Page 37 of Euphoria
He threw his hands into the air. “So why do you hide your tears, Jane?”
I blinked hard. “Hide my…”
“You are cold, sick, and silly, Miss Doe,” he proclaimed.
My mouth fell open. “Excuse me?”
He prowled closer. “You are cold because you are alone despite being surrounded by people. You are sick because the thing you want the most keeps far away from you. And you are silly because you don’t fight for it. When will you wake up, Jane?”
He was right. I knew exactly how I’d been acting since the night he returned, but I didn’t like being told so. Somehow, I believed I had to be accepted by his rich friends to be considered worthy of his hand. I believed he’d pulled away because I wasn’t socially acceptable. It was an easier reason to hold onto than the thought I wasn’t good enough on a physical and mental level.
Mr. Rochester sank down onto the chair by the dark fireplace, a look of exhaustion about his eyes. “If I were to suddenly become abhorrent to them and they scorned me as they scorned the poor with what little heart they have, what would you do, Jane?”
“What would I do?” I didn’t understand what had prompted his line of questioning.
“Would you turn your back on me and treat me as you have been treated?” His gaze was almost desperate as he sought my answer.
I shook my head, completely bewildered. “I would not turn my back on any friend who was in genuine need, no matter their station.”
His shoulders sank, and he lowered his gaze. “I owe you an apology, it seems.”
“What for?”
His lips quirked into the ghost of a smile, but he didn’t explain.
“I have been heartbroken before, Jane,” he said instead. “I’m not as easily led as I was when I was a young man. I cannot give myself freely, not without certainty. I cannot leap on faith alone. In truth, I’m not sure I’m able to love again. Would companionship of mind and body be enough without the heart?”
I stilled as I considered this. He exuded a presence of strength and certainty, but in the matter of his heart and happiness, he was almost fearful. If he’d been wronged in the past, then he had reason to be as closed as he was.
He watched me closely as I thought over this, but he was too impatient to hear my thoughts. “Do you think the one I would entrust my closely guarded heart with has passed all my tests?”
It was none of my concern who he gave his word of marriage to. If Blanche was who he wanted, then she wouldn’t decline. Who was I to think I was in the running? Still, he waited to hear my opinion.
I considered each word carefully as I spoke them. “If she is noble in her intent, is of similar rank and wealth, and there is no barrier to the union, then I don’t see an issue.”
“Who do you think I speak of, Jane?” he asked, looking perplexed.
“Why, Blanche of course,” I replied haughtily. “It is quite clear you make a fine match. In looks,temperament,and wealth.”
He stood, the chair almost falling over at the abruptness of his movement. His stern features were full of his familiar brand of swirling rage, and I began to shrink underneath the pressure of his gaze. I had angered him, but he had been torturing me for weeks. He deserved it!
“If only you knew,” he said cryptically. “Then you would not say those things to me.”
“But I don’t know,Mr. Rochester. So what is the point of this?”
“Do not think yourself clever, Jane,” he snapped. “You call me that to separate yourself from me.”
I was no longer afraid of revealing my hurt at his rejection, nor did I care about jeopardizing my position. I would not be toyed with.
“And what of it?” I asked harshly. “You cast me aside, and so it was done.”
“You have such little regard for yourself?” he asked, towering over me, his broad shoulders casting an arrow of doubt into my resolve. “You, Jane, who has so much spirit would back down and wither away inside yourself? What for?”
My mouth flapped uselessly as I attempted to solve his riddle.
“I’m asking… What would Jane Doe do to secure my happiness?”
“Me?”
