand up to it.” I don’t have to explain myself. He damn well knows what I mean.
“You think I ain’t hard as fuck right now? I’ve spent the past half hour thinking about sticking it in your ass. Of course I’m hard.”
I glance at his lap. What’s going on down there is a far cry from what Drew usually sports when he’s ready to roll. Like that night we met, when he openly dared me to grab his cock in the middle of a busy lounge. I don’t have to touch it now to know how pathetic it is. “Tell me more about how whiskey-dick never gets you.”
He follows my gaze. “Hmm. This is concerning.”
I’ve been with some eyeroll-worthy guys before. Right up there with totally sober dudes who whip it out beneath the table and encourage me to stroke them off. During charity galas, no less. So many men out there can only get off if there’s a risk-factor involved. Since the radio silence from the STD clinic suggests I don’t carrythoserisks, they’ve gotta come up with something else. Handy-Js beneath the table while a bald woman talks about her struggles with chemotherapy are just the ticket!
Yet I’m still not prepared for Drew to unzip his jeans and take out his flaccid prick.
“Aw, poor little guy,” I say with an exaggerated wibble. “He’s too tired to get up and say hello.”
Yup. You guessed it. Drew picks his dick up with his thumb and forefinger and gives it a sad,sadwave in my direction. It’s rather amazing how much it’s shrunken while he’s inebriated. If this were my first time seeing it, I’d be running for the hills. I’m not saying I’m Stretched-Out Sally, but I’m thinking about those hot dogs and hallways analogies. If I’m hooking up with a guy for pure sexual satisfaction, I better be getting somethingout of it. A sensation! Some fullness! Something! C’mon, send me a dick mulligan!
“Wow,” he says. “Nothing. I’ve. Got. Nothing.”
“What was that about my ass again?” He might be able to smack that against a cheek, but we’re not going to pound town tonight.
Drew blows air from his cheeks. Between that and the flapping between his legs, he looks like the saddest balloon animal in the world. Send me back to Portland already. I can’t take it.
“I think there’s hope,” he says. “You know. If you took off your clothes or something.”
“Do I look like I care enough right now?”
“Nope.”
Good. Because I’m one sleepy woman. The pot and alcohol are starting to do their intricate dance in my system. For a woman who was wide awake an hour ago, I can now only think of one thing.
Slowly, I doze off. I wake up at one point long enough to realize Drew has thrown a light blanket over me. Where has he gone? I have no idea. Frankly, I don’t care.
