Page 93 of Intoxicated
Just because fucking Brian Samuels or whatever his last name is has got to be the polar opposite to Drew “Bang-You-Against-The-Wall-On-the-First-Date” Benton…
Why is he still haunting me?
Why areyoustill haunting me? I never met you before all of this happened. You were silent for my whole life until that night I met Drew. And Brian. As if you’re somehow related to them. Well, it’s over with Drew. I never want to see him again, not after what he said. So why areyoustill around? Is this some sign that things aren’t over with Drew?
Tell me, damnit!
I towel off and collapse onto my bed, naked. What’s the point of covering myself up if it’s you and me? You’ve seen me at my lowest already. I practically invited you to partake in my mad love life. The biggest fling of my twenties. The closest thing I’ve had to a real, genuine relationship since high school. God, I was so dumb and innocent back then. If I knew this would be my life, I would have…
I don’t know what I would have done. Avoid some of the crazier marks.
Why are you looking at me like that? What do you know that I don’t?
Have you been talking to Drew again? Has he said something about me? Is he still thinking about me? Does he feel bad? Is he doubling-down on his…
You know what? Don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.
(Yes, I do.)
I curl up on my bed, wet hair strangling my throat. I don’t care. I don’t care if it reminds me of Drew’s hot and heavy caresses. Both the gentle and crazy ones. He’s the first man I’ve ever met who can combine my kind of hard loving with absolute tenderness.
If only he hadn’t blown it by calling me a…
What other man is going to do that for me? Brian? I’ll get off on stringing him along for a while. If I play my part right, our first few nights together will give me enough of a thrill to help me orgasm, even if his ineptness can’t. After that, it will be my gradual descent into boredom and madness. I’ll lose interest. All the soirees and trips to Hawaii won’t be enough. I may no longer be looking for a payday via litigation, but our breakup still won’t be pretty. He’ll accuse me of being a bitch. I’ll tell him he’s finally showing me his true colors. Then I’ll be a whore. I’ll say at least whores get to have fun.
My face presses into my comforter. My skin grows cold, but I don’t care. I’d rather lie here naked than strangle in clothing. It’s my right as a human being to go out the way I want.
Maybe I’d rather go out with Drew’s lips upon mine. That would be better than most things I’ve experienced.
Oh, my God.
I know why you’re still here. I know whatyouare.
You’re my fucking subconscious. My conscience? I don’t know the difference, but you’re that voice in my head who pops up when I have a moral crisis. An ethical dilemma. Aholy shit what am I doingmoment. That little voice I’m supposed to listen to like it’s been there my whole life. But it hasn’t.
Youhaven’t been there.
You didn’t come into my life until I met Drew Benton. The guy who is seemingly perfect for me because he’s as terrible as me. My other toxic half. The bitter side to my sour coin. The man who is probably out there right now wrestling with his own newfound conscience.
No wonder I feel like shit with Brian. I know what I’m doing is wrong, and that it won’t make me happy. I’m using him. He may not know it, but he’s using me, and this is the same song and dance I’ve employed since I couldn’t think of any other way to live. Does this mean this phase of my life is ending? That I’m ready to move on with a real career, or at least some direction in my life that will steer me toward a long-lasting, fulfilling relationship?
God, is this what full brain development feels like? I’m barely in the latter half of my twenties. How do I handle this? What do Ido?
Is it time to admit that I can’t stop thinking about Drew and what he said? That I get off on being seen as a slut?
You didn’t arrive until he did. I’m not going to say this man brought me my conscience, but the irony is too good to be true, isn’t it?
What if what he said is true? What if the reason you’restillhere is because my story with Drew isn’t yet finished?
If there’s anything I’ve learned about you, though, it’s that you come and go when it’s most convenient. When you get the juiciest details. I suppose you don’t want to sit here and watch me fuss with my emotions for the next several hours. So how about you skedaddle for a few days or weeks? We’ll reconvene when I have something new and interesting to report. Even if I don’t know yet what that will be.
I have a feeling that Drew Benton will be involved, though.
