Page 20 of Euphoria
9
When I descendedto the office the next morning, I found the gallery in chaos.
Lingering on the stairs, I began to fret I’d missed an important appointment.
“What’s going on?” I asked anyone who would listen.
Alice glanced up at my arrival and replied, “Rocky has left. You have just missed him.”
I stilled on the bottom step, the words coming as a blow. “Left?”
“It’s usual for him,” she explained as silence took Thornfield once more. “He comes and goes with little notice. Once, he didn’t come back for almost a year.”
A year! My heart slowed a little at the thought of not sparring with the enigmatic Edward Rochester for another twelve months. I couldn’t believe I was allowing myself to experience a sick sense of disappointment. I’d never needed the extended company of any man before, so why now? There was absolutely no reason why I should take his movements into consideration.
Alice didn’t seem to notice my anguish and went on, “I don’t know where he’s gone this time, but he goes to Paris quite a bit. He speaks French, you know.”
I did, but I kept it a secret close to my heart. Go,et j’y tiens…if you must. Only knowing those few little words seemed fitting for his abrupt departure.
Besides, I should be grateful to him for allowing work to proceed on the retreat and the free reign he’d given me to revive the hotel. I had my duty and my orders, and I had no right to expect his hands as well. The only tie he seriously acknowledged between us was the one of employer and employee.
Do not be so selfish to desire the heart and mind of the one man you are not worthy of matching, and hold back on giving a gift, which is no doubt unwanted and despised.
“Well, then we have a calm hotel to welcome us for the present,” I said, turning away from my despair. “And I have a chance to make preparations for the retreat without a devil on my shoulder.”
“You’re right, Jane,” Alice said, following me into the office. “We have our freedom from oppression! Tonight we shall party!”
Work resumed its usual pace going forth, but my mind was otherwise occupied to the point of blind obsession.
I was enraptured with Edward, and despite all my efforts to cease the behavior, nothing had slowed its growth. Much like the roses that climbed over the west wing of Thornfield, the mystery of his soul had ensnared me, and I was trapped in a desire of my own making. It was entirely one-sided and was a very slippery slope, akin to a patch of black ice.
Never was there a greater fool than Jane Doe! Had I never breathed a breath of air so fantastic that it filled my life and soul with its magic? I’d made myself sick on sweet lies and fantasies, like a child sickened itself on chocolates.
Jane Doe, you plain, little degenerate.
I threw myself into my work as it was the only thing I could control. When I finally closed the computer and put away the phone for the evening, I was exhausted—mentally and physically. I’d hardly moved away from the office for a bite to eat.
That was why I wasn’t sure if I was seeing clearly when I returned to my room.
Hanging on the doorknob was a red ribbon with an old brass key threaded through the silk. It wasn’t there when I’d emerged that morning, and I wondered if I’d missed it in my haste. I reached down and picked it up. It was the same brass key I’d seen sitting in the locks of the glass cabinets in the library. The exact one!
The tablet had not been a deterrent at all, then? I’d been granted use of the library in Edward’s absence? The master himself had given me this treasure?
I mulled over what I knew at great length as my fingertips studied the shape of the key. He’d given me everything I’d wanted, which was more than had been bestowed on me in my entire life. I wasn’t sure what I’d done to deserve any of it or why he cared to give it to me. Our few conversations had been abrupt, challenging, and mostly frustrating. None of it warranted generosity.
This tale was getting curiouser and curiouser as the days went by. I was too inexperienced to decipher this move on his behalf, and I decided not to think too much of it. I was already a fool in my own mind but to declare myself so to Edward? I couldn’t bare it if he looked at me with distain.
Retiring to my room, I hid the key with the tablet and decided I would try to find a new hideaway tomorrow.
Sleep wasbeyond me that night.
I tried to put my weary mind to rest, but I was unable to reconcile the thoughts that plagued me. I was too inexperienced in the feelings that threatened to overwhelm me and was unsure how to proceed. Deep longing and physical need were two things I’d never felt all at the same time, and my insides felt as if they were being beaten like the cook beat a piece of dough in the kitchens.
A scratching sound at my door roused me from my agony, and I sat up, listening. I frowned as I heard a heavy sigh rattle the air outside. What a curious sound!
“Hello?” I called out, reluctant to place my bare feet on the cold floor to investigate.
No reply came, and I stilled, listening to the silence, but the sound didn’t come again. Perhaps I should investigate to make sure.
